In the midst of all this political hoopla, important stories can often fall through the cracks. Important stories like the conviction of longtime murderer-at-large (or persecuted superstar, if that floats your boat) OJ Simpson, who faces life in prison for a complicated plot involving guns, sports memorabilia, and massive quantities of chutzpah. Chutzpah like planning an acquittal party for the day the verdict is to be read.
But as much as getting convicted on the thirteenth anniversary of his prior acquittal must have stung Mr. Simpson, it’s important to remember one thing: his life wasn’t the only one affected that fateful day.
When not writing for Cracked, Michael fucks shit up as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- The 8 Most Misguided Sci-Fi Versions Of 2008 - December 29th, 2008
- The 8 Best Internet Sketch Troupes Whose Initials Aren't TAM - December 15th, 2008
- The First 100 Days ... After: A Primer for George W. Bush - December 11th, 2008
- How Can We Be In A Recession If We've Got So Much Money? - December 10th, 2008
- The 10 Most Devastating Insults of All Time - December 1st, 2008
October 21st, 2008 at 11:36 am
Frank, you make me laugh. I hope everything works out between you and Michael. You’re right, Scott was never right for him.
October 17th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Drink milk OJ kills.
Poor guy, I wish i could’ve gone to that party.
October 17th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
…is there supposed to be a video or something? I can’t see anything…
October 17th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Swaim, while I might find you physically repulsive and a narrow-minded simpleton, I have to hand it to you: this is one of the funniest things I’ve seen since David Sedaris gave Fabio head at my birthday party.
Seriously, this was amazing.
October 17th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Swaim, I love you (though clearly not as much as Frank…), but there are many people waiting on confirmation of your being influenced by Tim and Eric. What gives? Fuck it; I don’t care.
By the way, I just realized I’m balding, too. Solidarity, comrade!
October 17th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Oh hey, it’s me again. Sorry if I came on a little strong there Mike. I didn’t mean to leave so many messages on your article and your answering machine. Hope you don’t think I’m “crazy” or anything lol.
Call me alright?
October 17th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Alright, answer me this. Does Scott have pictures of your face printed out and stuck on his walls and some of the walls of his college? DOES HE?
He doesn’t get you like I do. He just doesn’t.
October 17th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Oh fuck that! Scott’s website is just a load of crap lifted form Podge and Rodge. If you want to come to Ireland stay with me Michael. We’re meant for each other. You’ve always been the best cracked writer in my eyes. I love you.
October 17th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Agreed, metalbrainsurgery. I’ll be relieved when the site goes back to not noticing anything that happened after 1997. I’m not cut out for all this caring.
October 17th, 2008 at 8:53 am
‘… and then we’d wheel in the ice sculpture of Cocharn raping Lady Liberty’ needs a mention, so I’m mentioning it.
October 17th, 2008 at 7:01 am
This reminded me of Tom Goes to the Mayor.
I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not, but I laughed so that’s a plus.
October 17th, 2008 at 6:42 am
There’s a couch or two there for ya, Michael. Bring a friend. It’d be a pleasure.
Make sure to bring both your boozing and your canoodling hats though. The famous, nay, legendary Irish welcome is essentially just alcoholism and smoke and mirrors.
We’ll swing out of a few loose women, have some cheap laughs, kill a hooker. I reckon you’d enjoy it.
October 17th, 2008 at 12:58 am
oh the ahemt zappa thing just came from the fact that I saw his name over there to the right —->
in the tag’s session.
this was funny. Very funny actually, I very much like you Swaim, so long as we aren’t talking about politics.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
All I can say about his possible life sentence is that it’s about damn time. Remember not to drop the soap, Mr. Juice Man!
“He soars with the hubris of a thousand eagles, on wings of feathers and wax, bold Icarus, ever towards the sun-”
And that is the moment when I lost my shit, in a strictly non-literal sense. Funny stuff, Swaim.
October 16th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
I am gogo-dancing at the party - check out my gogo-resume at
http://www.TOKILLFOR.com
October 16th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Scott,
I liked your joke about the vagina made of leaves. Your site is funny. i really want to come to Ireland. If I do, can I stay with you?
Michael
October 16th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
I think I love you, Michael Swaim.
October 16th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
your football metaphor was fantastic!
October 16th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
FYI It’s tru tv now, not court tv.
October 16th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Michael,
I am a man. I’m all manly in fact. I live in Ireland. In Dublin. You make me laugh. A lot. If I were to some fashion some sort of uterus from twigs and berries will you have my children?
I love you,
Scott
P.S. My little website might help you tick the ‘do they make me laugh?’ box, in the event that you needed added incentive. Let’s do lunch. x
October 16th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Totally ginks…I remember the first time I got away with killing a black guy. Truly, I had become a man. The fact that it was at my Bar Mitzvah was just icing on the cake.
October 16th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
You motherfuckers get away with killing us all the time! You didn’t know Nicole or Ron,so stop it with the fake outrage. Too bad he was too stupid to take advantage of his “Get Out of Jail Free” card. Ah well
October 16th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Well at least your potential hair loss isn’t as bad as Dan’s. He’s shaping up to be a real cueball
October 16th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
God dammit, glendoor, GET OUTTA MY HEAD!
October 16th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
The Icarus part got me. I’m lovin’ all the Swaim I’ve been getting here lately. And now more Swaim video? This almost makes up for no shirtless blogging…
October 16th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Do you need money Swaim? You seem to be working a lot.
Anyway awesome post as usual.
October 16th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Good job Swaim. Oh and by the way by the look of those pictures you are definitely going bald. I will send you some coupons from the Hair Club for men that I never used.
October 16th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I’m not sure how you got that from this video, but I’m all for it. He seems like a cool guy.
October 16th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Zappa in 08
October 16th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Ahmet Zappa. That’s who I am voting for.
October 16th, 2008 at 10:41 am
But it wasn’t OJay! It was the One Gloved Man! That Guy from Heroes, who cuts people’s brains out with his mind! It was Anikan!
October 16th, 2008 at 10:35 am
im a slut.
October 16th, 2008 at 9:55 am
That reminded me of Tim and Eric…
October 16th, 2008 at 9:41 am
Finally, OJ is exactly where he belongs. Good riddance!
http://www.privacy-tools.at.tc
October 16th, 2008 at 8:56 am
Whooo hooooooooooooooooooo yo! We now rest in peace.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:48 am
There certainly worse ways to support a diet of Spam and Ramen noodles.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:19 am
A late night of drinking and politicks, and here you are bright and early, bringin the funny. You, sir, are a bastion of responsibility. I hope you are ashamed of yourself.