The Cracked Round-Up!

What? Not all of our Round-Up titles can be clever or topical or funny. Do you have any idea how many Round-Ups we've done? We can't constantly churn out solid gold like "Cracked's Tsunamedy of Comedy" or "SEX!- The Round-Up." Sometimes we just want to relax and call the article what it is. Deal with it.

Alternately, don't deal with it. Post suggestions for what we should call this below in the comments, and maybe we'll run with it. Or maybe not. Whatever.

The Cracked Columnists!

Why did Wal-Mart make a movie? Who would write such a shitty movie? Who would act in it? These questions are not answered. How should we hate that movie? That, we can answer with Gladstone's latest Hate By Numbers. Meanwhile, Ross shows you the least sexy things in movies exclusively about having sex. We're talking porn, here, folks. Even more meanwhile, Swaim highlights the least helpful celebrity

Obama supporters. Say what you want about Michael Swaim, but that man sure has a lot of pictures of Christopher Hitchens with his shirt off. Finally, DOB gets back to his roots. His inappropriate, obsessive roots.

JAMES CAMERON SUCKS!

7 Terrible Early Versions of Great Movies

"Okay, Spider-Man enters, slips on a banana peel and then his pants fall off. Sound good? That's our ending."

Notable Comment: A lot of people called bullshit on this article, and refused to believe us and asked for sources. Folks, if you see some of the text in red, then it's a link. A link is something you click that'll take you to a brand new website. On that website, you'll find words. Read them! These words will confirm what we say. If you read our sources and you still aren't sure, don't leave a comment. Because you're retarded.

JACKASSASSINATION!

The 6 Most Utterly Insane Attempts to Kill a US President

We're not saying there's a good way to kill a president, just that these ways are terrible.

Notable Comment: brow says "My ninth grade math teacher used black magic to get me suspended for throwing chalk at the back of her head. I have readied my Exploding Minivan." Hear all that, officers? Good. Just doing our part to keep the streets safer.

THE FATS OF LIFE!

6 of Your Favorite Things That Are Secretly Making You Fat

Also bacon. Can you believe it? We were shocked, too. Still totally gonna eat it, though.

Notable Comment:Sifl says "Hey Cracked! I got a question! I just ate a handful of honeybees. Will they make me fat?" We have no idea, but please videotape it and send it along to us.

"HEEEYYYYY.... WOW!"!

9 Foreign Rip-Offs Cooler Than the Hollywood Originals

And we're just gonna say what everyone's thinking: Batman looks fucking awesome with a moustache.

Notable Comment:Sanjuro wonders "Where's Turkish Star Wars?" In Turkey! Goodnight, folks!

MONEY MONEY MONEY!

7 Bizarre Things (And 1 Bodily Fluid) People Use As Money

America may start using some of these items sooner than we think! Ah, the economy's a mess, haw haw haw.

Notable Comment: If the comments are any indication, the tourism rate to Guerima is about to fucking skyrocket. You're welcome.

YOU YOU YOU!

The 2008 Presidential Election as Depicted by 5 Year Olds

We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest which, thanks to Kevin Smith, will be awarding $100 to the winner! Post your entries for the Worst Ideas for a Porno.

WINNERS!The Craption Contest!

Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

10.23.08:

How much does a polar bear weigh?

Enough to break the ice. Hi im Rob

by Holty

Editor's pick:

the sexual tension between these two is unbearable
by fielder69

10.22.08:

Rickshaw Confessions
by Gatt

Editor's pick:

You know you're in a dangerous vehicle when you have to hold your airbag on your lap!
by Leaf

10.21.08:

"Tonight two men dressed as lobsters were brutally murdered in what seems to be a random act of violence. Authorities say the weapon used was quote 'Fucking Awesome'."
by brow

Editor's pick:

Damn you. I said pawns for the oversized chess game. PAWNS!
by Brett-Butler

10.20.08: