#3. Kamikaze Cow
In November, 2005, Charles and Linda Everson were vacationing at Wapato Point in Washington, and were driving back to their hotel, when a cow plummeted off of an adjoining 200-foot-tall cliff and crashed onto the hood of their car. The couple managed to escape unharmed, but their minivan was never the same.
The way we see it, there are three distinct possibilities.
1. Mad cow disease made the cow think she was an airplane.
2. She was trying to re-enact Batman's hood jump from the parking garage scene in The Dark Knight.
3. She's a cow, and as such, is designed solely for being hamburger and lacks the basic neural functions required to not fall off things.
Whichever one of those is true, it happens way more than you'd think. Plenty of places already have signs set up under the logic that an obnoxious yellow warning will help prevent something that is impossible to predict and impossible to react to until it has already smashed through the roof and flattened you like an accordion.
WARNING: cartoonish death ahead.
The bottom line is that if you're driving beside a cliff in cattle country, this can happen to you at any moment. Though there's not much you can do to prevent it, we suggest having a sunroof installed. It won't help, but it will give you an amusing view before every bone in your body is pulverized.
#2. Hunting Dog Shoots a Man, Gets Away With It
In August, 1999, in Stuttgart, Germany, the corpse of a fifty-one year old man was found next to his car. The cause of death? A shotgun wound.
The gun in question was lying on seat of the car, next to a bawling dog.
Puzzled, the local cops pulled out their CSI kits and, probably after scanning everything with a green laser beam, realized the shot had come from inside the car. There was no evidence of another shooter.
Other than the dog, that is. They decided the hunter had been leaving his car, when the excited dog jumped on the cocked and loaded gun. It discharged, killing the owner.
That's the theory, anyway. For all we know, there may be a very inventive serial killer in Germany right now, still shaking his head in incredulity that the cops fell for his framing of a freaking dog in a shooting death.
Or, maybe the gunshot rang out after a tense standoff between hunter and dog, at the tail end of a bitter discussion about just who was going to eat the pheasant they brought home.
We'll never know. What we do know is you shouldn't trust an animal with a loaded gun. That's like handing Al Qaeda a nuke on the assumption that they're too damned stupid to figure out how to use it.
"I am gonna fuck you up so hard.
There's always that chance that your dog has waited his whole life for just that opportunity.
#1. A Reindeer Attacks Santa Claus
In September of 1997, Capt. Larry Roberdeau arrived outside of a South Dakota mobile home, responding to a 911 call the Police Station had received earlier.
"I never saw anything like this," he says. "I came on the scene, and there was a reindeer trying to kill Santa."
Let us clarify. It was the home of James Emery, a full-time Santa. And when we say "full-time", we're talking about a guy who apparently wears his costume year-round if the following video is to be believed.
We'll give you a moment to calm down after the thrilling reenactment. Look at the way he's desperately grabbing onto the beast's horns. We think the poor thing was just trying to get away.
Anyway, as he tells the story, he went out to feed his reindeer in the middle of what happened to be mating season. He got a little too close to one reindeer's favorite female. The jealous male, named Casper because Emery apparently doesn't know shit about Santa Claus mythology, went on the attack.
Now, we're assuming that to a reindeer, Santa isn't a jolly fellow delivering gifts. To them Santa would be a cruel taskmaster, who according to legend forces their brethren to haul his fat ass on a frantic global trip through the freezing cold.
Also, if you saw Santa hitting on your girl, wouldn't you step in? Do you think your girl would pass up the chance to fuck Santa?
To make it just a little more ridiculous, the cop on the scene remarked, "This is the most bizarre case I've ever been on... . Involving a reindeer and a man."
Well we should hope so.
The deer suffered a fatal heart attack from all the excitement. And what did James "Santa" Emery do, after he indirectly caused his precious deer's death?
He ate him.
Santa, you may be beloved around the world, but among the reindeer, you're a douche.
For other reasons to fear animals you want to hug check out The 6 Cutest Animals That Can Still Destroy You. Or for some animals that would have kicked our ass if they hadn't gone and evolved, check out 6 Formerly Kickass Creatures Ruined by Evolution or Wolves in Sheep's Clothing: The Badass Roots of 5 Sissy Dogs .