We live in uncertain economic times. In moments like this, sensible folks save money, invest wisely, and stock up on ammunition for the forthcoming class wars.
Others, however, dump their savings into a gold-plated wheelbarrow so they can carry the $50,000 required to buy a loaf of bread in style. Today, we celebrate those fiscal morons that make lists like this possible.
How badass of a boxer was Mike Tyson? He knocked unconscious 26 of the first 28 opponents he faced, 16 of them in the first freaking round. Most of his opponents had no trouble meeting a qualifying weight prior to their fight because of the regularity with which they shit themselves beforehand.
He was the undisputed champ by age 21. Realizing that Tyson was running out of people to punch in the real world, Nintendo inserted him digitally into Mike Tyson's Punchout!! so he could haunt the dreams of children and future opponents alike.
Despite a couple of hiccups along the way, Mike Tyson's notoriety allowed him to eventually command over $30 million a fight, building a fortune in excess of $300 million.
So What Happened?
Well, the "hiccups" included an embarrassing loss to 42:1 underdog Buster Douglas and a rape conviction in 1992. As hiccups go, those would cause your metaphorical diaphragm to eject your lungs on to the pavement. He was incarcerated for 3 years, only to return to boxing more unhinged than he left it:
Still, his $300 million had to make him feel better about all that. After all, that's more money than you can ever spend!
Actually, no. Especially if, like Tyson, you paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to a gentleman answering to "Crocodile," whose job it was to shout "Guerrilla Warfare!" at pre-fight press-conferences. Or if you purchase two Bengal tigers that cost $12,000 monthly for care and feeding (Bengal tigers will apparently only eat meat that has been first coated in gold).
According to reports, Tyson had:
"...custom-made Harley Davidsons, a fleet of Rolls, Bentleys and Ferraris. Once, in Vegas, he bought a batch of six Rolls and distributed them among his friends. He's had a half-million dollar watch emblazoned with pornography."
But worst of all, Tyson got wrapped up in a very expensive addiction. That's right: pigeons. Tyson started a pigeon-breeding operation, winding up with 350 world-class birds imported from all over the world, costing thousands a month in care and feeding and four elaborate coups to house them on his property.
In 2003, Tyson declared bankruptcy, owing approximately $10.2 million to the IRS and creditors.
"Why did I do this?"
What We Can Learn from This:
In the event you become the heavyweight boxing champion, fight the urge to purchase a $100,000 platinum bracelet inscribed with "Heavyweight Champ." We have found that the gold belt occupying a third of your torso does an equally good job of advertising the same. Not to mention the inscription severely limits the potential pool of people to resell to.