Like fashion, music trends go in cycles. Artists get nostalgic for the stuff they listened to as kids and try to bring it back. That's why there are music fads from the 80s and 90s due to jump back on center stage at any moment. Ladies and gentlemen, there must be a way to stop them.
Here are trends that must remain in the past... at all costs.
7Child Exploitation in Rap
At an age when you were having your first wet dreams about April O'Neil (or, in some cases, Krang), some kids were actually making something of their pubescence. Perhaps due to the tragic post-80s decline of the Jackson Five, in the 90s the world just needed children rapping. And, if possible, wearing their clothes backwards.
Kriss Kross. Another Bad Creation (ABC). Lil Bow Wow (who ran out of 'Dog' puns after his third album).
Seven year-old Bentley Green is out there plugging away, hoping the fad comes back before he's too old to take advantage (he started his MySpace when he was five freaking years old).
"Who's a big, cranky rapper? You are! Yes you are!"
There's real danger here, because he has the same "Aw, he's adorable!" factor with the housewives that made Kriss Kross mainstream, without the horrified moment when they realized the Kriss Kross kids were calling themselves "Mack Daddy" (which literally meant they were claiming to be 12 year-old pimps). In a couple of years this kid could have a merchandising empire that dwarfs Hanna Montanna.
Whatever happened to all of kiddie rapper acts, anyway? We're kind of shocked that none of them have their own reality TV show, following their sad lives as they prepare for a revival tour, using their old material. Cue uncomfortable scenes of re-learning lyrics about playgrounds, juxtaposed with one rapper getting high and trying to round up three hookers for a fourgy. Really cheap, filthy hookers.