I think I might’ve gotten Kanye West arrested, and now I feel like such a doofus. Especially given my history, I mean, this isn’t the first time I got a hip-hop star in trouble with the law, (devotees will recall that, several months ago, I may or may not have convinced Vanilla Ice to beat his wife). In fairness, if I had known Kanye was going fly off the handle and get so aggravated that he’d smash an expensive camera at an airport, I probably wouldn’t have said what I said.
I should back up…
Thursday, September 11, 2008 6:00am
I stumbled into Rutt’s Inn, this amazing pancake place in LA, and Kanye was already there, waiting for me. He stood up and waved me over enthusiastically.
“OB,” he shouted, “My man, get over here, we got just oodles of shit to discuss.” Ugh. He’s a lot of things but, above everything else, Kanye West is a morning person. I am not. I sat down across from him, rubbing my eyes, my head throbbing and my throat dry.
“Thanks for meeting me, Dan, this is really-” I silenced him with a hand wave.
“I’m gonna stop you right there, ‘Ye. This conversation isn’t moving another inch forward until I get at least two cups of coffee in me. My eyes feel like fucking pinecones.” Kanye started laughing. If I had to guess, I’d say it was because he was picturing two pinecones fornicating. That was, of course, not my intention, but Kanye probably couldn’t tell that there was no hyphen between “fucking” and “pinecones.” Because this was a spoken conversation.
I digress.
Aside from the giggling, Kanye graciously allowed me several minutes of silence while I wolfed down two cups of black coffee. Kanye was such a fan of mine and I think he’s alright, (I guess), so we both agreed it would be a good idea for the two of us to work on a project together. It was really more his idea than mine, but I figured I’d at least hear him out. I was, after all, writing a pilot for an animated children’s TV show about a genetically-enhanced mouse that gets elected president; Kanye could easily do the voice for the sassy bird that becomes the vice president.
Coming to Fox this fall.
“Now,” I said, after I’d finished my coffee, “what kind of project did you have in mind?” His eyes lit up.
“First off, I just wanna say how psyched I am that you’re meeting with me. I’m such a fan of the blog and your early mixtapes, from back when you used to rap. I mean, you’re the Statutory Rap, man! I am so honored to be in your presence.”
“Settle down, Kanye.”
“Right, my bad. Anyway, I was thinkin’ we could do an album together. You and me, you know, I bring you outta retirement, and we change the game, you know? You’re still tight with Jay-Z, so I’m sure he’d be down to guest on a few tracks. It’d be tight, we’d get Weezy in there, Swizz Beatz. This shit’s gonna be hot!” Rapping? That was the last thing I thought this meeting was going to be about. To be honest, I had no interest in the project and I made no attempts to hide my dissatisfaction. Kanye noticed immediately.
“What’s wrong,” he asked. “You can still spit fire, right?”
“Don’t be a child, Kanye, of course I can. That’s not the point.”
“Well, what is the point?”
Now, before I go any further, I want you to know that I didn’t think I was saying anything revelatory. I honestly didn’t think I was telling any tales out of school, and I didn’t mean to surprise or enrage Kanye West in any way. I mean, he says things like “psyched” and “oodles.” I figured what I was about to say was common knowledge…
“Well, Kanye, I was considering making a comeback, but I’m just not sure it should be with you… I mean, I want to make rap music but, you know. Not for white people.” Kanye seemed positively shocked.
“I don’t understand,” he said after some time.
“Oh, uh, it’s pretty simple. White people love you.” I thought he was gonna have a heart attack, but it’s true. White people love Kanye West. So much so, in fact, that I find it amazing that the foremost experts on stuff white people like have never mentioned it. Kanye West, still somewhat in shock, was ready to speak.
“You’re messing with me. This…this can’t be. I’m… I’m from the street, I-”
“Everyone knows where you’re from, Kanye. And, hey, it’s nothing to be ashamed about- you’re selling a ton of records, you’re a dynamite producer and you’ve sold out shows all over the globe. And there’s nothing wrong with making music white people love, plenty people have done it in the past. James Taylor comes to mind.” Kanye West threw up all over the table.
“You lyin’, DOB, you must be lyin’.” Has he seriously never suspected this?
“You don’t believe me? Alright, as an experiment, go ahead and ask any average, suburban middle class white person if they’re into rap. Go ahead. Right now. Pick someone off the street, anyone, and ask if they like rap music, and I’ll tell you, (unless they’re an actual hip-hop fan), they’re gonna say ‘Eh, I’m kinda into rap. I think Kanye West is great.’ Trust me. Just about every white person who’s worried about coming off as either uncool or a racist, which is to say, ‘every white person,’ will say almost that exact sentence, verbatim.”
Just look at all those white hands. Up front and everything.
“Stop it. Stop it! I don’t believe you.”
“Well now you’re just being a baby. Kanye, man, do you have any idea just how many high-maintenance white girls have ‘Stronger’ memorized? Fucking all of them, man. And, I mean, haven’t you noticed that the way you dress informs the style of idiot white guys everywhere?”
He put his fingers in his ears and started shaking his head violently.
“Look, there’s just something about you. You’re just gangster enough that white people will listen to you and feel cool and edgy, (yet comfortable), but not quite gangster enough that white folks will be afraid of you. Or, you know. That anyone else will actually like you. There’s nothing wrong with being liked by white people. Hell, some of my best friends are white. But I’m just saying that if you decided you wanted to feature Regina Spektor on an upcoming single, two things would happen: no one in the hip-hop community would be surprised or impressed, and white kids at colleges across America would absolutely lose their shit.” Seriously. U-Mass Amherst might have to shut down while all the students clean up after their simultaneous orgasm.
