6 Hilarious Old-Timey Versions of Modern Vices The 5 Worst Things About Getting a Job in a Small Town The 6 Most Undeserving Lottery Winners in History

Freedom! The Cracked Round-Up!

Do you know what today is? Today is the 703rd anniversary of the execution of William Wallace, (the dude that Braveheart was about). (We're totally surprised that you didn't know that.) We don't necessarily have any way to tie William Wallace or his battle for Scottish Independence into this round-up, but we figured we'd mention it anyway, mostly because Braveheart, wildly inaccurate though it may be, is a totally kickass movie. So take this weekend to celebrate Braveheart, the movie. Or Scottish independence. Or Mel Gibson. Or whatever. We don't care, just read the articles below.


You've gone a whole week without hating, let Gladstone teach you how to hate again. Now that you've got all this hatred, why not aim it towards something? As a suggestion, Chris Bucholz provides a guide to beating up twenty children, for example. After you finish beating up a bunch of eight year olds, you'll probably feel pretty bad about yourself, but look on the bright side; at least you don't have any of the awful jobs that Swaim found. On a completely unrelated note, DOB makes fun of Roseanne Barr for no reason.



INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE!
7 Eccentric Geniuses Who Were Clearly Just Insane
Balls balls balls balls balls.

Notable Comment: Ruby_Tuesday_83 says "seriously you could have posted some kind of warning about the fucking toe picture." You're right, and we apologize. So, here it is: Warning: There is a gross picture of a toe in last Monday's article. That should take care of that.



PHOTO FO' SHO'!
15 Images You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped
Sorry to disappoint to all of the photoshop enthusiasts out there, but these images are totally real. And, sorry to disappoint everyone else in the who wanted to believe the real world wasn't full of totally retarded bullshit.

Notable Comment: Sickboy says "You have all these amazing pictures of really incredible things and then--lighthouse candy. They made the list cuz they kinda look like dongs. Just couldn't resist a dick joke, could you, Cracked?" Ding ding ding ding! We have a winner! (More like "dong," right? POW! And more like "we have a weiner," right? POW POW!)



USA USA USA!
6 Insane Sports That Could Be in the Next Olympics
We'd like to see that smug Phelps win Rotorsports.

Notable Comment: Colatf says "putting "fucking" in front of a noun doesn't make it funnier. great article though. i sent the link to a skank." Bullshit. Check out your fucking comment with the Cracked treatment. "Putting 'fucking' in front of a fucking noun doesn't make it funnier. Great fucking article though, I sent the link to a fucking skank. Tits." See? Comedy, my friend. Lesson 1: Fucking is always appropriate. (There is only one lesson.)



CLASSHOLES!
Smash Bros Theory: 6 Absurd Classes Taught at Actual Colleges
We're not mad they these classes exist, we're just pissed that no one is offering a seminar on Advanced Cracked Theories.

Notable Comment: rplay28 wonders "Is it smarter to get a general major or go get an associate degree in a field you actually like? I'm trying to decide." Well, that's a difficult question and a lot of variables come into play. First of all, it's important to realize that your degree will very rarely inform what you do for a living, especially an undergrad degree. Now, instinct will say "study what you like;" If you like art, be an art major. If you like underwater basket-weaving, get your tools together and invest in oxygen tanks and be prepared to spend the next four years in a pool. You may regret studying something you don't love. Having said that, if what you want to study isn't likely to get you a job post-graduation, it may end up doing more harm than good, as you'll end up with a very specific degree. It's also important to note that, if you love something, you don't need college to pursue it. If, for example, you're passionate about literature, being a business major won't automatically mean that you're never going to read or write again; if it's your passion, you'll pursue it on your own time regardless of what you study. You'll find a way. ... What? Were you all expecting something funny? The man came to us for help. Shit, we are nothing if not accommodating.



WWAAAAHHHH!
The 6 Most Depressing Happy Endings in Movie History
Boy. We just love ruining shit around here, don't we?

Notable Comment: jpj420 "I really like that ass on the cover of ASS magazine." We also really liked that ass on the cover of ASS magazine. To find that ass, we typed "ass" into the image search of google, and that ass was the ass that popped up, (among other asses of course). It is, indeed, a terrific ass.



YOU YOU YOU!
What The World Would Look Like If the Other Side Won the War
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about: Current Events as Drawn by a Five Year Old.



Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

8.21.08:

I thought the website said that my butt plug would be sent in a discreet package...
by izzyboy

Editor's pick:

Is this one of those 'find five things wrong' photos? Motorola logo is upside down. People are on the wrong side of the barriers. Major intersection has no traffic lights. 'Parade' only has one float. WHAT ELSE???
by phreesh

8.20.08:

THIS..... IS..... FLORIDA!!!!!!!!!!!!
by Slava

Editor's pick:

A head with no body, an old woman with no legs, and a man with no head...There are nicer camping sites, that's all I'm saying.
by Milkman

8.19.08:

"Well, there's your problem..."
by Leaf

Editor's pick:

Timmy told his parents he wasn't leaving the store without a new toy. Your move now muthafuckers!
by ajp1015

8.18.08:

Between the pastry boobs and underwear vending machines, you can basically build yourself an entire woman with pocket change in Japan.
by rickyrodd

Editor's pick:

Little Debbie Does Japan.
by Hydrashok158

8.17.08:

Goodbye Mr. Bond, AHAHAHAH!
by Rickyrodd

Editor's pick:

"Hi, hon! Does your restraining order cover VERTICAL DISTANCES?"
by Doc_Caligari

8.16.08:

Canada's Olympic hopefuls compete in Greco-Roman wrestling
by chrisashby13

Editor's pick:

This is how they choose the Pope
by Loftoll

8.15.08:

Anthrax, The Musical.
by TheSicilian

Editor's pick:

Due to a minor typo, the KKK's "White Powder Rally" was an epic failure.
by guitarfaces

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