5 Candies You Hated Getting Every Halloween

#2. Excessively Chewy Candy

The Main Offenders:

Now and Laters, Good n Fruity, Squirrel Nut Zippers, Salt Water Taffy

The Good:

Chewy candy has only one up-side: it lasts a long time.

The Bad:

It lasts a long fucking time! There's a limit to how long candy should be in your mouth, and that's four minutes. With the exception of chewing gum, no candy should force its flavor upon the user a moment longer.

Plus this stuff can glue your teeth together with the strength of some kind of dental adhesive. The whole tedious, laborious task was way more work than eating a piece of candy should require. Maybe that would be fine if it was the only candy you had and you needed to stretch out the experience. But during the post-Halloween binge, it only delayed the eating of more candy.

Likelihood of Being Physically Injured by the Candy:

Attempt to find someone who's ever managed consume a Now and Later in less than 20 minutes. You won't, because they choked and died.


Why do people keep buying this?

The upside is if some bully tried to take your candy, you could always bet him $10 that he couldn't eat one of your Now and Laters in less than 20 minutes.

#1. All Novelty Pseudo-Candy

The Main Offenders:

Candy Buttons on Paper Tape, Fun Dip, Pixy Stix

The Good:

"Novelty" candy is known as such because it's cute and original... for a limited time. Its novelty packaging and novelty consumption methods make it, well, a novelty. And some kids are really, really easily amused.

The Bad:

The amusement however doesn't make this shitty candy taste any better. The "novelty" of this candy wears off about 10 seconds after you pull it out of your little plastic pumpkin. The disappointment, however lasts a lifetime. So does the shame that comes from eating the a row of candy buttons directly off the paper, feeding it into your mouth like your head was a fax machine.

Likelihood of Being Physically Injured by the Candy:

Every candy buttons customer has felt the sting of paper cuts on the corners of their lips. They should have a warning label about that but they know we wouldn't listen. Also, which of us didn't at least once try to snort some Pixy Stix or the powder part of Fun Dip?

Okay, maybe not all of us. Oh, also, don't make our mistake and look up "Fun Dip" on Urban Dictionary.

Trust us. Don't.

For some terrifying shit that's guaranteed to be in pretty much anything you choose to eat tomorrow, check out 5 Horrifying Food Additives You've Probably Eaten Today. Or check out The 6 Creepiest Marketing Campaigns Aimed at Children.


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