Wow. So, I was away from my computer for about four days this week due to a sudden misguided monitor phobia, and didn’t get around to reading the comments on my incendiary Card post until today.
To all of the “slippery slope” folks who claim that allowing gay marriage will instantly result in guys marrying their own children in multiples and then fucking a dog, may I say firstly that your idiotic claim is tantamount to claiming that by licensing people to drive cars, we are dangerously close to a world full of jet pilots and train conductors, and, secondly, would it really be all bad (re: the dog part)?
To everyone else, thanks for the comments, the reads, and the many many links to that essay about why Ender’s Game is actually about how we should feel sorry for Hitler. I still don’t buy it, but whatever; conspiracy theories are fun. That’s why I still maintain John Kennedy was killed by the Bush Administration in order to galvanize the nation against Iraq.
But enough hilarious riffing. Reading the comments on my Monday post made me realize that perhaps I was unfair. Perhaps I was a bit extreme, and presented one side of an argument without providing the opportunity for an opposing viewpoint to be heard.
And so, that no one may ever claim that I am opinionated or “human” in any way, I decided to make fun of something gay today. That way, all the people who thought I was progressive and open-minded can be politely corrected, and the mystery we call Michael Swaim will grow yet another layer deeper.
But what to mock? What’s timely and involves something gay that I hate? No, not cock rings. Cock rings are awesome. They make great gifts, and if you’re looking for a temporary plumbing solution and are all out of 1-3/4” washers, they’ll do in a pinch.
The clear answer is Clay Aiken, the American Idol runner-up we all always knew was gay but felt weird making assumptions about.
Well, he is gay, or at least loathes the female body enough to have his son born through a host mother rather than taking the opportunity to leave a lady’s clay achin’, if you catch my nearly unintelligible pun.
Not that this fact alone makes him definitely gay. There are plenty of reasons someone might want to have a baby without having sex:
But as far as Clay is concerned, I’m going to narrow it down to one of the last two. And to keep from waking up shrieking every night, I’m going to further narrow it down to the one that has him anally probing for pleasure rather than to extract information about “the fleshopoids.”
So welcome to the world, Parker Foster Aiken, son of Clay and “dear friend” Jaymes Foster. Your father sings like a woman, is roughly the width of yarn, styles his hair to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and loves the hell out of some musical theatre.
If you’re not gay by age fourteen, the Nature vs. Nurture debate has officially been settled.
ADDENDUM: Better journalists than myself have apparently spent a lot more time examining the minutiae of Clay Aiken’s sex life, and uncovered compelling evidence pointing towards Clay’s “dear friend” being 50, and maybe even Clay not being the father. Also they coined the term “Clayby,” which puts me right back on top of the journalistic integrity pile.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael is a walking contradiction, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- If You Wanna Make An Omelette, You Gotta Let Some Kids Get Molested - November 13th, 2008
- CNN Ushers In Era Of Incisive Reportage With New Holograms - November 12th, 2008
- The 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming - November 7th, 2008
- If McCain's Concession Speech Was As Bitter As His Campaign - November 6th, 2008
- Class War! A Handy Guide - October 30th, 2008
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:00 am
[...] we reason, human rights violations in China require attention, but you know what’s more pressing? Gay babies. Sure, the World Cup is a cherished event viewed by billions of people around the globe, but you [...]
August 21st, 2008 at 6:29 pm
Sorry, yeah, my gallantry is legendary.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:03 am
You took the high road, glendoor42. My ability to quip has been compromised. Curse your gallantry!
August 20th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
after he had them on the dog.
August 20th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Before or after the dog, Glendoor?
August 20th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Swaim, does your girlfriend know you put her panties on that dog? I hope you washed them.
August 20th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Someone’s jealous, na-na-NA-na-na….
August 20th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Geez, Pappi, J-… You totally missed an opportunity to squeeze in the ol’ you got MALE pun. Where’s your head at, man? Are you going ga-ga for the Tulip Sniper, or what?
Sniper, no sniping!
Sniper, no sniping!
August 20th, 2008 at 6:13 am
If Lenin had more oral sex he would have been a capitalist. Anyhoo, you have mail.
