7 College Scholarships That Require Absolutely No Talent

#3. The Gertrude J Deppen Scholarship

Do you practice good, old-fashioned morals? Are you often mocked because you won't indulge in a sinful lifestyle of excess and fun? Are you incredibly lazy? Do you have a vagina? Then the Gertrude J. Deppen scholarship is for you!

How Can You Get It?

This one was established for applicants "who are not habitual users of tobacco, intoxicating liquor, and narcotics, and who do not participate in strenuous athletic contests." So that means if you don't do drugs, don't smoke, and don't move, you can be rolling your rascal scooter through the doors of a prestigious college near you.

Again, we're not sure exactly how they verify that you abstain from "strenuous athletic contests" (we assume golf is okay) since we assume it's easier to fake not having game than having it. We'd assume they just pick the really fat contestants, but having a scholarship just for fat people would be crazy, right?

#2. The New England Chapter of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance Scholarship

Well, crazy or not, here is The New England Chapter of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance scholarship.

Here we truly have a scholarship for the internet age (or Americans in general, we guess). It's for all of you who can't get the Gertrude J Deppen scholarship because you're either A. a male, or B. A cigarette smoking, drug using, tobacco chewing, liquor-drinking fat cowboy.

How Can You Get It?

Well, if you are one of the above things, but still a fatty, this scholarship offers an annual scholarship of $500 to a "fat" high school senior currently attending school in the New England area, who advances the understanding of fat people everywhere.

We're not sure exactly how a fat high school kid is supposed to advance Fat Acceptance all by himself, but we assume it involves being a cool fat guy who still gets lots of chicks, like Tony Soprano, and not one of those self-deprecating slob types like the guy from King of Queens.

#1. The Klingon Language Institute Kor Memorial Scholarship Scholarship

Really, are there no limits to the benefits of learning Klingon? Just think of watching your Star Trek DVD's and understanding the Klingon's dialogue without having to glance down at the subtitles. Imagine impressing dates by ordering in the native language when you go out to eat at Klingon restaurants.

And now, on top of all of the countless life advantages a knowledge of Klingon will gain you, there is The Kor Memorial Scholarship from the Klingon Language Institute.

How Can You Get It?

Candidates should have a knowledge of Klingon or other "constructed" languages (meaning made-up languages that are just as difficult to learn as real languages, only without the chance of ever actually winding up in a place where they speak it).

The "Kor" that the Kor Memorial Scholarship is memorializing is of course "Kor, son of Rynar, the last son fo the House of Kor and descendent of the Klingon Imperial Family". According to that link, "He was one of the most influential warriors and respected military leaders of the Klingon Empire during the late 23rd and early 24th centuries."

If you're wondering how we can be memorializing someone who, even in the fictional universe, won't actually die for a few more centuries, then we're pretty sure you've already been disqualified for the scholarship anyway.

Check out some courses perfect for people with no talent in Smash Bros Theory: 6 Absurd Classes Taught at Actual Colleges. Or impress a liberal arts major by learning to make fun of Hollywood's 6 Favorite Offensive Stereotypes.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

290 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!