5 Upcoming Remakes of 80s Movies (That Must be Stopped)

[subtitle]#2. Friday the 13th [/subtitle]

A chainsaw-wielding maniac with everything to prove murders a bunch of negligent camp counselors who just want to have sex with each other.

Why It Made Sense Then:

Friday the 13th got in on the slasher craze early and bothered to bring something new to the table. The movie leads you to believe that Jason's rotting corpse is stalking the camp killing everyone, only to pull the rug out from under you at the end by revealing that it was his angry mother all along. It told you a ghost story, and then made you feel retarded for believing in ghosts. This was all mind blowing before M. Night Shyamalan started jamming twist endings down your throat every chance he got.

It wasn't just a more innocent time at the movie theater. As a country, we just didn't really give a shit about anything in the 80s. Smoking laws were more relaxed, seat belts weren't mandatory, and a little up-and-comer named crack cocaine was poking its twitchy little head around the corner. It was a simpler time, when a woman could say "My son drowned because your counselors were off having sex " and the owners of the camp could respond "Yeah, I hear ya lady. But seriously, eat shit. Camp stays open."

Why It Doesn't Now:

First of all, negligent counselors let a kid drown and they didn't close the camp? Can you imagine that camp staying open today? Today's moms bitch so much that elementary schools across the nation are instituting separate tables and in some cases separate cafeterias to accommodate kids with peanut allergies. Jason's mom may as well be avenging a stage coach robbery.

Then there's the twist ending, the best part of the first movie. The one that asks us to believe that it was a thin middle aged woman who killed all those teenagers and tossed their bodies through a window. We suppose that made as little sense in the 80s as it does now (though modern audiences are just the sorts of assholes to point something like that out). But how about the fact that they're remaking a movie with a twist ending at all? How do you do that?

These people don't know either.

Is the twist ending this time going to be that it wasn't his mom? That there is no twist? Of course, it won't be the first time someone tried to remake a horror movie with a twist ending.

We didn't see Pyscho with Vince Vaughn, but we imagine it sucked.

Okay, But Why ELSE Shouldn't We Remake It?

We don't even know how many Friday the 13th movies have been made, but we know enough to know that they've broken every rule, tested the limits of every premise and retconned every death enough times that the series shouldn't technically exist anymore. Hasn't this franchise reached its boiling point as far as absurd plot holes by now? Seriously, take a brief look at some of the previous Fridays and see how things almost immediately start falling to shit.

Friday the 13th (original)

"Jason is revealed to be...Ma Voorhees, killing camp counselors as revenge for a couple of fornicating counselors that left her son to drown all those years ago."

Friday the 13th Part II

"OK, nevermind about the death of Jason. He's alive and wants to go on a murderous rampage to avenge the death of his mother who was killed avenging his death that never actually happened. "(???)

Friday the 13th Part III

"Let's do Part II again, but in a barn!"

Friday the 13th: Final Chapter

"Same, as the others, but with Corey Feldman now. Feldman hacks him to death with a machete."

Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives

"Okay, nevermind about the machete hacking, it was the kind that you can bounce back from with just a little old fashioned know-how. Also, there is murder."

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

"Let's do Part II again, but on a boat! Yeah we couldn't afford a set that looks like Manhattan."

Jason X

"Have we done space yet? Let's do space. Take the original script, replace 'teens' with 'astronauts,' 'machete' with 'liquid nitrogen' and 'plot' with 'space.' I'm taking lunch, I want this movie made by 5pm tomorrow."

You may notice the entire series consists of finding new places and ways for Jason to kill teenagers. You'll also notice they never brought back Ma Vorhees, probably because someone told them that a middle aged woman tossing teenagers around like beanbags didn't make any sense. If it's not about Ma Vorhees, that raises some even more mind boggling questions, such as: Won't it just be a remake of the shitty sequels that took place at Crystal Lake? Why not just call it a sequel then? Is there any possible scenario in which this film makes sense? Sadly only one of those questions has an answer.

[subtitle]#1. Top Gun[/subtitle]

Sick of being picked on, a scrawny America with everything to prove trains a squad of cocky, excitable navy flyboys who get shirtless with alarming regularity.

Why It Made Sense Then:

This is another Russia-related problem. Really, the overall calming-down of Russia has seriously negatively impacted our ability to remake 80s movies. The whole point of Top Gun was to train pilots to dogfight with Russians in an air-battlefield dubbed "the Danger Zone," which they reached by way of a complex air-highway.

At the end, they did engage in a dogfight with the Russians. And it was fucking awesome. Though for all we know it was that incident that spurned the Russians to retaliate in Red Dawn.

Why It Doesn't Now:

Lot of jet action in today's war going on? Big demand for skilled dogfighters for all those scary air skirmishes? No? Hm. I guess that leads us to the question: What the hell would we be training these pilots for? The Iraqis didn't even put their jets into the air, not wanting to waste the gas they would have burned in the fifteen seconds it would have taken all of them to get shot down. It's true they're trying to buy fighter jets now. From us.

"These dogfights would be a lot easier if they didn't also have planes.

So, are there a bunch of highly trained Al Qaeda fighter pilots that the news media bizarrely refuses to acknowledge? Are we training to fight the Chinese? That would be awkward, considering everything from their uniforms to the electronics in the planes are probably made there.

But beyond that, Top Gun was a chest beating, ultra patriotic movie with zero doubt in America's righteousness. Problems with Russia? No big deal, just pour some America on that sumbitch and watch the freedom come soaring in.

The political climate has changed slightly in the last couple of decades, to say the least. You may have noticed the war movies of today not only cast a critical eye on American foreign policy, but actually give names and faces to our enemies. We never saw the enemies that Maverick and Iceman so giddily shot down over the Indian Ocean (they politely covered their faces), but we couldn't get away with that today. Kenny Loggins just doesn't have a song for morally ambiguous wars with no easy solutions.

Okay, But Why ELSE Shouldn't We Remake It?

Every movie on this list is an awkward and misguided attempt to cash in on nostalgia, but Top Gun is probably the worst offender because it makes the least sense, like the producers printed out the Wikipedia page on popular 80s movies, threw a dart and greenlit a remake for wherever the dart landed.

To make matters worse, like a tiny, excitable moth to a flame, Tom Cruise is hoping to jump on this project to restore his current image by reminding people how not crazy he used to be. Cruise would be taking over the Tom Skeritt mentor role who teaches a rebellious, cocky young pilot how to straighten up and fly right.

That cocky young pilot? Katie Holmes. Perfect. No way that's going to be awkward and creepy.

We miss you, Hot Katie Holmes.

Replace Val Kilmer with a video of ALF getting sexually assaulted by a Ghostbuster and you'll have officially ruined everything that made growing up in the 80s wonderful.

For more movies you're not going to want to see, check out 5 Upcoming Comic Book Movies That Must Be Stopped. Or for a list we're hoping all five of these movies end up on, check out The 6 Worst Movies Hollywood Almost Made.

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