Kanye was, understandably, having a difficult time with this new information.
“But…but I’m from Chicago, man, the streets of Chicago.” His eyes started to well up.
“Oh, right, that’s another problem. You reference Chicago a lot, and in your songs, sometimes you call it ‘Chi-town,’ which is fine, but other times you call it ‘The Shire.’ Now, uh… I know you think that’s a cool nickname but…I don’t know if you know this, but the Shire is where the hobbits lived in Lord of the Rings….Do…do you know what type of people love Lord of the Rings, Kanye? I don’t think I need to tell you.”
“Oh my God.”
“Yeah. It’s pretty awful.”
“I don’t mean to rap for white people. I don’t want to make white people happy.”
“Of course you don’t, Kanye, nobody wants white people to be happy.”
“But why do they like me so much?”
“Love, Kanye, white people love you. And I guess it’s because you’re catchy, uncomplicated and generally inoffensive. Let’s be honest, all of your hits are pretty mom-friendly. Also you’re very clear. White people are crazy about diction.”
“But still, my lyrics. I rap about life, man, and the streets. Doesn’t that count for anything,” he pleaded.
“Bitch please. You rap about working at the Gap, smoking pot and having sex with drunk chicks. Those are the only things white guys do.”
“Why are you saying this,” Kanye said with tears streaming down his face.
Is that Sting and John Mayer? Well, if this isn’t the whitest fucking thing I’ve ever seen…
“Because I figured you knew!” Honestly. I assumed everybody knew. White people love Kanye West, Middle Eastern people love Lionel Ritchie, and Chinese people are afraid of Smash Mouth. These are Pop Culture Commandments, I don’t presume to understand them, but I acknowledge them all the same. I spend plenty of time around white people, I’ve even been mistaken for white. But I’ll never quite get why white people are so fascinated by Kanye West.
Also Michael Phelps. White people are obsessed with Michael Phelps, I just don’t get it.
“But I sold so many records….”
“That’s true, you’ve got some insanely catchy joints, no one’s taking that away from you. But, you know…Blink182 had some catchy shit too, but I don’t think anyone would argue that they helped out punk music in any way. Do you see what I mean?” He did. And it hurt. He looked practically catatonic, sitting at that table, watching his world crash around him. I tried cheering him up.
“Hey, on the bright side, you’re bringing rap music to the whole world. You’re introducing an entire generation of pasty, soccer-loving white folks to rap. Music History will look back on you fondly but, uh…the same way it looks back on Hammer.” If the Rutts Inn had sharper knives, I think Kanye probably would’ve used one to stab someone at that point. I never was too good at comforting depressed hip-hop stars after a pancake breakfast. I know, that is an oddly specific flaw to have, but it’s true. It’s my one weakness.
“Listen,” I said, paying the bill, “I guess this a lot for you to digest, so I’ll just leave you alone. I think you have a plane to catch anyway. But, hey, gimme a call if you have any interest in voicing a cartoon vice president named ‘Dan Quail.’ Do…do you get it?… Okay, I’ll leave you alone.”
An hour and a half later, Kanye got arrested for flipping out at an airport and breaking a paparazzo’s camera.
Whoops.
***
So, uh…State of California…hopefully this should explain why Mr. West acted out the way he did. Have mercy on him, this is a tough pill for ole’ Kanye to swallow. Please, take pity on him and be lenient in your sentencing. It’s like Kanye finding out for the first time that there’s no Santa Claus. Or, that there is a Santa Claus, and he just loves Kanye’s music.
Because he’s a fat white guy.
Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien
- On Inauguration Day White People Can Finally Be Cool - November 14th, 2008
- Will You Marry Me, Kristen Wiig? - November 7th, 2008
- "WESTSIIIIIIIIIDE!": How to REALLY Talk to Cops - October 31st, 2008
- Leaked Excerpts from 15 Year-Old Miley Cyrus's "Memoir" - October 24th, 2008
- Announcing the Candidacy of Plumber/Sixpack - October 17th, 2008
November 18th, 2008 at 1:16 am
A Kanye song with Regina Spektor would be the shit.
November 13th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Kanye must be thinking “How can you be so heartless……”
Great blog!!!
October 14th, 2008 at 1:52 am
That’s hysterically funny. I may have peed a little when you mentioned a feature with Regina Spektor…Fuck off with your brilliance!
October 11th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Yeah, clearly mexican (who I am sure isn’t a mexican) needs to do his homework.
October 9th, 2008 at 8:18 am
Best bits were;
‘Don’t be and child Kanye’ and
‘Nobody wants white people to be happy’
congrats DOB
this blog rocks
October 7th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
[...] Gap, smoking pot and having sex with drunk chicks. Those are the only things white guys do.
September 30th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
You have such an Irish name.
September 25th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Funny as always DOB. It would have been funnier if I had ever heard of this Kyane West feller.
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:44 am
this was hilarious
September 17th, 2008 at 10:42 am
mexican- Are you serious? Perhaps you should take a look at Dan’s profile.
September 16th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
wow. pretty articulate for a black guy… are you sure YOU dont listen to kanye? quit studying that vocab and grammar, foo. stand up with the heroes and she-roes (white people call them heroines) of the ghetto and say, “fuck kanye west. he doesn’t rap about bling and all the useless shit he did to his ‘89 le sabre; about shootin’ fools in the same situation.”
