#3. Katrina Nugent and Melinda Bird - HAM FIGHT!
Katrina Nugent and Melinda Bird were a couple of legal secretaries at a law firm in Australia who wanted to relive high school, and apparently felt the firm's email system was the best place for it. The troubles began when Katrina sent an email to her entire floor at the office trying to find out who pulled an Oceans 11 and cleverly stole her ham and cheese sandwich supplies. Melinda, in an attempt to be helpful, responded with this email:
"Katrina, there are items fitting that exact description in the level 20 fridge. Are you sure you didn't place your lunch in the wrong fridge yesterday?"
To normal humans this email was simply someone trying to be helpful, but if you speak skank then you understand that these were obviously fighting words. Being careful to remember to "Reply to All" so that they kept everyone in the loop, the cat fight was on. After some preliminary back-and-forth, Katrina landed this blow:
"I wouldn't trade places with you for "the world"".
We have no idea why she put quotes around "the world" but we suspect that it makes "the world" into something even more awesomely huge than just the normal world thus increasing the power of her put down. This inspired Melinda to pull out something she had been saving since elementary school:
"I wouldn't trade places with you for the world...I don't want your figure!"
This shit just got extremely real.
Melinda then had to let everyone know that Katrina was in fact probably a slut by claiming she had been with a lot of guys. Then in a confusing, or perhaps cunning, twist depending on whether you still watch High School Musical, Melinda ended the fight by writing:
"I have 5 guys at the moment! haha."
It's unclear whether Melinda caught the flaw in her logic, but given that both of them declined to keep the fight to themselves it's unlikely she thought that her argument was anything but brilliant.
The lawyers and other staff who had ringside tickets to this electronic hair pulling were so entertained that they decided to share the emails with people outside the firm as well. Eventually senior partners of the firm were getting the emails from friends ... at other firms.
Katrina and Melinda were fired for misusing the firm's email and for being bitchy to each other in clear contravention of the firm's "No Bitches" policy. The lawyers who sent the email to their friends did not receive any punishment, which totally pissed off Melinda's dad. He considered legal action, until he realized suing a law firm might be like trying to rob a gun store with a knife.
#2. Lucy Gao's Party Will Be Freaking Awesome
Lucy Gao was a 20-year-old intern at Citigroup who was really fucking excited about turning 21. Whether it was because she was looking forward to drinking or because she was finally getting that pony she was promised, she wanted to make sure everything went perfectly.
To help celebrate her big day she planned a party at the Ritz for a few of her friends and sent out an email with the details for the party. Lots and lots of details, with the word "Ritz" inserted like some kind of Tourette Syndrome tic:
" ... to ensure your entry into the Ritz...Lucy's 21st Birthday Party at The Ritz...I have arranged the Ritz to host a Champagne Reception with a selection of Ritz Champagne....A specially made birthday cake has also been ordered and the Ritz waiters will kindly serve you each a generous slice with Ritz cutleries,"
What? No Ritz crackers?
Part of Lucy's problem seemed to be that her friends were apparently complete morons. To help make sure they made it to the party she felt she had to give them explicit directions:
"When asked "how can I help you Sir/Madame?", you reply "I am here for Lucy's Birthday Party at the Rivoli Bar""
She makes it sound like her friends are so incompetent they'd have to be herded to the party like cattle. If so, we can only imagine their disappointment when they finally made it there and realized there wasn't going to be a ravioli bar.
Not a thing.
Lucy also had a fairly strict hierarchy of friends and wanted to make sure everyone knew what their place was in the pecking order, as evidenced by the schedule for arrivals at the end of her email:
"ARRIVAL TIMES: [Please stick to these as best as you can, thank you]
9:00pm: Lucy, Sophie Sandner, Kajai, Mandeep, Preet, Sanami, Su, Lisa, Kate.
9:15pm: Phoebe, Sophie Seugnet, Theo, Dmitry, Ed, Nikolay, Paul, Nick, Harry.
9:30pm: Marco, Andrea, Jess, Ovi, Yuki, Olga, Kim, Marcelo, Ulyana, Krystal, Dan.
9:45pm: Sunita, Alan, JingJing, Emma.
10:00pm: Anthony, Rachel, Roger, Uli, Yogi, Gharzi"
If you were Sophie, or Kajai, you were one of the chosen few. If you were Anthony or Rachel though you were pretty much one of the kids her mom forced her to invite as you were not allowed to come to the party until 10, even though the champagne reception started at 9.
Sorry, Gharzi. You wait in the elevator until 10:00.
The email was forwarded on by her friends, (probably the pissed off 10 o'clock invitees) and soon made the rounds of all the investment banks. From there it escaped into the internets and here we are. At some point somebody sold t-shirts.
Lucy finally responded to all the people having fun at her expense and tried to convince us that the email was just a joke between her and a couple of her guests. Her comedy stylings no longer appear at Citigroup.
#1. Patrick Smith and the Old Horse Fat
We're not sure what it is about working in a law firm but it appears that all those legal shows where people are screwing like rabbits may have some basis in reality. Patrick Smith had a sweet job with an international law firm and while working one night, got an email from a friend inviting a group of people out to drinks after work. Most people would have replied with a simple yes, but as was demonstrated in his reply, Patrick Smith was not most people.
"Dude, "Carol" (not her real name) wants some of that double penetration action, so let me know when you and the old horse fat are around."
Dramatic reenactment of Old Horse Fat.
It seems Patrick suffered from a condition that made him extremely horny from reading contracts all day. He had spent the day having the same kind of erotic fantasies we've all had. You know the one where you are having hot sex, just you, the girl and your best friend, normal stuff. Let's face it, when having sex doesn't every guy think it would be even better if there was one more wiener involved? Especially if your friend has an awesome name like "Venn King".
"Man, if only there was another hairy dude here this would be perfect."
Carol is believed to be a lawyer at another law firm and the term "old horse fat" is how they say "dick" in England (or at least we hope so). This would mean Patrick was an old horse fat for mistakenly sending his response to his buddy and the other 30 people on the email thread. Patrick's menage a trois invitation remained a secret for about 10 seconds, until his friends managed to stop laughing long enough to hit the forward button.
The partners at his law firm didn't see the humor in all this and in typical fashion suspended him while they investigated. Being high paid lawyers they confirmed that he did in fact use his work email to arrange a tag team and fired him.
Patrick should have known that the proper way to invite a friend to make sweet love to your girlfriend is in person, maybe over a beer. He paid for this breach of etiquette with his job. We were unable to find out what happened to Carol or Venn but we're happy to be able to add "the old horse fat" to our dick vocabulary.
For emails that you don't want to get in your inbox, check out 6 Emails You Get When Your Company Is About to Go Under. Or allow Michael Swaim to take you on a guided tour of The 8 Least Necessary You Tube Tributes in today's video.