Like fashion, music trends go in cycles. Artists get nostalgic for the stuff they listened to as kids and try to bring it back. That's why there are music fads from the 80s and 90s due to jump back on center stage at any moment. Ladies and gentlemen, there must be a way to stop them.
Here are trends that must remain in the past... at all costs.
7Child Exploitation in Rap
At an age when you were having your first wet dreams about April O'Neil (or, in some cases, Krang), some kids were actually making something of their pubescence. Perhaps due to the tragic post-80s decline of the Jackson Five, in the 90s the world just needed children rapping. And, if possible, wearing their clothes backwards.
Kriss Kross. Another Bad Creation (ABC). Lil Bow Wow (who ran out of 'Dog' puns after his third album).
Seven year-old Bentley Green is out there plugging away, hoping the fad comes back before he's too old to take advantage (he started his MySpace when he was five freaking years old).
"Who's a big, cranky rapper? You are! Yes you are!"
There's real danger here, because he has the same "Aw, he's adorable!" factor with the housewives that made Kriss Kross mainstream, without the horrified moment when they realized the Kriss Kross kids were calling themselves "Mack Daddy" (which literally meant they were claiming to be 12 year-old pimps). In a couple of years this kid could have a merchandising empire that dwarfs Hanna Montanna.
Whatever happened to all of kiddie rapper acts, anyway? We're kind of shocked that none of them have their own reality TV show, following their sad lives as they prepare for a revival tour, using their old material. Cue uncomfortable scenes of re-learning lyrics about playgrounds, juxtaposed with one rapper getting high and trying to round up three hookers for a fourgy. Really cheap, filthy hookers.
6Charity Supergroup Songs
There was a time when pop artists cared about the plight of the unfortunate. Every so often, they'd look up from their gold-plated plate of gold-plated coke, turn to their busty companion, and realize that dammit, all is not right in the world.
And they could do something to help: they could sing about it. Or even better, get a bunch of their famous friends together to sing about it.
"We Are the World" (1985), "Do They Know It's Christmas?" (1984), "Feed the World" (1984), "Voices That Care" (1991).
There was a whole mess of songs devoted to Hurricane Katrina but you'll notice all of the stars went it alone, rather than go the supergroup route. Apparently today's pop stars hate each other so much that not even Bob Geldof could shoehorn them all into a studio to record one track.
Poor, lonely Bob.
That, or none wanted to share the feel-good spotlight with 50 other stars. They all needed their moment, man.
No, the closest we got was Come Together Now, a "supergroup" formed by the likes of quickly forgotten American Idol Ruben Studdard and Celine Dion. Even though it was dedicated to both the 2004 Tsunami disaster and Hurricane Katrina, it never got higher than #13 on the charts.
Still, with events like Live Earth and no shortage of horrors in the world, it's just a matter of time until the track, "You Know, In Some Parts of the World Ten Year Olds Are Sold as Sex Slaves, For Old Western Men to Sodomize Them, And Babies Get Shot in The Eye Like it's No Big Thing. It's So Messed Up, Man" will hit the charts, featuring the vocal stylings of Will Smith, R Kelly, Lionel Richie and a cast of dozens of other celebrities eager to promote new films and albums.