September 16th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
i must say, i was dissapointed by your last post, mr. o’brien. not very original. everybody’s talking about how “hot” sarah palin is. but you’ve redemed yourself with this one.
September 15th, 2008 at 5:55 am
Ah..rapid subject change. This was actually a big freakin’ story here (As Kanye was on his way to Hawaii) I saw it 40 times on the evening news..
DOB..sorry, comin’ in late. Did you attend UMass/Amherst? I did. Southwest girl.
I don’t remember gas prices from way back when. They tell us our prices are dropping (apparently we get our energy sources from other places)..still costs me $65 to fill my tank.
I have comments on mad boning and girls and all that crap but I have learned to shut the fuck up.
Aloha..
September 14th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Yes and all together now and that’s what she said.
September 14th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Ha!
September 14th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
that and you should probably lay off the damp rag.
September 14th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Maybe it’s your “mad boning skills” that drives a pefectly sane girl insane.
September 14th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
I usually only get the crazy parts (for lack of a better word) after I’ve boned her and thought she was sane. Then the crazy comes like a flood. Apparently I only attract batshit insane women.
But I think glendoor and P-S. Ross’ stories top mine.
September 14th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
I usually get “oh shit, your ex was in jail? AND YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT HE WAS IN FOR!!??”
September 14th, 2008 at 11:06 am
Truth, see the afore mentioned “what are you doing with wife story” as an example.
September 14th, 2008 at 9:40 am
It all depends who everyone bones, and when, because boning can cause as well as solve problems.
Boning is a lot like alcohol; it is the cause of, and solution to, most of life’s problems.
September 14th, 2008 at 9:20 am
I think we can solve all abovementioned problems with constant boning.
September 14th, 2008 at 6:11 am
Yes I was, now shut the fuck up.
September 14th, 2008 at 5:17 am
Metalbrainsurgery, Opeth Awaits, I’m pertty sure he was referring to the “devil horns” hand sign that the kid is making.
September 14th, 2008 at 5:05 am
When I started driving, petrol (gas) was about $1.15/L ($4.35/Gal, roughly 1:1 exchange rate). Now everyone is thrilled that it’s gone back down to $1.50 after its excursion up to $1.80 ($5.67 and $6.81/Gal, respectively).
I am turning 20 on saturday; I’ve been driving for four years. Super sad face.
September 14th, 2008 at 4:20 am
When I started driving your feet got really tired because they were those Fred Flinstone cars.
September 14th, 2008 at 2:03 am
When I started driving, gas was expensive if it was above $1.20 a gallon, and for a short period of time it was about 90 cents per gallon.
I’m 25.
Now I’m sad.
September 14th, 2008 at 1:26 am
when I started driving gas was only $1.50 a gallon
I’m 21
I just made myself sad
September 14th, 2008 at 1:23 am
Interesting. Today my friend and I were discussing (more like DICK-CUSSING, hahaha . . . yeah, that was lame) that very objection–the pregnancy/STDs/angry husband objection. My friend opined that if you truly lived the “penis in vagina” philosophy–if it was your Tao, your Way–you may in fact be able to overcome those problems with that philosophy. Maybe the angry husband may be soothed by whores. Maybe the STD problem may be solved by giving it to people you hate. (Ouch!)
Well, if we could only combine sex with explosions . . . (of SEMEN, hahahaha . . . I’m shutting up now and drinking more now).
September 14th, 2008 at 1:20 am
Kanye West just got liked by one more white person - me! Now I have often found Kanye’s work to be nothing more than the occasional catchy distraction. He was the better end of the stuff that actually gets on the radio, but its still in the radio class of music. It isn’t so much that he’s an affront to everything holy about hip hop like the rest of the radio class, but he’s generally just kind of bland and boring.
But now I just found out that he’s in a group called Child Rebel Soldier with Lupe Fiasco and Pharrell Williams and together they have put out a song with Thom Yorke called Us Placers. It may be white, but it’s not popped collar white.
DOB FOR PRESIDENT!
Bonings for all supermodels!
DOB/Abs ‘08
September 14th, 2008 at 12:43 am
My personal philosophy has always been everything can always be solved by explosions.
In my humble experience “penis goes in vagina” can be pleasant, but often leads to horrible side effects, like STDs or children or some guy putting a gun in your face and screaming “WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY WIFE?” and you have to answer “Well if you don’t know then there’s part of the problem.” and you have to jump out of a second story window, naked, holding on to your junk so the glass don’t cut it, and that cause you to land wrong and you twist your ankle and you have to low crawl until you find a clothesline that only has womens bathrobes on it. Then you have to limp home two miles, through bad part of town and get propositioned three times by crackheads, to get to your apartment and shit like that.
Explosions, none of that bullshit.
September 14th, 2008 at 12:31 am
I never called anyone racist. I was just stating my opinion. I realize the article is a joke (”oodles” had me cracking up).
I also realized someone would react negatively to my previous comment. Oh well.
September 13th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Right, right. If you’re gay, it’s a whole new ballgame. But personally, my personal philosophy is that everything can be solved by living by the “penis goes in vagina” mindset.
September 13th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
That was meant to go after the penis goes in vagina comment.
September 13th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Unless you’re gay. I’m not, I’m just saying.
September 13th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
I totally support D.O’B.’s platform; I believe it would unite the world in true (sexual) harmony.
