#4. A Movie Theater
People having sex at movie theaters is about as old as movie theaters themselves. It's dark, the floors are sticky, you're with your best gal. Maybe you're watching a movie that you find particularly sexy. Whether you're watching Tomb Raider, Megan Fox doing anything, or Jurassic Park 3, one thing leads to another and suddenly you're the Mayor of Boner City and you can't think of a single better idea than porking in the darkened theater.
You may be surprised to learn that not all the stickiness on the floor is the result of spilled Pepsi and the vomit of children who couldn't handle the latest Pixar masterpiece. Some of it is just good old fashioned human effluence. Bacteria like bacillus cereus have been found in some theaters which is known to cause quick, sexy bouts of diarrhea. And, if you hadn't stopped to consider it, if you're humping in a theater there's a good chance someone else was too and left behind some runny evidence. So while you're motor boating your lady friend and your hand hits a patch of goo on the arm rest, don't say we didn't warn you, Mr. Mayor.
Of course, if filth doesn't frighten you, the law is on to your little plan as well and has been since the early 1900's, so you're not fooling anyone by sitting in the back row.
Should also read: "Or Masturbate."
When the slightly oily-faced usher gets called in to stop your rutting, he may have the police backing him. Depending on what state you're in and what you were doing, you may end up facing felony charges, 20 years in prison and some melted Junior Mints in your ass.
#3. The Woods
Few things are more romantic than packing up for a weekend, heading to the great outdoors, getting a fire going, pitching a tent and then crawling inside with your honey for some awkward, claustrophobic sex on uneven ground while insects watch. We recommend you plan such a trip for your next anniversary in lieu of an actual gift they'll enjoy.
Unfortunately, while nature enthusiasts may enjoy the freedom of such a exhibitionist act, there's some cause for alarm if you're anywhere near, say, bear country.
Though it's a debated issue, there's some evidence to suggest the stank you put off while rutting around in your tent like two sausages trying to fit in the same casing smells like a little slice of heaven to Yogi and BooBoo.
A couple were found dead in Glacier National Park back in 1980 after being attacked by a bear and it was speculated that sex is what had attracted the bear in the first place.
Most people tell you to keep food tightly sealed so that bears won't come after you, but you should keep your legs sealed for the same reason. And let's be honest, while some sex may be worth being caught by the authorities, you're hard pressed to present a single case of boning that's worth a bear attack.
#2. On a Plane
The Mile High Club is the ultimate fantasy for everyone who's still stuck in the 70s and has a limited imagination. Back then, stewardesses were all tall, hot, skanky and wholly unqualified at their jobs, if porn is any indication. It's natural then that the allure of sex in a plane has become so ingrained in our deviant fantasies. You're in an exotic place, high above the earth, close quarters with nothing to do and in public, sorta. It's all kinds of fun. What could be bad about that?
Legality aside, since you can be arrested for such behavior, there's also the potential safety risks. Plane-sex is the only item on this list that combines the reckless risks of having sex in a car with the potential diseases of having sex in a nightclub. A twofer!
Also have you ever even seen an airplane bathroom? They're not famous for their roominess, we'll tell you. It's like have sex in a kitchen cabinet, but imagine that there were a bunch of faucets and handles inside your cabinet jabbing you in the ass. The prospect of being jammed in a tiny, ripe coffin-sized-bathroom when you hit a patch of rough turbulence that results in you getting wedged somewhere that, when you really, really think about it, you don't want to be wedged can't be entirely alluring either.
#1. On a Boat
If you're pumped full of Dramamine and don't mind the smell of brine and seaweed, then maybe sex on the high seas is the sort of fantasy that's right up your alley. After all, what's hotter than the cold, seagulls and the potential to drown en masse?
Prioritizing while humping on a boat is something you may want to look into, however. For instance, when the Queen of the North, a ferry that ran along the coast of British Columbia, ran into an island, something that's generally stationary and easy to navigate around, there were some rumors that the folks in charge may have had their heads down at the wheel. Or, to be less subtle, they were riding each other like show ponies instead of piloting the ship around things like islands.
That explanation was never made official, but citing human error as the reason an experienced crew simply plowed into an island and caused two people to die is probably not going to be very convincing to a lot of people.
On a smaller scale, there's plenty of evidence (including ghetto video on ebaum's world) to support the fact that small boats don't take well to rocking and general hump-like motions and will, in fact, sink your ass if you try such things.
For more, go buy You Might Be a Zombie anywhere books are sold online or in person.
For some sexual behavior that doesn't even sound like a good idea, check out The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys. Or read up on The 6 Raunchiest, Most Depraved Sex Acts (From the Bible).