#2. Papa Doc
Dr. Francois Duvalier was the former President for Life of Haiti, a title which he gave himself because that's the kind of thing you do when you're a crazy dictator. His father was named Duval Duvalier and was a judge while his mother, Ulyssia Abraham, was insane. The only thing missing was exposure to radiation to help him on his way to perfecting his villainy.
In 1957, he was sort of legitimately elected president. Rather than waste time worrying about things like the economy or environment or whatever the hell non-crazy politicians pretend to care about, Duvalier went about reviving the voodoo religion, modeling himself after Baron Samedi, the Voodoo angel of death.
He wore sunglasses all the time, changed the way he spoke and was referred to as Papa Doc. Propaganda produced at the time feature Jesus standing behind a seated Duvalier saying "I have chosen him." Because if there's one thing Jesus loves, it's that crazy voodoo shit.
Because no voodoo dictator super-villain is complete without a scary secret police force, the Tonton Macoute was formed, stealing their name from the Creole word for Boogeyman and making their living through crime. While Papa Doc went about trying to convince people he was the physical embodiment of Haiti, as well as being a Voodoo spirit and the president, the Tonton Macoute wandered the country side pretending to be voodoo demons and killing people with machetes for no reason other than that's what scary ass voodoo demons would probably do.
In his effort to maintain his position as president for life, it's estimated as many as 30,000 people were murdered and many others were kicked the hell out. Apparently his ultimate, diabolical plan was to rule over a completely empty, shitty island. Unfortunately for him, he died before he could see whatever the hell he was working towards come to fruition.
#1. The Iceman
Somewhat less dorky than the X-men's Iceman and far more godawfully frightening, is Richard Kuklinski, former mob hit man and all around badass crazy son of a bitch. Typically, being a hit man is just regular-style-villainous and not in the realm of super-villainy, but the Iceman really went above and beyond for his craft.
The Iceman claimed to have killed over 200 people in his lifetime, with his first victim coming at age 18. Once he hooked up with the mob and the Gambino crime family, he began killing with a variety of methods from gunshots to stabbings to poisonings. He had a bit of a hard-on for cyanide and would inject it, sprinkle it in food, spray it as an aerosol or just dump it on people.
"What is this about? The murders? It's the murders, isn't it?"
And, because that's not quite crazy enough, he also claims to have fed living people to rats and shot a random person in the head with a crossbow just to see if it worked (after all, imagine his embarrassment if the thing failed during a paid job).
While the Iceman is a cool nickname for anyone who kills people for a living, Kuklinski got his from a period in his life when he tried to be clever about disguising his crimes. Forensic science being a pain in the ass for most murderers, Kuklinski decided to throw it a curveball by using a Mister Softee ice cream truck as a spot to house his victims.
He'd freeze their bodies inside and then toss them out later, one at least two years later, so that the freezing would skew the estimated time of death. The plan fell apart on him when he didn't let one of the victims thaw long enough and the coroner found ice in the body. We suppose this is better than the other way ice cream truck murders could get found out, involving a trail of traumatized children chasing the jingle down the street.
The Iceman was eventually caught and imprisoned, and was set to testify against his mob associates. He died in prison before he got the chance, however, just to be an asshole one last time.
To find out how to properly deal with real world super-villains, check out yesterday's look at 6 Great Martial Arts for Killing a Man With Your Bare Hands. Or for some children who will eventually turn to a hilariously misguided life of super-villainy, watch amazing psychic kids (get exploited on TV) in today's Hate by Numbers.