September 13th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Penis goes in vagina.
September 13th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
DOB is Cracked.
September 13th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
@ Ms. Aloof, Arthur, and Trgdr777: You either all missed the point (the point being that DOB is the archbishop of hip hop, and writes for comady blog on the side) or you have no sence of humor what so ever. People take this race thing WAY to seriously.
So here’s my go at being offended at you’re (obvious) racism.
“OMG, I take a few minutes out of my day to visit the cracked to get a few laughs and I wind up being subjected to this racist dribble. Mr. Obrien you are far too intolerant and you hurt my feelings when you said that black people don’t like Mr. West (not the one of the Adam persuasion). That was very generalizing of you to think that you know what black people do and don’t like. Why does race even have to be brought into it. This just goes to show that America is truly a racist nation. The oppressive white society won’t have anything to do with anything that isn’t white enough for them. I am appalled Mr. O’brien, I am appaled”
Ugh racebating is tireing.
September 13th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Lots of people (regardless of ethnicity or gender) like the more “mainstream” rap these days. It’s popular to like Kanye, Lil Wayne, etc. I wouldn’t say he only appeals to white people. I’m an African American myself, and I think some think some of his stuff is pretty catchy (even if Kanye is kind of an idiot). I also hate a lot of the more offensive “gangster/street” rap music. I just love how people associate being black with coolness, rap music, and being gangsta, and if you’re white, you must not know about those things.
September 13th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Yes. Fuck them. Adam D. of Killswitch Engage immediately comes to mind. Rawr.
September 13th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
and NewYork.
September 13th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
No offense to anyone from Massachusetts…but fuck everyone from Massachusetts.
September 13th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Delivering bad news over pancakes really should be a paid occupation. Imagine!
“Your children were eaten by wolves.”
- OR -
“Oh boy! Get dressed! You’re meeting DOB at IHOP!!!”
Clearly, the Reverend O’Brien has missed his calling. And that calling was and is exotic dancing. This pancake thing is a close second though.
September 13th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Insufficient girl with pig. But otherwise funny. Very funny. Well, I thought so. But judging by the responses to my infrequent attempts at Craptions, I have all the wit of a brick. And not one of those witty bricks, mind you. A slow, rural brick who was held back at school a lot and tells bad knock-knock jokes.
September 13th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
That’s a fact.
September 13th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Eskimoes don’t like Kanye West.
September 13th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
The article pretty much asserts that black people/artists don’t take Kanye seriously, that he’s not “real” enough for the hip-hop community, and that only douchey white people truly appreciate his music.
The fact that one ethnic group appreciates an artist doesn’t take away from the fact that another does as well, and I don’t think anyone is saying that.
I think people of all ethnicities enjoy Kanyes music and I think that people of all ethnicities think he’s an asshole. He crosses the color-barrier. He’s a pioneer!
September 13th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
i don’t understand why it is in issue that white people like kanye west. i think hes an asshole, personally and feel his music is repetitive and lousy. however, i feel that it is unnecessary for it to be made into a derogatory statement that any race; white, black or whatever, like his music. it shouldn’t matter. as a minority, wouldn’t you like for society to not see color? how will that change if as the minority, you are eagerly pointing your finger in the direction of the difference. what’s the issue? we are a diverse culture and country that is what makes us great!
September 13th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
@ Res_Ipsa… “drag racism” I like that. Is a drag racist a cross-dressing bigot or a gearhead you see at a a race track?
September 13th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Dan, you fucking paid!
Last…
September 13th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
From Res_Ipsa: “Everyone sucks, let’s all bone.”
It makes me smile every time I think it. Could we perhaps unite the world, all races and cultures, with this simple philosophy?
My favorite part of Cracked is how it makes the world a better place.
September 13th, 2008 at 11:35 am
I’ve been in Amherst for one of those simultaneous orgasms. It’s quite sticky. Personally, I’m a UMass Lowell guy. It’s similar to Amherst, except everyone thinks they’re gangsta because Lowell is a “city.”
September 13th, 2008 at 10:23 am
I’m black, I love Kanye, and most black people I know enjoy (at least his music) as well.
Dude is talented and I’m more than happy to hear someone try something different with rap. Yes black people go to college, yes black people work retail, and yes black people have issues unrelated to being shot at and/or assaulted by the police.
Kanye is certainly a brat and can be the biggest fucking baby, but I appreciate the moves he’s making in the industry.
September 13th, 2008 at 10:14 am
The best part: “Nobody wants white people to be happy!”
September 13th, 2008 at 9:11 am
We can do anything that Pogue like
She would do anything for a Klondike
I’m white as fuck, I ride a road bike
Still think it’s funny as hell to use the term “psych”
Don’t call ‘em lil’ shorites, call ‘em lil’ tikes
I guess there are vocab issues between black and white.
That doesn’t seem so tough. Where’s my contract, Death Row? There is still a Death Row Records, right? Dre? Snoop? Anyone?
September 13th, 2008 at 8:55 am
… Wow, that first sentence I wrote to Glendoor makes almost no sense. Are we going to petition for an edit function soon or what?
September 13th, 2008 at 8:53 am
@ Mike.
Of course it was meant to be serious. These bloggers report news only, tackling those hitting hard issues.
@ Glendoor.
It seems to that each countries has being bent over in regards to fuel in a different way.
