If 'Burn After Reading' Was Shorter And Made Any Damn Sense
On Saturdays, we ask the people behind some of our favorite websites to fill in for us. You get to learn about an awesome site you may not have heard of, and we get to watch cartoons in our boxers. Today we're bringing you an abridged version of the screenplay for the Coen Brothers latest Burn After Reading, as provided by Rod Hilton, creator of The-Editing-Room.com.
FADE IN:
INT. DINNER PARTY
GEORGE CLOONEY, JOHN MALKOVICH, and TILDA SWINTON all converse during a party.
JOHN MALKOVICH
I just lost my job at the CIA, but just to make sure that nobody in the audience has anyone to sympathize with in the movie, I'm going to act like an arrogant prick to everyone.
GEORGE CLOONEY
Since I didn't win an Oscar for my performance in 'Michael Clayton' I'm going to give up on subtle performances entirely and overact my way through this whole thing.
TILDA SWINTON
And I'm going to be a stuck-up, raging bitch, thereby completing the trifecta of loathsome lead characters.
TILDA, who was fucking JOHN MALKOVICH now starts fucking GEORGE CLOONEY who is also fucking ELIZABETH MARVEL who disappears from the fucking MOVIE, which almost immediately begins fucking over the AUDIENCE. Fuck.
Meanwhile ...
INT. GYM
FRANCES MCDORMAND quirks her way around the GYM where she works with BRAD PITT.
BRAD PITT
Whoa, like, hey, I found this CD belonging to John Malkovich and it's all sorts of data and shit! Too bad there were no MP3s for me to put on my Apple brand iPod. iPod: rediscover your music.
FRANCES MCDORMAND
Whoa, Brad Pitt? I didn't know you still did movies that didn't require you to wear expensive suits or rob casinos. What's with the, you know, acting?
BRAD PITT
I was watching all these awesome movies from the late nineties and realized I was in half of them. Figured I should ignore the fact that I'm too old for this kind of role and try again.
FRANCES MCDORMAND
Oh, well lets blackmail the guy who lost this CD so I can pay for cosmetic surgery to make me look less like John Tesh.
The two of them are STUPID and therefore HILARIOUS. They get into WACKY HIJINKS that almost get close to making a POINT but luckily NEVER DO.
JOHN MALKOVICH
You two are in over your head.
FRANCES MCDORMAND
Because we're casually dabbling in blackmail, espionage, and treason?
JOHN MALKOVICH
No, because you're starring in a movie that is obviously a forgettable, throwaway palate cleanser made to follow up "No Country for Old Men" and absorb the post-Oscar-win-backlash. I've already forgotten this movie and it's only half over.
FRANCES and BRAD continue to try and make money from the discovery of a CD containing JOHN MALKOVICH'S screenplay for a jewel thief movie. FRANCES also starts dating GEORGE CLOONEY.
GEORGE CLOONEY
Hey, come back to my house and check out this thing I made. It's a chair that shoves a dildo up your vagina as you rock back and forth on it.
FRANCES MCDORMAND
What the fuck does this have to do with anything?
GEORGE CLOONEY
I dunno, apparently it got rejected from every Coen movie and finally landed in this one. Isn't it super wacky? It's a totally inappropriate sexual device smack-dab in the middle of a movie that gains nothing whatsoever from it's inclusion!
FRANCES MCDORMAND
That's so zany! Plus it pads the movie out a little longer!
They FUCK. GEORGE also fucks TILDA some more.
Eventually GEORGE gets startled by BRAD PITT and shoots him in the FACE.
GEORGE CLOONEY
Oh God! What have I done?! I've murdered the only remotely entertaining part of this utterly pointless movie!
TILDA SWINTON
The audience members are all checking their watches to see if it's early enough in the movie to get their money back, let's hurry and tie up all the loose ends. And by "tie," I of course mean "completely ignore."
GEORGE CLOONEY
Alright, let's finish your story by having me suddenly leave your house and never hear from you again at all.
TILDA SWINTON
Great, then you can run away in the middle of the park and never be heard from again as well!
GEORGE CLOONEY
Telling a story sure is easy when you don't bother actually telling it!
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS
DAVID RASCHE is explaining the events of the movie to CIA DIRECTOR J.K. SIMMONS.
DAVID RASCHE
... and then Frances McDormand's other coworker broke into Malkovich's house, so Malkovich killed him with a gun and a hatchet and a flamethrower. Oh, and then our guy saw it and intervened, killing Malkovich. Let's see, then we picked up Frances, and then we gave her the money for her surgery. The end.
J.K. SIMMONS
Is this how movies end now? Just have a character say the ending out loud on camera? Jesus. What did we learn from all of this?
DAVID RASCHE
That actors will agree to be in your movie without even reading the script if you've just won the Best Director and Best Picture Oscars.