August 19th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
A first time that DOESN’T involve a Cypress Hill/Biohazard mixtape? Count me in!
(A first for me; I see you have some previous experience. I like that. It means you know what you’re doin’.)
Acceptance, oral sex and watchable television programming. Why didn’t I think of these before I got my “peace, land and bread” tattoo???
August 19th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
It’s post number 124.
August 19th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Tulip, perhaps you would enjoy being on my friends list. We could exchange tips on hair and makeup, and corpse dissection. I’ll go post a comment on the 15 images/photoshopped thing; if you make a request I’ll accept you. Isn’t acceptance all we ever really look for when it comes down to it? Acceptance, oral sex and watchable television programming?
August 18th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Yep, he’s gay. Even us on the gay side are claiming him. And trust me, we’re usually loathe to claim someone we consider… less than acceptable… but we just couldn’t ignore the humongous response our collective gaydar gave the first time his face appeared on American Idol.
That being said, my opinion on his kid… probably going to be gay. But not because it’s being raised by the gayest people on this side of the equator… because no self-respecting gay person goes to a 100% hetero chick for their DIY baby. (Same in reverse for we lesbians… no man on my list of potential sperm donors is 100% straight. Not a one.) Don’t ask me why, its one of the mysteries of the community (others include assless chaps, flannel, mullets, and showgirl drag queens). And the genes… well, they’re stacked so high against this kid being hetero its almost funny. Trust me on this one, he’ll be playing Annie in his junior high’s production of Little Orphan Annie in no time.
And the more accepting gay folks out there will totally be in the audience with video cameras. And the rest will be at home, in the fetal position, silently crying about the title of “gayest person in America” finally being taken away from Harvey Firestein.
I get long-winded about the gays. I know.
August 18th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Well I’m definitely enjoying our exchange, Dr. J-. Perhaps even more so now, knowing that you are simultaneously surfing Cracked and spoon-feeding your mean lasagna to scantily-clad concubines.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Clay is as gay as Christmas morning at Ellen’s house . . . I don’t understand the appeal. Not because of his sexuality, but more because of his complete and utter awkward appearance.
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/showpage.php?showid=5
August 18th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Now why the hell did it go back to my old screen name? Odd. Anyhoo, Jonathan and I are one and the same. Though I feel my in-person pimptasticism comes through the screen better as Pappi, but DRJ will do fine.
August 18th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
You certainly may, Miss Sniper; though being white I’m unable to dunk like the good Dr. and I imagine my penis is smaller. However, I make a mean lasagna.
August 17th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Cestall, I didn’t get one laugh from your message at all. So while you may like to think you are an expert in humour, stfu because you are not.
Swaim, I am going to look for you on Facebook, I’d like you and your kind chin to be my friends.
August 17th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Might I add one more thing to your list?
- He is Asexual.
August 17th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Dr. J- (may I call you Dr. J-?), absolutely. To both questions. Although I have yet to attempt Xena’s patented shriek outside of the bedroom. I win a lot of ebay auctions in there.
I can’t tie him up, Tshp. He’s free-range. But I admire your moxie, sir.
Horror movie protocol dictates that all those partaking in this dissection will likely suffer a belly full of Aiken’s womb worms. Think it over carefully, Orangemtl. I can’t bear to make orphans of your children and/or impoverish your prominent stable of hookers.
August 17th, 2008 at 7:21 am
This Swaim guy is WAYYYYYYYY to full of himself. You’re trying to hard, dude. Slow down, calm down, and just write. Don’t “try” and be funny, because you fail.
August 17th, 2008 at 7:00 am
gay guys love tits. i only go gay clubbing now because my bf is a paranoid asshole and they like to grope them. my friend kirra has massive ones and theres always a gay man hiding somewhere in her cleavage.
August 17th, 2008 at 6:16 am
Tulip, will his head still be in the helmet? And you have to promise to do that funky ululating yell while kicking, or you can’t be Xena.
Orangemtl, he should be awake and it should start with his larynx.
Goddessofhugs, do you just wrap caution tape around them during sex, then? Booby traps?
