A Sexy Cracked Round-Up, with a Bonus Contest!

Sometimes at the Cracked Offices, after we've spent a week making you laugh free of charge with hilarious articles like the ones below, we feel it's time for you to give back to us. You've had it too good for too long, so we're going to make you pay the way people have paid for their insolence for thousands of years: You're going to make stickers for us. That's right, we're running a contest for you folks to design stickers to coerce normal folks into visiting comedy supersite, Cracked.com. The rules are simple: There are no rules. Rule #2: Designs must conform to the size specifications as dictated in the contest thread. Rule #3: Stickers should in some way but not in a negative- ...You know what, there are actually a bunch of rules, and you should really read the thread. So there it is. Make us some stickers. If you're design gets chosen as the winner, we're going to give you $50! If you're the runner up, you'll get $25! It's our little way of saying "We're too lazy to design our own stickers." Get to it!

The Official Cracked Blog!

Remember when Bucholz used to write about the Olympics all the time? Well, he apparently thinks you forgot and hopes to remedy that problem. Meanwhile, Swaim needs your help in stopping an anti-gay uprising brought on by an increasingly crazy science fiction writer. Are the Olympics and Civil Rights too heavy for you? Ross talks about fake asses a lot, to really balance things out and then DOB jokes about anthrax and suicide to bring you right back down.

RIDICKULOUS

8 Everyday Words With X-Rated Origins

Balls balls balls balls balls.

Notable Comment: Slightly_Sane says "boobies." Y'all see that? Slightly_Sane gets us.

AAAHHHH!

The Insane True Stories Behind 6 Cursed Movies

The story about The Omen is so interesting, we'd make a movie about it if we weren't so certain our houses would burn down.

Notable Comment: Proving that this curse is real, steveysteve reports "I watched the Omen and three days later my neighbor's cat got pregnant".

BOOBS!

The 6 Hottest Sex Scenes in the Bible

It's nice to know that God is just as perverted as we are.

Notable Comment: Cfan01 says "The Song of Solomon is a bit more sexual in nature, but people seem to miss the point of the book: sex, once married, is okay with God, and indeed even pleasing to him. God invented sex, humans have just ruined His ideas for it with incest, rape, kinky sex, etc." "Ruined? Bitch, please. The sex that God invented was neat, but by no means complete. We perfected sex.

SUPERDOUCHE!

7 Ways to Become A Really Shitty Superhero

We might actually choose to burn alive in our house if US 1 showed up to save us.

Notable Comment: Necroarkhe says "Needs Aquaman." Probably the only time anyone or anything ever will need Aquaman, but yes, we agree.

SPIES LIKE YOU!

MI-6 to CIA: 5 Top Secret Agencies Who Want to Hire You

Signing up for the CIA is as easy as signing up for the Cracked Forums. This is seriously a huge problem.

Notable Comment: Andrewski says "I know it is lame to make fun of people's spelling, but I also think it is kind of funny to see intelligence spelled incorrectly." See, here's our problem: You say that you know it's lame, but then you go ahead and point it out anyway. How are we ever supposed to trust you with all this crazy flip-flopping you're doing? Get it together, Drewski. (You are very lame.)

YOU YOU YOU!

20 Ideas for Making the Olympics Kick Way More Ass

We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about: Every Day Life in 2008 If A Major War Had Gone The Other Way. Insider tip: A whole bunch of swastikas does not equal "funny."

WINNERS!The Craption Contest!

Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

8.14.08:

Genesis 4:20 "...And God put a quarter in the plastic egg machine and the toy inside was man."
by Porkz

Editor's pick:

Unable to maintain his medical costs, the Bubble Boy's parents tried unsuccessfully to drown him.
by hamlet

8.13.08:

After Q retired, Bond was forced to do a lot of his own modification.
by Wicket

Editor's pick:

Optimus Prime would never admit he had something on the side with a Pinto in the Seventies, but this car was a constant reminder of their one night of passion.
by phreesh

8.12.08: