If 'Burn After Reading' Was Shorter And Made Any Damn Sense
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On Saturdays, we ask the people behind some of our favorite websites to fill in for us. You get to learn about an awesome site you may not have heard of, and we get to watch cartoons in our boxers. Today we're bringing you an abridged version of the screenplay for the Coen Brothers latest Burn After Reading, as provided by Rod Hilton, creator of The-Editing-Room.com.
FADE IN: INT. DINNER PARTY GEORGE CLOONEY, JOHN MALKOVICH, and TILDA SWINTON all converse during a party. JOHN MALKOVICH I just lost my job at the CIA, but just to make sure that nobody in the audience has anyone to sympathize with in the movie, I'm going to act like an arrogant prick to everyone. GEORGE CLOONEY Since I didn't win an Oscar for my performance in 'Michael Clayton' I'm going to give up on subtle performances entirely and overact my way through this whole thing. TILDA SWINTON And I'm going to be a stuck-up, raging bitch, thereby completing the trifecta of loathsome lead characters. TILDA, who was fucking JOHN MALKOVICH now starts fucking GEORGE CLOONEY who is also fucking ELIZABETH MARVEL who disappears from the fucking MOVIE, which almost immediately begins fucking over the AUDIENCE. Fuck.
Meanwhile ... INT. GYM FRANCES MCDORMAND quirks her way around the GYM where she works with BRAD PITT. BRAD PITT Whoa, like, hey, I found this CD belonging to John Malkovich and it's all sorts of data and shit! Too bad there were no MP3s for me to put on my Apple brand iPod. iPod: rediscover your music. FRANCES MCDORMAND Whoa, Brad Pitt? I didn't know you still did movies that didn't require you to wear expensive suits or rob casinos. What's with the, you know, acting?
BRAD PITT I was watching all these awesome movies from the late nineties and realized I was in half of them. Figured I should ignore the fact that I'm too old for this kind of role and try again. FRANCES MCDORMAND Oh, well lets blackmail the guy who lost this CD so I can pay for cosmetic surgery to make me look less like John Tesh. The two of them are STUPID and therefore HILARIOUS. They get into WACKY HIJINKS that almost get close to making a POINT but luckily NEVER DO.
JOHN MALKOVICH You two are in over your head. FRANCES MCDORMAND Because we're casually dabbling in blackmail, espionage, and treason? JOHN MALKOVICH No, because you're starring in a movie that is obviously a forgettable, throwaway palate cleanser made to follow up "No Country for Old Men" and absorb the post-Oscar-win-backlash. I've already forgotten this movie and it's only half over. FRANCES and BRAD continue to try and make money from the discovery of a CD containing JOHN MALKOVICH'S screenplay for a jewel thief movie. FRANCES also starts dating GEORGE CLOONEY.
GEORGE CLOONEY Hey, come back to my house and check out this thing I made. It's a chair that shoves a dildo up your vagina as you rock back and forth on it. FRANCES MCDORMAND What the fuck does this have to do with anything? GEORGE CLOONEY I dunno, apparently it got rejected from every Coen movie and finally landed in this one. Isn't it super wacky? It's a totally inappropriate sexual device smack-dab in the middle of a movie that gains nothing whatsoever from it's inclusion! FRANCES MCDORMAND That's so zany! Plus it pads the movie out a little longer! They FUCK. GEORGE also fucks TILDA some more.
Eventually GEORGE gets startled by BRAD PITT and shoots him in the FACE. GEORGE CLOONEY Oh God! What have I done?! I've murdered the only remotely entertaining part of this utterly pointless movie! TILDA SWINTON The audience members are all checking their watches to see if it's early enough in the movie to get their money back, let's hurry and tie up all the loose ends. And by "tie," I of course mean "completely ignore." GEORGE CLOONEY Alright, let's finish your story by having me suddenly leave your house and never hear from you again at all. TILDA SWINTON Great, then you can run away in the middle of the park and never be heard from again as well! GEORGE CLOONEY Telling a story sure is easy when you don't bother actually telling it!