August 17th, 2008 at 3:40 am
you know what he’s screaming in his head in that picture of him grabbing that chicks boob…. “EEEWWWWW, EEEWWWWW, ICKY ICKY ICKY!!!! HURRY AND TAKE THE PICTURE SO I CAN GO WASH MY HANDS WITH A CITRUS SEA SALT SCRUB AND PUT SOME CUCUMBER CRANBERRY LOTION ON!……… Then put something up my butt.” hahahahaha
August 16th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
Tulip: Like the idea of cracking his thorax. Never saw the guy and don’t care if he’s gay, as I detest all celebrity-of-the-minute types equally: but dissecting one sounds fun! Do we have to put him under first? Takes the challenge out of it.
August 16th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
A lot of people rebel against their parents. Everything their parents do irritates the hell out of them, so they put their life’s focus on becoming the exact opposite of what their parents are. If that happens in this instance, we have found the perfect guy to take over the Playboy empire once Hef kicks the bucket. Actually, a replacement for Larry Flynt would be more accurate, because Clay can evidently pretend to like tits, but you know he would yack if he ever saw pussy.
August 16th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Descendfromgrace brings up a good point. Speaking as a girl who frequently has her breasts groped on a regular basis, I only let either my girl friends or guys I know to be gay anywhere near them, let alone to take a picture groping them. I don’t think that there was ever a doubt in my mind that Clay Aiken was gay and not hiding it very well at that.
August 16th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
dude even my mom’s deeply closeted girlfriend decided he was gay after watching about 2 seconds of an interview with him.
August 16th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
@Tulip Sniper: If J Papi is out, I am in, but only if we can tie the retarded kid up. I mean I assumed that was part of the plan, but I want to make sure.
As far as the article goes, I must say that Swaim has yet again impressed me with his journalistic ability. How anyone can write an intersting article about a fact that we all take for granted is beyond me. Truely his powers are awesome.
August 16th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Hey, where are the outraged crazy comments from the previous card post? Did y’all go on vacation? Look, we are ogling dogs! And Clay’s baby is going to be the gayest thing since gay went to gaytown!
August 16th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
[clayaikencontamination]
August 16th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
I think the lady is grabbin herself for the picture, becaus ethey figure noone owuld know the differnce between clay aiken and a woman….but the poor baby he should be placed into protetive cusotdy to prevent aikenanantamation
August 16th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Being enamoured of tits doesn’t make you straight, half they gay guys I’ve ever talked to LOVE them almost as much as I do. There’s something hypnotic…and beautiful about them that transcends sexuality. So groping a chick while mugging for a camera does not a straight man make.
August 16th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Nevermind. I can’t wait for the celebrated “celebrities” article.
August 16th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
The woman in that picture, I think she’s squeezing her own breasts and Clay is just pointing at her hands. Look at it closely!
August 16th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
We’re playing one mentally-retarded 12-year-old, J-Pappi. And we’re going to kick around his helmet instead of a ball.
My homemade jersey will read, “Xena Warrior Princess”.
You still in?
August 16th, 2008 at 11:32 am
I too am awaiting the promised celebrity pooping themselves article!
August 16th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Wow…really? I had to re-read the news link to actually believe this was true.
I’d always enjoyed playing Devil’s Advocate to those who said he was gay. It was a fun challenge. But this…wow, this is the trump card. I mean, damn. Why would you have a baby and not sex? It’s like buying a delicious Jello Pudding Pop, and then asking someone else to eat it for you and return the stick so you can finish an arts and crafts project. Even if ALL you really want is the end result, why not enjoy the process of getting there?
Unless you hate pudding pops…or in this case, heterosexual sex. He’s totally gay.
August 16th, 2008 at 11:24 am
My guy friend always used to grab the cheerleaders tits in high school… everyone thought he was gay so the girls giggled and let him… he never really was gay. It was hilarious.
August 16th, 2008 at 11:22 am
The boobie groping picture is inaccurate. I have gay friends who do that. There is a part of them deep inside that just enjoys making straight men feel jealous about how the gays can touch boobs in a platonic way. Plus, boobs are just cool.