Apparently the Australian government takes a levy (read tax) that equates to about 46% of the price of fuel per litre. Which is retarded because being a percentage it only gives the government more benefit from rising fuel prices. In Australia we have GST (goods and services tax) which is a 10% tax on anything that falls under the category of goods or service. So then we get charged 10% on top of total price per litre even though 46% of the figure is NOT a good or service and is, in fact, a “levy”.
Our government put in place some fuel price watch scheme to try and keep prices down. It was fucking retarded, they sat there and went, “Yep, these companies are ripping you off…. That’s all” they watched great, didn’t do shit about it though.
I remember fuel being 60c per litre when I was younger. The prices now are just ridiculous.
September 13th, 2008 at 7:08 am
[...] will recall that, several months ago, I may or may not have convinced Vanilla Ice to beat his wife).read more | digg [...]
September 13th, 2008 at 5:22 am
who is this guy i dont get it just found it stupid is it sposed to b a joke cause i didnt find any of it funny was i spose to or is this serious?
September 13th, 2008 at 1:50 am
Res_Ipsa speaks to the issues that really matter to me. When I run for President, I’m running on a “Boning for everyone” platform. Also, lowering gas prices.
September 13th, 2008 at 12:43 am
Yup.
September 13th, 2008 at 12:41 am
I remember when gas was overpriced when it was above $1.20 per gallon, and I blame the abs and all the hot women trying to get to CA for the abs. (I’m on a misogynist bent.)
Anyone trying to drag racism into this blog: all races suck equally. There, go suck on that. The slave trade was encouraged by both white guys and . . . yup . . . Africans. The drug trade? Opium wars and the Triads.
Everyone sucks, let’s all bone. Can D.O’B. get behind that? I know I’m not a hot female fan and therefore my loyalty matters about as much shit matters, but fuck it, I love (PLATONICALLY) you guys anyway.
September 13th, 2008 at 12:28 am
I do judge Kanye West by the content of his character, which is: douchebag.
September 13th, 2008 at 12:06 am
mike, you seem to have a racial chip on your sholder. Go race bait somewhere else.
September 12th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
Somewhere Mike Myers feels a pain in his side
September 12th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
I hate to whip out the old man card, but I remember once, when I was very small, my Grandad and I stopped for gas and he had a shit fit that he wasn’t going to pay .31 cent for gas.
BTW, Dan, you never manned up and admitted whether or not this gas shit is your fault or not.
Doesn’t matter I guess at the rate that gas prices are rising I couldn’t afford to drive to California anyway. Your safe……………………FOR NOW!!( I had to pay Gladstone ten bucks to use that.)
September 12th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
I made a quote from this into my MSN name
September 12th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
@Mike- Somebody give Mike a book deal already, this man’s a genius.
@Glendoor- When my older brother first started driving the two of us to school, gas was 90 cents. That was not that fucking long ago. It’s awful that if gas under 4, people would rejoice. “It’s going down,” they’d say.
$1.25 a gallon used to be outrageously overpriced. God damn.
September 12th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
Seriously, there are so many other great rap and better yet, hip hop artists. This cocksucker is not worth our time
September 12th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
@MJ-89 Thanks for trying, but it doesn’t make me feel much better. The people in my area and later today, the entire state went into a bona fide state of panic. So much so the Governor had to declare a state of emergency. It not that we’re running out of gas, he did it to put price gouging laws into effect.
For those of you that don’t know, the gas that get at the gas station today has been paid for already. the next shipment they get, the price has already been agreed upon for the most part. So when something like this hurricane comes along and gas stations raise the prices, that is price gouging.
What pisses me off the most is gas, just ten years ago, gas was around a dollar a gallon.
In the last ten years, gas prices have more than tripled.
And the President and Vice President are both “former” oil men. Go fucking figure!!!
September 12th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
This one I actually linked to a few people and read outloud. HIlarious. Thank you
September 12th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
That was horrifying.
September 12th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Whoever wrote this is a racist motherfucker. Can’t we make Martin Luther King proud of us all, and judge a man “by the content of his character?” That means, you judge people INDIVIDUALLY. It’s that fucking simple. Want to end racism? Listen to the big MLK, he knew his shit. It’s shit like this that keeps people racist. But duh black man love to complain about his oppression and his struggles, and how duh white man keepin him down. I aint never done nothin to duh black man. Duh black man brought this awful stupid ass shallow materialistic idealism. Cuz baby you can have whatever you like. yeaaa. Popular hip hop is all about fucking, getting drunk, selling drugs, not giving a shit about anything, makin dem g’s, and putting down other people so these RAPSTARS can serve their bloated egos. It’s all this selfish attitude bullshit. you aint me I aint you we neva gonna be similar I always gonna be different than you all this separation. God condemn the man who wishes to separate, to divide. And all you mother fuckers want to raise yourselves up by putting me, or someone else, down. It’s cheap and pathetic if you ask me.
September 12th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Oh wow, the Folds video right? I forgot what my comment said.
No, I haven’t seen it. I’ll check it out right now.
September 12th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
@ Dan- What video? The one on the article? I clicked play and it said “this video is no longer available”.
September 12th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Kanye IS mentioned by Stuff White People Like. Taken from #107, “Self Aware Hip Hop References”:
This is also an excellent way to make white people like you. If you can recite rap lyrics with perfect enunciation, they will always find it funny. As a rule of thumb, the more popular the rapper, the funnier it gets. Best options: 50 Cent, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, or Jay Z. Note: avoid Kanye West as the irony of reciting his lyrics with perfect English is not as great.