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS DAVID RASCHE is explaining the events of the movie to CIA DIRECTOR J.K. SIMMONS. DAVID RASCHE ... and then Frances McDormand's other coworker broke into Malkovich's house, so Malkovich killed him with a gun and a hatchet and a flamethrower. Oh, and then our guy saw it and intervened, killing Malkovich. Let's see, then we picked up Frances, and then we gave her the money for her surgery. The end. J.K. SIMMONS Is this how movies end now? Just have a character say the ending out loud on camera? Jesus. What did we learn from all of this? DAVID RASCHE That actors will agree to be in your movie without even reading the script if you've just won the Best Director and Best Picture Oscars.
END For more scripts that are funnier and less-time consuming than watching a movie, head to The-Editing-Room.com.
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What do ya know, an article by Rod Hilton is unfunny, pretentious, and insulting. Never would have guessed.
The movie was SUPPOSED to be pointless and empty and completely confusing at times. In my opinion, the joke is on you.
That movie was good!!!
You guys are soul-less assholes.
"GEORGE CLOONEY
Oh God! What have I done?! I've murdered the only remotely entertaining part of this utterly pointless movie!"
i said the exact same thing at this point in the movie.
I really dug this movie, man. It was pure Coen brothers. People were saying the same thing about The Big Lebowski when it came out and look what happened to it: it's still awesome.
That movie was ridiculously retarded. The only character I found funny was Brad Pitt.. and when they killed him.. that was shocking.. but thats about it.
was not going to read the article because I hadn't seen the film yet and didn't want to spoil the plot points, now that I know it has none, I can go see it at a matinee.
I think Rod's brand of humor is pretty good though, especially if this is based on one voiewing of the film. granted it's nitpicking, but some nits need to be picked.
The shooting of Brad Pitt had symbolism, folks. The Coens knew he was the only remotely likeable part of the movie, so they gave the audience a big middle finger by killing him off. I have to say this is a brilliant post, it got the movie spot on.
I thought the movie was fairly funny, but unlike the Big Lebowski it was extremely nasty; the Coens are telling us how stupid we are as a nation and we as an audience laugh at that because we have no other response. And to whoever wrote this was a satire of the spy genre, no f*****g s**t. What, did you think it was a romance?
I thoroughly enjoyed this movie, it made me laugh out loud (something American movies rarely do) and movies need a good WTF moment or two once in awhile. I’m getting bored with the same old crap.
This movie was pretty awful. I remember my exact thought about half-way through was that Pitt, Clooney and McDormand would never be involved in a movie this stupid if it were directed by anyone else. Pitt was great but this movie, if anything, is just an excuse for a bunch of grada A actors to act silly and be OK with it just because it's a Coen brothers movie.
I loved the movie but this article did have one great point: the killing of Brad Pitt. That was a good WTF moment but I was disappointed because he was easily the most entertaining character in that movie. It still played out fine afterwards but his manic idiocy was pure gold.
I wish I could forget this movie. Biggest piece of s**t ever. I'm a huge Coen, Brad Pitt, & George Clooney fan & this was along the lines of Ocean's 12. Shou;dn't exist...
...not according to like, every other comment on here....
Yes.
Yes you are.
Am I alone in thinking this guy's site and what he does is incredibly annoying and not funny?
Grrr! Curse you, Cracked! I loved Burn After Reading. Now I'm either going to be angry at you for disagreeing or, because I find you guys so hilarious and that must mean that your taste is RIGHT, DAMN IT, I will find a way to hate my clearly idiotic previous opinion. Man, it's just like how I stopped liking Juno when you guys said it sucked and how I got really, really angry when you guys said that 8 Crazy Nights sucked (You suck!)
f**k you, Cracked! You suck!
You know, I liked that movie...
Either this is a satirical article, or the writer really didn't get the movie. I think it's satirical because it captures exactly what made this movie hilarious which was the "wtf?" moments throughout it.
UH...Tyler Durden. (and the Cohen bros are awsome)
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i think this guy didnt actually watch the movie. he said george clooney's wife "disappeared" but it was obvious they seperated