Every month magazines like Cosmo, Playboy and Boob Fancy write up some titillating article about places you just have to have sex at least once in your life. All of them seem to operate on the Hollywood idea that having sex while, say, zooming down the Pacific Coast Highway on a motorcycle is well worth the risks involved.
Well, you should at least know the dangers of these fantasy sex locations before you get drunk enough to try it.
Sex on the beach sounds so hot and romantic, doesn't it? It's so popular they even named a drink after it. Then again, they also named a drink the Duck Fart. In any event, it's still a popular motif in film and books, lying out on the sand under the stars while the waves crash behind you and your special friend as you engage in briny coitus.
As anyone who's ever had sex on the beach probably already knows, if you're not extremely careful you're going to discover what it feels like to exfoliate areas of your body that don't need to be exfoliated. And while even places that recommend sex on the beach will point out the sand issue with a little wink and a nudge, they rarely mention the levels of fecal bacteria often found in the sand.
Every summer, beaches around the country get shut down due to high bacteria levels in the water. But recent research by some scientists has shown that sand, awesome filter of filth that it is, can collect big, fatty loads of that bacteria with the ebb and flow of tides.
In fact, they can live a fuller, more robust life in the sand than in the water. If you're grinding away all nude and lascivious on that sand, chances are some of it is finding its way inside your body. Exposure to these bacteria can lead to fun things like typhoid fever, hepatitis A and dysentery, none of which will make your next sexual encounter particularly exciting.
For those too lazy to get to the beach or too fearful of an incident involving jellyfish and taint, there's the semi-thrill of sex in a swimming pool. What could be hotter than dipping your naked hide in water infused with chlorine and urine, while a pool noodle bobs obscenely along with your ungainly and hard-to-maintain humping?
Pool sex has the unwholesome side effect of teaching you just how shitty water is as a lubricant while at the same time delighting you with the possibility of forcing water deep into your unmentionable places, leading to infections. According to research by the University of California, Santa Barbara, even a chlorinated pool can have enough bacteria to get forced inside you and lead to yeast infections and urinary tract infections.
The aforementioned issue with lubrication leads to something science types call "micro-tears" but what you're more apt to call "rips on your junk from lack of lube." Junk-rips greatly increases the risk for STDs and, more disastrously, pruney zombie wang.
If you're looking to avoid chlorine with some manner of ocean scuba sex, dive researchers (such as David F. Colvard, M.D) would like you to know that when you have sex underwater you're probably apt to lose track of some important things like buoyancy, which means you could end up floating to the surface quicker then you'd planned and giving yourself an embolism. Now, we're not underwater sex doctors, like Dr. Colvard back there, but an embolism is probably a total willy wilter.