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Tainted Love: History's 7 Most Terrifying Romances

#3.
Pope Julius III "Adopts" a Teenage Boy

Innocenzo Ciocchi Del Monte was born in 1532 in Italy, the son of a beggar mother and a deadbeat father. Thankfully the tow-headed urchin was saved from life on the street when Cardinal Giovanni Maria Del Monte adopted him. Now before you applaud the good Cardinal for his good deed, we should inform you that, shockingly, the man had ulterior motives for plucking a good looking, eager-to-please 14-year old boy off the streets. Yes, those kind of motives.

While God apparently wasn't paying attention, Cardinal Giovanni Maria Del Monte managed to get himself elected Pope in 1550. The newly minted Pope Julius III immediately made Innocenzo a Cardinal then quickly elevated him to the Vatican's top office and everyone involved knew exactly why.


"Uhh...You guys think he might be a little young and unqualified for, you know...the Vatican?

The joke at the time was that Innocenzo was promoted for being the keeper of the Pope's "monkey" (proving dick jokes have the blessing of the Catholic Church). Julius would defend himself claiming he and Innocenzo were simply sleeping together in an innocent, non-sexual way like a father would with a child. So yeah, the Michael Jackson defense was being used as far back as the 1550s. By the Pope.

#2.
Caligula and His Horse

Yup, another Roman Emperor made the list. We told you some messed up shit was going on underneath those imperial togas.

Roman Emperor, tyrant, lunatic, subject of the most expensive porno of all time and er, equestrian enthusiast; you could apply many labels to Caligula, none of them flattering (well except for the porno thing).

Caligula was of course famous for his sexual deviance, but that's nothing unique. It was pretty much a Roman tradition for Emperors to stick their dong in anything that moved (and a few things that didn't). No, where things went from merely pervy to crazy with Caligula was in his relationship with his prize horse Incatitus.


Pictured: Statue of Caligula and Incatitus.
Not Pictured: Caligula's pants.

Caligula loved his horse dearly. Are we saying he "loved" his horse, as in, with his penis? History does not explicitly say. What history does say is that Caligula built it a marble stable, ivory manger, and adorned it with jewels. He had it attend glamorous banquets and dinner parties (where we imagine it drolly discussed pressing matters of the day, muffled by one of those feed bags).

It's been said he even appointed his horse to the position of senator and head priest, which admittedly couldn't help but make Church a lot more entertaining. When it came time to produce an heir, Caligula supposedly was torn between marrying Incatitus or, you know, somebody human (clearly whoever gave Caligula the birds and the bees talk was hitting the opium pipe pretty hard beforehand).

Sadly Caligula eventually chose the human option over Incatitus, finally coming to terms with the anatomical difficulties involved with humping a horse. With cruel biology keeping them apart Caligula reverted to the only thing he had much interest in other than screwing; killing stuff. Incatitus was taken out behind the marble stable and beheaded in an ending we'd call sad if we didn't suspect that Incatitus was looking for a way out of the whole creep-fest by then.

#1.
Count Carl Von Cosel and His Dead Wife

A German immigrant and doctor, Count Carl Von Cosel became obsessed with 20-year-old Cuban tuberculosis patient Elena Hoyos. Intent on saving her, Von Cosel subjected Hoyos to numerous cures of his own invention, but sadly brain frying electric shocks did little to cure her lungs (go figure). Despite his efforts she passed away and Von Cosel not only paid for her funeral but a lavish mausoleum. Gee, wasn't that nice of him?

Problem was, to the Count the mausoleum wasn't so much an eternal resting place for Hoyos as a secluded love shack where their romance could bloom. For two years Von Cosel spent almost every night inside the mausoleum, before apparently deciding it was time to take the relationship to the next level and have Elena move in with him.

In the dead of night Von Cosel stole her body from the cemetery, dragged the corpse to his house on the back of a toy wagon and reconstructed his beloved with wire coat hangers, wax and plaster. Oh, and what a job he did.


Believe it or not, Elena Hoyos isn't alive in one of these pictures. All we see is sexy.

Von Cosel would live with Hoyos for seven years, keeping the body in his bed (where we certainly hope nothing untoward happened; they were unmarried after all).

Elena's sister finally began to suspect something was up (perhaps after noticing the door to his sister's mausoleum hanging open for seven years straight) and the Count was arrested. He got off Scott free though as the statute of limitations on his crime had expired, plus we imagine neither the judge or jury wanted to spend any time in the same room with the dude.

The body was put on public display, attracting nearly 7000 gawkers (proving folks back then were all about class) and eventually buried in a secret unmarked grave just in case ol' Carl started jonesing for some mummified tail.

As for the Count himself he became a minor celebrity, created a life-sized effigy of Hoyos and made money inviting tourists into his home (again, class). Von Cosel would even write an autobiography, which appeared in respected literary publication "Fantastic Adventures."

Fantastic indeed.


Nathan Birch also writes fantastic adventure filled webcomic Zoology.

If you're tired of reading about depraved sexual acts watch a video chock full of them in What I Do to Unwind After Sex (SFW). And now that he's made you hate love, Nathan will gladly make you hate children too with 8 Child Prodigies So Amazing They'll Ruin Your Day.

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