September 12th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Here’s where controversy comes in. I know he calls it Chi-Town, (it’s mentioned in the article), but also it sounds like in a lot of tracks, (Family Business comes to mind), he calls it “The Shire.” After posting this article, some buddies have said “No, he’s calling it ‘The Chi,’” while some others agree with me that he says “The Shire.” Some lyrics read it as one, some the other. I suppose only the man himself knows.
September 12th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
OK, no one calls Chicago the “Shire”. I think the author is thinking of “Chi-town”.
September 12th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
whoa! #1 black people still listen to hip hop/rap !? whoa! #2 people still use the word Hip Hop !? HSorrow tragic !
September 12th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Kayne West is a douche bag, He made the good people of Bonnaroo wait over an hour after his stage was set up till 4:30am. Our drugs wore off, the sun came out and King Douche bag only did half a set. “Kanye West can suck a fart” Random Hippie.
September 12th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
I actually saw this blog come up last night before I went to bed but I was so damn tired that I just couldn’t hack reading it. I did, however, see the fucking-pinecones picture and you can imagine my confusion at the time. That said, it is a DOB article so I always expect a certain level of insanity.
@ Glendoor.
I assume US$5.49 is for a gallon. I was curious to know what that was in litres so I got out my calculator and realised you are paying much less for your petrol than Australians:
At the moment in Melbourne I’m paying anywhere between $1.50 to $1.60 per litre depending on the day of the week. That’s between $5.68 and $6.06 per gallon and that cheap price is pretty much only available on Tuesdays so I’m paying about $5.88 per gallon most of the time.
I feel even more ripped off than before, but hopefully you’ll feel a little better!
September 12th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
@ Billie Shears
Im 20 at a large campus and that’s 100% true, and its fucking annoying. I love hip/hop but if i hear the Carter 3 one more time im gonna flip a shit.
Then you try to play something unheard of like Elzhi and they all find it “gay” and demand to heard Carter 3
September 12th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
@ Mr_Hym, wasn’t that MC Hammer?
That or a very hip group of lesbians.
September 12th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Alot of frat boys like Lil Wayne as well. I think the typical white male in their late teens/early 20’s, aspires to be black, but you know, with the added luxury of not actually being black.
September 12th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
This is fucking priceless!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70LyXqthYjw
September 12th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Oh, dear. I hope this doesn’t put a hit on my head. :S
September 12th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
It’s true. Black people don’t like Kanye West anymore. All he’s ever done for us is get people to wear plaid pants and faux-hawks.
September 12th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
That’s actually a really good cartoon idea. I’d totally watch it (baked).
September 12th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Jocelyn Harder-Testes, may I recommend the following for your comfortable listening pleasure?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bIcIamhhTk
September 12th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
DP13: I’m sure D.O’B. is too busy either doing sit-ups (for those abs) or boning all the women in CA. I would assume that there’s only so much one can do whilst multitasking.
Either that or he’s busy being consumed by the rage he has against Gladstone, a rage that probably does not exist but which I like to assume exists anyway.
September 12th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Ian, that isn’t totally random or anything.
September 12th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
MacHaggis: I think you should be a little less specific about how you want Kanye West to die. I doubt pinecones will ever be close enough to him for him to choke.
Dan, my man. Why is it that Swaim can seemingly release articles every couple of days, and you, the funniest blogger are stuck to only blog on Fridays?
September 12th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Germans love David Hasselhoff
September 12th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Kanye West is black??!
I’ve been letting my kids listen to that music!!
September 12th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
For the record, I just need to state that I am fully, without a doubt, white as the rice that come with an order of General Tso’s Chicken, and I do not in anyway like Kanye West. In fact, I hope he chokes on “fucking-pinecones” and dies. Hopefully knowing that at least one white person hates his music and him personally should make the Hobbit loving, Day-Glo Polo sporting, dick whistle feel better.
September 12th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Unless Kanye West starts doing As Blood Runs Black/All Shall Perish-esque metal, I don’t think I’ll truly ever love him. Also, the pink polo shirts with popped collars have to stop. What happened to American men that they don’t have testicles anymore? Does no one produce testosterone enough to wear a simple black t-shirt practically every day? What’s this world coming to…
glendoor–beat the world up please!
September 12th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Good specifics going with Amherst. Everybody knows UMass Boston is a bunch of single mothers trying to get their life back on track, and nobody really cares about Lowell, Dartmouth, or the other one that opened up a few years ago which isn’t important enough for me to commit its location to memory.
I should have figured you were from the Bay State, what with your last name being O’ Brien and all.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
People only pretend to like Kanye West, because they don’t know that’s what everybody else does.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
@MBS: Forgiven. Fist away.
@Shana: Have you seen the video? It’s directed by Tim and Eric and it’s great.
@katkchesire: Excellent. Get those articles airborne. First, we take the skies, next we’ll take space. Also, sea, eventually.
@classybroad: The mouse was stolen off google image search, the pinecones were meticulously arranged personally.
@Blackagar: Shhhhhhh.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Ah, not a nazi. Just a regular old idiot.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
LoL No Way! I am not a Nazi, just those surfer dudes are toooooo cute! Hahaha
September 12th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
One of your best, DOB.
