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The 8 Most Obnoxious Internet Commenters

#4.
Hitler's Apprentice

Typical Comment:

"Damn spic, send him back to mexico!"

(NOTE: This is usually posted in a video about Mexicans actually in Mexico.)

Who Are They?

If you need to be told, then you are probably him. He's white, suburban, middle-class, and the only time he's been to the inner city was when Mom and Dad's SUV took a wrong turn in Atlanta because the GPS malfunctioned.

Why We Hate Them:

The internet has done wonders for racism. This guy probably never utters a racist word out in the real world, but once he can hide behind an avatar on the internet... BAM! Mr. KKK the Nazi Loving Aryan Prince rears his ugly head.

If the video or story or photo has a black person in it, this guy will be there unleashing all of the racial epitaphs he's been forced to bottle up while in polite society.

There is also a second tier of these guys who are slightly more educated, in the sense that they have memorized half a dozen highly suspect statistics that support their racism ("Blacks have smaller brains. It's not racist, it's true.") They don't mind that their views on race would have seemed old-fashioned about 40 years ago. They tell themselves they do it for the humor and shock value, which isn't much better since those jokes stopped being funny or shocking about 39 years ago.

Actual Examples:

#3.
The Ninja

Typical Comment:

"your a fag"

Who Are They?

This commenter is in and out in a flash, they will usually only post one comment, no more no less, just enough to get the job done. The ninja will lay in wait while some comment section argument rages. Then, just as everyone has stopped caring whether or not the new Harry Potter trailer looks stupid, the ninja will strike with such grace and precision that it will devastate everyone who stumbles across his comment, forever changing their lives.

Why We Hate Them:

Their style of drive-by insult is the sort of thing you can't get away with in real life, where shit-stirrers can get called out and often beaten. We can only imagine that he is sitting at home rubbing his hands, glowing in his accomplishment as he watches replies pile up for hours under a cheap insult it took him four seconds to type.

He sees himself as the internet equivalent of the Joker, spreading chaos for chaos' sake. He laughs maniacally towards the heavens, before breaking into a coughing fit and reaching for his asthma inhaler.

Actual Examples:

#2.
The Political Activist

Typical Comment:

"How can you guys sit here and watch a video about two girls pooping into a cup when America is being turned into a Fascist police state?"

Who Are They?

These are almost always college kids who, in the last few months, have begun reading about politics. Unfortunately, all of their reading comes from inflammatory blogs and YouTube videos with techno background music and scary titles.

These guys have just now figured out that--gasp--there is corruption in politics, and now they're storming into every comment box they can find with guns blazing, ready to inform the rest of us about how the world really works.

Why We Hate Them:

Aside from the fact that these people have basically no real education on the topic, grossly exaggerate every issue and cling to every single conspiracy theory that comes along, they are by far the most in-your-face of all of the personalities on this list.

We almost wouldn't mind them if they aimed their comments at videos and articles that actually have something to do with politics. But these guys will inject their love for their favorite politician (ie, Ron Paul) under a YouTube video of a toddler on a trampoline. The only thing that makes us feel better is knowing most of them aren't old enough to vote.

Actual Example:


Posted after a video about one guy sucker punching another guy in a McDonalds.

#1.
The Bot

Typical Comment:

"That video was FUNNY!!! For more funny videos visit www.fakesite.com/vn/TrojanHorseVirus.rar"

Who Are They?

"They" are not real, they are usually a computer that searches websites and creates fake accounts to post ads about bullshit websites that are often so riddled with spyware that even the pop-ups are enough to shoot sparks and hunks of melted plastic out of your PC.

Why We Hate Them:

Aside from the obvious (that we wanted funny videos but instead we got shit load of midget porn spam and became the 10,000,001th victim of identity theft) there's the fact that these aren't always computer programs. Often they're employees who spend all day manually signing up to websites to post their spam. Regular Bots may screw up our computer. But the idea of humans that do this for a living is just depressing.

The thing is, it's even worse than the most annoying legitimate advertising, because these spammers don't even intend for you to click the link. They're just pasting in code because it helps their search engine rankings (you rank higher on Google when your URL appears on lots of other sites). That's why instead of some kind of enticing link to a product (which, hell, we might even enjoy, who knows) you often get a jumbled bunch of meaningless code meant purely to fool a search engine.

Actual Examples:

See the below comment section for more examples.

And if you want to see how it all got started, check out The Insane True Story Behind the Birth of the Internet from Those Aren't Muskets.

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