It's not that all Christians are crazy, it's just that the religion seems to give certain types of crazy people a chance to shine. These are the ones who can't worry about the homeless because they're too busy doing things like decoding secret gay propaganda in cartoons.
Here are some of the more baffling things these messengers from the Lord want us to be wary of:
#7. Starbucks Labels
Proving not all tiny, pointless special interest groups are devoid of charm, a Christian group called "The Resistance" decided to protest the new logo at Starbucks by referring to the coffee chain by the hilarious nickname "Slutbucks," which kind of sounds like coupons for a strip club.
The story is that Starbucks cranked out a new logo, it's the one up there that has a topless mermaid that looks kind of like Helen Hunt, with her legs spread (which we realize makes no sense since it's a fish tail, but apparently no one at Starbucks majored in art or mythology) and this enraged The Resistance, who may or may not actually just be one insane man (Mark Dice) and his website.
Because Slutbucks is clearly such a blasphemous monster of an organizations, however, they've also been protested by Concerned Women for America, a group that feels one of the random quotes on the side of a Starbucks coffee cup is pretty much Satan in memorable quote form.
The above quote (about an author's own experiences repressing his sexuality) is apparently Starbucks' way of furthering the homosexual agenda. That's where it starts, in coffee houses. Then it expands into fast food, the Post Office, and finally the White House until the day we're all required to punch into work in the morning not with a pass key or by logging onto a computer, but with 15 straight minutes of sodomy.
Thank you, Concerned Women for America, for finally drawing the line.
#6. Chocolate Sculptures of Himself
If someone were to make a giant chocolate statue of your naked body, you'd probably be flattered, and maybe a little weirded out. Jesus, on the other hand, was just plain furious. According to Catholics, who enjoy chocolate bunnies at Easter, He has no tolerance for chocolate, naked statues at any time of year. A New York art exhibit cleverly titled "My Sweet Jesus" featured a 200lb milk chocolate Jesus on the cross, sans loincloth and showing off all his sacred bits in their chocolatey glory.
Much like with the film the Last Temptation of Christ, the idea of a nudie savior just doesn't go over well with some folks. The head of the Catholic League called it "one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever," which is not an understatement at all, as long as you ignore everything else bad that has happened anywhere in the world over the last two thousand years.
Being loving and pious folks intent on expressing how their sensibilities were offended in a calm and mature fashion, the local Christian populace deluged the art gallery with angry phone calls and death threats. The result was the gallery canceling the exhibit and the creative director resigning his position in protest.
But on the upside for offended Christians, they were able to go about the rest of their lives content with the knowledge that nudity doesn't exist, at least not in a public, milk chocolate way. We believe the artist, despondent over the events, retired to his apartment and ate the entire statue over the course of a long, lonely weekend.
You may or may not be aware of this, but Spongebob Squarepants is apparently as queer as a three dollar bill jammed in Richard Simmons' thong. And while that's all fine and good as long as aquatic, animated poriferans keep their sexuality behind closed doors, once they start making pro-homosexual videos, certain groups aren't going to stand for it.
Both Focus on the Family and the American Family Association complained about a Spongebob video that was delivered to schools in which Spongebob has the balls to try to teach children to be accepting of others. Now you know Jesus isn't going to stand for that shit.
Even though the video never actually mentions homosexuality, on the website for the video's producers they include a pledge of tolerance for all races, cultures, beliefs and, yes, sexual orientations. Just like Hitler. Or the opposite of Hitler. Whatever, fuck that cartoon sponge!
The brain trust at Focus on the Family felt that the video was "an insidious means by which the organization is manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids." The video does feature Spongebob dancing to We Are Family by Sister Sledge and probably few things in the world are apt to suck a child into a fugue-like state of dementia and suggestibility. So we kind of see what they were afraid of.
#4. Dr. Who
Probably all of us have secretly known Dr. Who was up to no good. What the hell is a Tardis machine anyway? Why do the English have phone booths that apparently travel through time? What was with that fancy scarf he wore in the original series and where'd they get off replacing the actor who played the doctor like five times? Crazy Brits.
To make Dr. Who slightly more insane, there was an episode, co-starring Kylie Minogue, in which the doctor has to save the Titanic, which is now a space ship, from a meteor accident. And somewhere in all that, he sort of parallels a Christ figure.
While it sounds perfectly protestable on grounds of stupidity, it was actually protested by the group Christian Voice because they thought it was tasteless to compare the time-traveling doctor to the messiah.
Why protesters chose Dr. Who as opposed to Neo, Luke Skywalker, Superman or every other sci-fi character that has been loosely based on Christ is anyone's guess, but we assume it has something to do with Daleks.