August 16th, 2008 at 9:50 am
“Jaymes”, eh? Sounds like a ftm transsexual name to me. Are we sure this Jaymes fellow is 100% woman, or is this another one of those pregnant man stories, in which case it will suddenly make a whole lot more sense?
August 16th, 2008 at 8:00 am
Two things:
1) Although I hate women for far more than one of many extremely valid reasons, that doesn’t mean that I’ll forgo having sex with them. Angry, wild, nameless sex. That’s pretty much all that’s left for me to like about them.
2) I pretty much gave up on Orson Scott Card after “Street Magic.” Fucking terrible.
Swaim, keep up the good work, thanks for adding ME as a friend, and make fun of whomever you may wish for all of time, regardless of how controversial it may be–nothing is sacred so long as it gets a laugh (but as this is cracked, I think you may get extra points for the dick jokes).
August 16th, 2008 at 5:31 am
that essay about ender’s game being about how we should feel sorry for hitler was retarded.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:32 am
If you’re totin’ a scalpel, I definitely want to be on your team. I like my thorax just the way it is, beer-bloated and all. And it’s fun to make 12-year olds cry. We’re playing 12 year olds, right?
August 15th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
Ack! His “music”! In my haste to scalpel open his thorax, I had completely forgotten the tedious, pop culture racket in which he dabbles.
You have a grounding effect on me, J-Pappi. I’m picking you first at kickball.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
GOTI:
Im sure the Clayby poops himself, and he is a celibrity.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
so i thought that was hilarious, and i love justified outrage, so the previous was also appreciated, but i had to comment for a completely different reason. zach braff. point a: saw him at a showing of hair at the public theater in central park the other day, and he totally did not check out my friend (who was checking him out, and is probably the hottest girl i have ever met. being a girl, i am allowed to judge members of my own sex, and as she is a bitch, this is not a case of being-pretty-because-she’s-a-good-person thing) even though she was giving him ample opportunity too, and was obviously interested. point b: he was there with an amazingly beautiful english chick and they seemed really into each other.
let you judge.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Y’know, I certainly hate to pimp Gladstone, but his “Caring for your pet Aiken” thing he wrote a while back was pretty fucking funny.
Tulip Sniper, waiting is worse than just the whole larva thing; it’ll allow him to release more “music.”
August 15th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Um, excuse me, where’s the “celebrity pooping themselves” story?
I’m very disappointed in you.
August 15th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
It’s possible the “Clayby” may not end up gay…when he becomes a teenager, he may rebel against the tender love songs, fabulous hair and camp musicals his father adores so much.
August 15th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
“I still value my the few shards of innocence I have left.”
That’s not allowed here. BEGONE!
August 15th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
I refuse to click on a link that says gay babies. I still value my the few shards of innocence I have left.
August 15th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Glendoor…although I’m a chick, even I have to admit that Val has a pretty mouth. And I think we all know that you aren’t interested in just Swaim’s mouth. And I’m going to completely edit myself because I’m a lady.
But I was talking about his butt.
August 15th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
I’m not entirely convinced that Clay Aiken possesses the anatomical equipment necessary for conceiving a child. I speculate that his crotch is a glistening, inadequate lump and that he urinates from his asshole.
Shall we dissect him in the name of science and logic–NOW? Or wait until his reproductive larvae writhe into the mouths of you and everyone you love???
August 15th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
http://www.gay-babies.com !
August 15th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
In every awkward silence, a Gay baby (or Gayby) is born….
…
… Gay Baby!
August 15th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
No, I really don’t want to Val Kilmer hard. Now Swaim well that’s another story, he has a pretty mouth.
August 15th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
kat, every guy wants to do Val Kilmer hard. But not in a gay way. It’s just an accepted fact. But nobody wants to do the Braff…unless you’re Juliette Lewis in “The Other Sister”.
August 15th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
China won’t give their babies to single people, people with deformations, gay people, or mentally ill people. Obviously Clay had no choice.
August 15th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
“Woombie Says:
August 15th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Hey hey heeeey now! Clay Aiken doesn’t look THAT gay…..
