Sometimes, cute, fuzzy animals just get tired of our shit. Forced to crap in boxes, subsist on food that is basically liver-scented sawdust, it's no surprise that even the friendliest of creatures has been known to cause the occasional apocalyptic cascade of destruction.
#6. Che Goatvara
Carl Hulsey wanted a watchdog. But why on earth would you get a watchdog when a watchgoat will serve the same purpose, right?
Uh, no. It turns out that is a very bad idea. Specifically the part where Carl tried beating the goat with a stick every day to make him more aggressive.
Again, he should have seen this coming. He was trying to make the goat aggressive, but who's he going to get aggressive towards, Carl? You. The asshole with the stick.
On May 16, 1991, Carl Hulsey stepped outside with his beatin' stick for the last time. "Snowball," as the goat was known, rushed his tormentor, ramming him in the stomach, twice knocking him down.
Carl fled, but Snowball wasn't going to take any of that shit. The goat chased his former master up the porch stairs, and, with one swift butt, knocked him over the rail towards the ground five feet below. In the end, Carl died of a ruptured stomach.
"What? You t'ink I'm funny? How am I funny?"
When the news broke that the goat was going to be put down, the arbiters of his fate were flooded with letters, pleas for amnesty, and even threats of death if Snowball didn't walk. Some people even offered to adopt the deranged beast.
Snowball had become something of a folk hero to animal-rights activists, a symbol for resistance of oppression everywhere. One piece of advice for his supporters: at his coming home party, don't bring a pinata.
#5. The Cairo Chicken Massacre
Thanks to one chicken, the village of Nazlat Imara became the scene of a bizarre cross between The Ring and the set-up of some horrible joke.
It all began on August 31, 1995, when one chicken "accidentally" fell into a well in the little Egyptian village. A nearby 18-year-old farmer decided to descend into the well to retrieve it. He got caught in an undercurrent and tragically drowned.
Upon seeing this, his sister and two brothers decided the most logical thing to do was to follow him in one at a time.
Each of them got caught in an undercurrent and also tragically drowned.
Two elderly farmers, who, we can only assume were watching the show with a vacant grin, then decided to follow them. Where four healthy, full-grown adults had failed, two frail Egyptian men could only succeed.
They got caught in an undercurrent and drowned. Tragically.
With the day's chicken-related death count at six, which has to be at least three more than most days, other villagers got the message and decided not to throw themselves at the sixty-foot stone shaft.
The villagers called the cops, like they probably should have five villagers ago.
"It looks like... six dead bodies... and a chicken! Get it!"
The icing on the cake is what the local police found when they drew the bodies out of the well.
They found the chicken, alive. Only the anatomical limitation of a beak kept the triumphant smirk off its face.
#4. The Gopher Explosion
On April 3, 1995, three employees of the Carroll Fowler Elementary School in Ceres discovered a small gopher on school grounds. Naturally, they elected to dispose of it in the most humane way possible... by imprisoning it in a small janitorial closet and spraying it with chemicals until it developed a deep hatred for them. And, apparently, superpowers.
After several minutes of tormenting the pathetic creature with cleaning solvents used to harden gum on the underside of school desks, the employees became frustrated with the gopher's lack of deadness. Obviously, this trio didn't pay enough attention to Caddyshack, or they would have seen what was coming.
A cautionary tale.
They stopped for a quick breather, and by that we mean, a smoke. Since smoking wasn't allowed on school grounds, the closet was about the only place the three could retreat to satisfy their cravings. This would be the closet now full of chemical solvent vapors.
Predictably, their lighter ignited a massive fireball of the damned, scorching and consuming all in its path. The three were rushed to the hospital with burns, several schoolchildren wound up with minor injuries and effects from chemical inhalation.
On the other hand, our gopher hero decided he wasn't going to take Death's shit anymore. The blast that had burned three adults had left the gopher relatively unharmed. He was found later, clinging to the wall of the closet.
That's right. The gopher was clinging to the wall. An animal that is known solely for digging. Was clinging. To the wall. Reports do not say if its eyes were glowing with the demonic hellfire of Satan, so we're forced to assume they were.