There’s an entire Air Force Base in CA that is circulating your articles now. I didn’t want to make you a forward, you’re better than that, but their internet regulations prohibit Cracked.com. I had to share the genius. And the abs.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
*Definitely*
September 12th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Defiantly not your best. Ha, Ben Folds just put out a song featuring Regina Spektor.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Jozie, now you sound like a Nazi.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Icy hot on the balls you say? I’ve done that. Twice actually.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
He did it for attention, plain and simple.
His people call to let the paps know where
they will be and when they arrive let the tantrums begin LoL
BTW I’m a white girl and I love white boys, preferable blond hehe
September 12th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
That’s true.. My almost all-white high school (we have black people bused in from boston ever day to make it more diverse) has “harder better faster stronger” on the back of all our XC sweatshirts
September 12th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Yes, Dan, Yes. That is exactly what I’m talkin’ about.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
@ el_zilcho:
I sincerely doubt he was talking to you, seeing as:
a) His comment was posted at the same time as yours; and
b) Your comment was not at all funny.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
P.S.
Even MBS is drawn to the fucked-up allure of the “First!” Everyone has to do it once. It’s like putting Ben-Gay on your balls. You know it’s fucking stupid, you know what happens, but you still, like, do it and then weep in pain for the next five fucking hours.
. . . Or maybe that’s just me. But I do remember a certain someone accidentally spilling gasoline on his balls because he pissed off God (or something equivalent).
Also, where’s the part where you point to your crotch? Are we sure this isn’t just Gladstone posing as D.O’B.?! He’s not doing HBN next week . . . I’m suspicious . . .
September 12th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
to quote Nile, as it was before, so shall it be.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Loved it. Thanks for making me laugh. And if you’re really an Asian woman . . . with abs . . . rawr.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
DEFEND THE PAPPARAZZI!!!
I’m glad he busted someone’s shit. Doing a worthless, anti-social job is grounds to get shoved around.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
you do realize who you’re talking about zilcho? No? Well then let me set you straight. I didnt mean to type first, I wast trying to type FIST, but I had just woken up. somehow I by mistake threw the r in there. and for further education, may i rederect you to:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=816355
At DOB, my bad, I was trying to type fist cause I thought it would be funny, but my half asleep asshole self got messed up. So I figured it would be even lamer to correct my acurately placed FIRST with the proper FIST than to just leave the FIRST uncorrected.
So to make it official I ment to type FIST. Any time from here on out if I get first it shall be FIST.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
kanye is alec baldwins apprentice,
when he has a daughter he will call her a pig in a voice message.
I think he hangs out with sean penn too.
That papparazz bashing was just his initiation.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
I’m white. Kane West is alright. I prefer Nas. I actually prefer Eminem, but I feel like maybe I shouldn’t say that. You know, being white and everything. Not that I’m racist. You know.
September 12th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Ryan, here’s a picture of Dan O’Brien.
http://www.mymuscletips.com/sites/pnickle/_files/Image/ripped%20abs.jpg
September 12th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
me?
September 12th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Who are you? That was really funny but I dont know who you are and i wish i did i need a picture to go with your name
September 12th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
no dan, he’s not……….he’s got a simpler mind where he acts on impulse, much like your average caveman or monkey….and if he acts like monkey then he must also masturbate in public and fling shit at everything that’s not shit unless he is trying to make a bigger pile of shit. yes like all people that say first, he is among the lowest of the low in the brains department……………………..mmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnn………..brainsssss
September 12th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
I don’t know about “haven” your picture taken, but I say that it comes with the territory. You don’t get a job at McDonald’s and then flip shit when you find out you have to touch meat; you shouldn’t want to be a celebrity and then throw a tantrum when someone takes your picture.
By the way, it’s “fuckin’ iritating” that you just wrote “googl’in’”.
September 12th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Does anyone else just maybe think that having a camera stuck in your face without permission and haven your picture taken seem extremely fuckin’ iritating and perhaps rude?
I’m surprised no one has ever killed any papparaz. (Well maybe there were incidents but I don’t feel like googl’in’ it). The only tragedy here is that a nice camera was broken.
September 12th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
he says the ‘chi’ (pronounced shy), not ’shire’…how lame is it for me to correct a fictional work?
September 12th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
I sure Kanye can always says its George Bush’s fault. After all he doesn’t like black people, so say the oh, so intellectually enlightened hip hop community.
September 12th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
You talkin’ about the mice or the pinecones fucking?
September 12th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
DOB you need to have a talkin’ to Britney Spears. I think I need to see her freak out again. Plus she wrote that new Gimme Gimme More song which gave me a lot more reasons to point at my crotch. You just have a way with people.
Also, do you do all of your own art? It’s excellent work.
September 12th, 2008 at 11:40 am
“Cream Says:
you’re inner asian just came out.
YOUR inner numpty just came out”
If it’s good enough for DOB (see the second word in the second line of the second paragraph under the Commander In Cheese picture,) it’s good enough for this message board (but personally, I don’t think that anyone who is ignorant enough to make that mistake should be allowed to post on the internet.)
September 12th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Great article O’Brien, one of the few here on cracked that made me laugh out loud during a lecture on eukaryotic cell membranes. Classic.
September 12th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Great article Dan, funny. Could you also be responsible for the overnight increase in gas prices where I live? There has been a virtual panic down here and most places are still under $4.00, but a few have jumped to $5.49, with the rest saying by the end of the day they will be comparable.
This is not gouging, at least on the local level, this is coming from the oil distributors themselves, who in turn are getting their instructions from the oil companies.
fucking $5.49, FUCKING $5.49!!!!!!FUCKING $5.49!!!!!!!