I mean if you close one eye and squint the other and hold your breath until you are seeing spots….He looks rather like Chuck Norris’ younger, less manly brother Delish Jones”
Yeah, well if you squint hard enough then Swaim looks kind of like Christian Bale– caucasian, bipedal, has hair, alive. Squinting doesn’t make it so, though. Mr. Aiken is still gay, and Swaim is still not the star of Equilibrium, Batman Begins/The Dark Knight, Terminator, and the homoerotic dreams of thousands of geeks across the internet.
August 15th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
No. The only permissible man-crush is on Christian Bale.
August 15th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
I think there’s a huge debate for the amount of gayness one can hold if you are a guy. Take my friends Brent and Chris. Chris is in love with Zach Braff. He respects his creative genius and sense of humor, thus Chris developed his first man-crush. (Although I could debate Zach Braff’s status as a man.) Brent is in love with Val Kilmer. Brent watches Tombstone at least once a week and quotes Doc Holliday in everyday conversation. He’ll awkwardly bring up how amazing Val Kilmer’s body is in Top Gun and how perfect his lips are in Batman Forever framed by the Batman mask. The difference between Brent and Chris? Brent wants to do Val Kilmer…hard. However…he’s not gay. Makes sense?
August 15th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Ross, Zach Braff is totally not gay. He awkwardly makes out with a hot chick on Scrubs for a few seconds at least every third episode before turning down the sex for a morally impenetrable reason and then pretends to look sad. Hmmm. Ok, maybe he IS a flamer. But the show’s still funny.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I’m with R_I… I used to be against the whole dog raping thing, but with Swaim continually putting up increasingly sexy pictures of mutts, I’m getting all tingly and my resolve is weakening.
I must say, that what Clay has done is Hyper Normal and will definitely, completely and finally put the rumors that he is gay to rest. That is, because this has just about swung that pendulum from Rumor to Fact and then cut the string before it could swing back.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
That dog-thong was freakin’ hot!
August 15th, 2008 at 10:54 am
I think this is totally relevant: http://www.gay-babies.com/
August 15th, 2008 at 10:46 am
One of those queer foriegn melons.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:33 am
So, he’s a melon then?
August 15th, 2008 at 10:22 am
An answer is only a scant fourteen years away! I can hardly wait!
And he’s somewhere in between Montreal-Transvestite and Jack from Will and Grace on the “fruit scale”
Alternatively, in between a mango and a canteloupe.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:20 am
and uncovered compelling evidence pointing towards Clay’s “dear friend” being 50
uhm, so what??? she apparently didn’t lose her firtility yet. unless this is an egg-transplant as well.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Hey hey heeeey now! Clay Aiken doesn’t look THAT gay…..
I mean if you close one eye and squint the other and hold your breath until you are seeing spots….He looks rather like Chuck Norris’ younger, less manly brother Delish Jones
August 15th, 2008 at 10:09 am
Swaim is the highest-comments-record holder now, I never bothered to read past number 300 or so.
As a foreigner, I have to say, what the fuck is this Clay Aitken creature supposed to be? He looks like either a very ambiguous Chinese villain in a 1920s silent film or something that was created in a biological experiment to make ‘normals’ afraid.
Just exactly how gay is he? Is he tranvestite level fruity or Zack Braff camp?
August 15th, 2008 at 10:04 am
I still think that this and your Card essay are attempts to make dog-raping both legal and accepted in society. I can already feel myself accepting the practice as not only normal but awesome. Damn you and your posts about gaiety.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:40 am
meh
August 15th, 2008 at 9:23 am
swaim, you bastard. you never accepted my friend request. dick!
August 15th, 2008 at 9:21 am
for some reason he doesn’t look so gay grabbing a girls tits.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:19 am
This was the weak sauce.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:01 am
Does Clay have Troy McClure’s agent?
August 15th, 2008 at 8:59 am
Huh?! Where did that boob-grabbing picture come from?!?
August 15th, 2008 at 8:57 am
I love how this was his attempt at proving he’s straight yet he did it in the gayest way possible. Because we all know it worked so well when Wacko Jacko did it.
August 15th, 2008 at 8:43 am
Wasn’t it easier if he just adopted an asian kid? I heard China is giving away baby girls like free samples of bagels.
And where in the world is DOB?
Did Google already got him terminated??