END
For more scripts that are funnier and less-time consuming than watching a movie, head to The-Editing-Room.com.
You know I saw this and really just... wtf'd the whole time. I only vaguely remember watching it, and the only parts I remember without reminder are the dildo chair/pitt being shot in the face. That's it.
ReplyI would like to say that, despite loving the movie, I still enjoyed this article, but I didn't because it's overly critical and not actually even funny. A movie doesn't fail to 'make any damn sense' just because you didn't understand it or pay attention.
ReplyReading these comments I can't help but think that I was the only person who hated this movie. It should've been called "FUCK, the Movie" because that's about what the plot and dialogue boiled down to. I loved Fargo, and really enjoyed The Big Lebowski, but this movie just flopped so hard... That said, I found the shorter version to be a fairly accurate, and humorous interpretation.
ReplyTotally agree. My friend and I watched it, were like wtf wtf, stopped watching, dildo chair seriously wtf, stopped again, Brad Pitt shot in face, gave up cos what the hell is going on. Insanity. Just glad I didn't watch it with my parents!
As much as I enjoyed this film the first time through it is very forgettable. I lol'd heartedly to myself when Brad got shot and George freaked the f**k out.
Replyi totally disagree. she doesnt look like john tesh, she looks (and acts) like a blonde (2005) willy wonka.
ReplyI've not seen No Country for Old Men (at the top of my to watch list) and I love Burn After Reading.
Replydont care what you say...I freakin love this movie...and I know all the lines...
ReplyBTW, when Clooney freaks out at the end of the movie I totally cracked up.
ReplyLike when he shoots that poor Brad Pitt character. He runs downstairs, turns around, looks up the stairs and says "hello?" after he obviously KILLED him with a (rather well placed) head shot.
I know this is a comedy site and all. But the writer missed the whole damn point of the film. It was a satirical jab at super serious spy movies like the bourne series. That's why all those banging drums start up at the beginning. The film makers said they did that to make fun of dramatic intro music to some films.
ReplyHell, they even EXPLAINED it at the end. The characters say "so what the hell happened?" and everybody shrugs and goes back to their "normal" lives.
This writer didn't get the joke. Therefore the joke is on HIM.
To be fair a genuinely good film, however remember this is a comedy site and comedy is usually over exaggerated.
Reply"osborne? osborne cocks? we are calling to see if you are interested in the security of... your shit." if there was no point to the movie, that line will always make me die of laughter
ReplyBest scene in the movie was when George Clooney opened the closet and shot Brad Pitt...it wasn't that he shot him, it was that dumbass grin Pitt had on his face. Had me in stitches.
ReplyThat was pretty much the WTF turning point for the whole movie.
Jesus, how dumb do you have to be to think that writing an article bashing a well regarded movie is going to please more than 10% of an audience? This is the quality of a 4chan troll. Glad he isn't a regular writer, and that this site is free
ReplyI think someone doesn't know what a black comedy is.
Replyimagine "it's always sunny in philadelphia" meets the cia. thats what this is about. kinda like Seinfeld in a way too. there is no protagonist, there is no moral story no good vs. evil. and because there is no "good guy" most people feel lost. but thats the point. in the real world there is no good guy. theres just a bunch of people doing dumb shit. and the movie ends "so what did we learn from all this?" "well f**k if i know" which is the whole damn point. there was no moral being preached or underdog rising to the top. it was just a bunch of funny and inept people trying to live their lives. like Fargo but not quite as good. i bet the people that don't like this movie are the same bumble-heads that don't understand Fargo either
Replyplease also see, The big Lebowsky
God I love Fargo.
Got the part with the weird dildo chair right, though. I mean, did Frances McDormand mount up, or what? the idea of that vag-stabber slaying her leather purse is disturbing.
ReplyI still don't get it. The movie didn't make any sense whatsoever and... AND! neither did this.
ReplyI know this is three years old now, but wow this article is bad. First rule of satire; you have to be better than what you are making fun of. It's laughable that this guy thinks he's better than Joel and Ethan Cohen, George Clooney, John Malkovich, Tilda Swinton, Frances McDorman, Brad Pitt, etc. etc.
ReplyAlso, new rule. No one is allowed to use the word "quirky" or any form of it, anymore. It's patently obvious it was used in this article, not because it was appropriate, called for, or helped make a point, but because the author had heard it somewhere before and thought that "since other people have used this word before, I guess I have to use it, too."
And by the way that "Cohen" up there was a type-o, not a misspelling. D'oh!
This movie was genius and the ending was hilarious. It explains the entire movie. "No one" knew what was really going on. The characters were as just as clueless as "you" the audience.
ReplyAgreed. The movie was as well-written and entertaining as this article.
Reply