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The 7 Most Retarded Ways Celebrities Have Tried to Go Green

#3.
Coldplay Offsets Their Carbon Footprint Via Dead Trees

Celebrities have been getting around the whole "cut back on their lifestyle" thing by instead planting a shitload of trees somewhere in the world, arguing that the thousand or so trees they've planted (well, paid some charity to plant in some third-world farmer's back yard) will completely neutralize their carbon footprint.

Coldplay's Chris Martin, for instance, planted 10,000 mango trees in India to offset whatever emissions were made during the release of A Rush Of Blood To The Head, from their coal-fired guitars or whatever.

So What's the Problem?

It just doesn't work, according to environmental groups. Trees don't lock in carbon for long enough to make a difference. It's not a bad thing to plant trees, but it's not a magical cure for image-conscious celebrities who want to hang onto their private jets.


"I'm a massive tool, all the time."

And about those mango trees Martin had planted? Yeah, they're pretty much all dead.

It Could Have Been Worse...

He could have had the trees flown there by private jet.

#2.
Harrison Ford Waxes His Chest Hair to Save the Rain Forest

Harrison Ford decided to wax his chest to raise awareness of over-logging in the Amazon rainforest, and to make men wince from California to Delhi. The waxing can be seen in this thirty second video that is the centerpiece of the "Lost there, felt here" deforestation campaign which, without looking it up, we believe involves selling human body hair to raise money for the rain forests.

So What's the Problem?

If Harrison Ford turned up at our house, shirtless and with waxing strips stuck to his chest, and then pulled off the strips one by one with girlish shrieks of pain, we'd be unlikely to pay attention to a single word that was coming out of his mouth. It wouldn't matter if he was trying to send a message about deforestation, or that he wanted to give us all of the money in his wallet. We'd be too busy shutting the door in his face, securely bolting it, and checking the rest of the doors and windows to make sure they were fastened securely.

What we're saying is that there are better ways to tell the world about deforestation, Mr. Ford. Show us some pictures or something. Narrate a documentary. Just put your shirt back on.

It Could Have Been Worse...

At least it was his chest hair.

And just to make sure you're imagining Harrison Ford ripping the hair off of his nuts.

#1.
Al Gore Holds Green Concerts, With Artists Flown by Private Jet

In 2007 Al Gore organized a series of large concerts with the idea of informing people about global warming, via the medium of spunky, sassy pop stars singing songs and every now and again sitting around smugly, telling the world how they've installed solar panels or how they power their houses with potatoes or some shit.

So What's the Problem?

How about shifting 150 artists around the world, flying them a total of 222,623 miles (that's not counting the technical staff) and pumping 31,500 ton of carbon emissions into the atmosphere for that day alone?

By comparison, the average American releases twenty tons. A year.


"Guys, check it out, I invented a car that runs on pandas."

It Could Have Been Worse...

We suppose if a band could have somehow used a tour bus, several police cars, a private jet and a helicopter to make a single trip from one venue to another... no, wait, that actually happened.

The band Razorlight did it, then claimed they'd offset the damage by planting some trees later. Hey, it worked for Coldplay.



Read more of David's stuff at The Gentleman's Handbook.



For more evidence that most celebrities are a lot dumber than you think, check out 10 Secret Celebrity Scientologists. Or if you're tired of hating celebrities, watch today's Hate by Numbers and let Gladstone take over for you.

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