If this is your fault, expect a personal visit from me to you in California……………………………..
………………………………….it will not be pleasant.
But if this is not your fault then I loved the line “Chinese people are afraid of Smash Mouth”
I too have a fear of Smash Mouth, though I am not Chinese.
September 12th, 2008 at 11:30 am
another great post, mr. o’brien!
white people sure are funny.
September 12th, 2008 at 11:30 am
the pic of Kanye with Sting and John Mayer said it all man…
That said, I disagree with you COunt Bacqula and DOB, Kayne isn’t ENTIRELY responsible for white dudes dressing up like douchebags. Some of the blame lies on Budwiser/Natty Ice and the stupid shite chicks that sleep with the douchebags (seriously white chicks, STOP IT).
September 12th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Thursday, September the 10th?
Today is Friday, September the 12th.
Yesterday was Thursday, September the 11th.
Wednesday was September the 10th.
…wut?
September 12th, 2008 at 11:03 am
MBS, for fuck’s sake, don’t say “first.” You’re better than that. Jesus Christ.
September 12th, 2008 at 11:02 am
I love stuff white people like! It’s so painfully true. Nice timing on the Dan Quail punchline…nice.
September 12th, 2008 at 11:01 am
white people like boobies.
September 12th, 2008 at 10:53 am
Dan, did you take Shaw to the pancake place when you advised him not to rap about Kobe Bryant eating his ass?
Also, we know you’re not white. Remember? Bucholz spilled the beans about you being an 80-year old Asian woman some time ago. I’m taking notes, and if I see any more continuity errors in these blogs, I’m gonna give you all a stern talking-to.
That means you, too, Jackie O.
September 12th, 2008 at 10:42 am
The person in the ground isn’t giving the metal sign, they’re letting kanye know not to mess with the bull, cause the bull gots the horns.
September 12th, 2008 at 10:34 am
White people be crazy.
September 12th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Actually, Panzer-Stier Ross & Black/White Interpreter, I’m pretty sure those white concert hands were photoshopped from a rock concert onto a Kanye show. Regardless of which signs they are making.
September 12th, 2008 at 10:01 am
I’m not white, I’m actually a husky blue.
September 12th, 2008 at 9:46 am
I think Ross meant the “devil horns”. Although, Ross, I think you may be mistaken… with the thumb out, that actually means “I love you” in American Sign Language. Stupid white folk.
‘nahmean?
September 12th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Yeah, Kanye West is hot to white people beeeecaaaauuuuuse. White CHicks are totally into black guys. and in order for a white dude to get a white chick he better know some rap people. thats it…It is that simple
September 12th, 2008 at 9:39 am
you’re inner asian just came out.
YOUR inner numpty just came out
September 12th, 2008 at 9:38 am
The 666 sign is when the fingers are in the metal ‘devil’ sign with the thumb out and curled over, with the hands spelling out 3 6s.
Check out the third hands back on the picture in front of the stage.
September 12th, 2008 at 9:37 am
“Voicing a cartoon vice president named ‘Dan Quail.’ Do…do you get it?”
No. And it hurts.
September 12th, 2008 at 9:25 am
The Shire….
the Douche bag inspiring wardrobe…
just surpised you didn’t bring up the Be Kanye Now ads.
Pretty funny to me, especially since you met with him on a date that doesn’t exist.
September 12th, 2008 at 9:17 am
” this IS…” I’m not the first person to ask for EDIT functions; get on it, Cracked.
September 12th, 2008 at 9:16 am
Do white people no longer listen to indie and electro? Who’s Kanye West? Well…not my fault Cancun is such a cultural outcast.
So, this tagged under Swaim fucked a dog, and yesterday’s article about Swaim fucking a dog isn’t ?? why?
September 12th, 2008 at 9:01 am
Ross what the hell are you talking about? 666 hand sign? I know how to do a pentagram hand sign but there is no 666 hand sign.
September 12th, 2008 at 8:52 am
PS–I LOVE Kanye West.
September 12th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Does anyone notice something missing from this article?
There were no abs…not even a single ab reference (Unless you count DOB’s thinly-veiled hatred of Michael Phelps, who undoubtedly has abs almost as good as DOB’s, except more publicly dislplayed).
September 12th, 2008 at 8:35 am
kanye and I got reservations at texarkana this past friday…and let me tell you..it was a hoot! we had a nice peanut butter soup, followed up nicely with a smoked quail. we then headed to my apartment overlooking the city to listen to huey lewis and the news. afterwards, i mouth humped to dying hookers while they hung from my ceiling fan by there innards!! HA! what a gas!!
September 12th, 2008 at 8:16 am
Also, why the fuck is someone flicking the ‘666′ at the front row at a fucking Kanye West gig for fuck sake?
September 12th, 2008 at 7:51 am
Oh DOB, now you’ve just opened the floor to more spamming by that stupid thingswhitepeoplehate crap.
September 12th, 2008 at 7:13 am
He’s just making up for NOT acting up at the VMAs or whatever. Also new album on the horizon. White people must be giddy with anticipation!
September 12th, 2008 at 7:11 am
Well DOB, I gotta say, that was as funny as your letter to Will Ferrel, just, with less entertainment value.
Better luck next week.
September 12th, 2008 at 7:11 am
“there’s nothing wrong with being like by white people…”
you’re inner asian just came out.
September 12th, 2008 at 7:07 am
Kanye West doesn’t care about white people!
September 12th, 2008 at 7:05 am
first