#3. The Grump Gets Chris Hansened
The Grump, played by Jay Hastings, worked for a minor league baseball team (the Scranton/Wilkes Barr Red Barons). The Grump is a muppet-like green creature who, no matter who's inside, dresses like a pervert: ill-fitting jersey, cheap sneakers, no pants. He also looks suspiciously like Andy Rooney.
Soliciting Sex on the Internet from a police decoy posing as a boy.
Unfortunately for Hastings, spending your evenings doing the Macarena at the ballpark means missing out on crucial episodes of Dateline. After his arrest, it was discovered that Hastings used the Yankees van as his hookup-mobile, much to the chagrin of the Yankees (the Red Barons are Yankees affiliates).
Once arrested, the part-time Grump (The Yankees want to make it very clear that he was not a fully vested Grump) had a whole pile of charges dropped on him from previous encounters, all of them yucky. Hastings was sentenced to 11-27 years in prison.
#2. The Pirate Parrot Deals Blow
The Pirate Parrot has been the mascot for the Pittsburgh Pirates baseball team since 1979, which by sheer coincidence happens to be when cocaine use was reaching its peak both in the USA and in major league baseball.
Cocaine Peddling. OK, so maybe it wasn't a coincidence.
In 1985, several players for the Pirates became implicated in a drug scandal that led to the Pittsburgh Drug Trials. Big names like Keith Hernandez, Lonnie Smith and Tim Raines testified before a grand jury about how rampant coke use had become among players (Hernandez guesstimated that 40% of major league players were on cocaine). Tim Raines testified that he kept a vial of coke in his uniform pocket, making sure to only slide headfirst so he wouldn't break it.
Where did they get all that blow? From a dude in a big, fluffy parrot costume. Kevin Koch, who portrayed the Parrot when the shit went down, admitted to both using cocaine and to relaying the drugs to the team. Koch is rumored to have stashed the cocaine in his oversized beak during the games (we couldn't make that up) which makes us wonder if a strong sneeze would have sent a cloud of the stuff into the crowd.
Koch escaped prosecution by cooperating with the FBI, agreeing to wear a wire which we're assuming he also hid in his beak. And thus the Pirate Parrot, presumably in full parrot costume, got the goods on his drug supplier, who we like to imagine looked and talked exactly like Tony Montana from Scarface.
Koch was stripped of his feathers and was no longer allowed to act as the Pirates' mascot. We're guessing he wasn't going to put that job on his resume anyway.
#1. Rameses Kills His Own Dad
Ramses, of the University of North Carolina Tar Heels, is one of the oldest mascots still in use. When the Bighorn Ram mascot first appeared in 1924, guys were still going to football games wearing Jughead hats and big fur coats, saying "23 skiddoo" and drinking gin out of a bathtub. Eighty years later, the longstanding tradition would take a turn for the bizarre when a kid named Pablo took his place as Rameses, forever changing mascot history.
Patricide. You read that right. Pablo achieved something in common with the most monumental characters of great literature --Oedipus and Lex Luthor-- when he murdered his own father.
The body was found by workers on a farm the two shared in Carrboro, NC. What's extra-shocking is that no one seemed bothered by Pablo taking over at games as Rameses XVIII, even though he was the one who had dispatched the elderly Rameses XVII. He just appeared at the game in the giant blue antlers and the crowd went wild. Anybody who didn't read the news didn't even notice the switch.
Dude, who are we to judge?
What's even more shocking is that Pablo was only eight years old.
Okay, Pablo is an actual Bighorn Ram. Rameses is one of the few live mascots still on the field.
We probably should have mentioned that earlier, but it's too late now. Besides, if we held Ramses to the same standard as human mascots, he'd have been kicked off the team years ago for the whole constantly-pooping-on-the-field thing.
Find out about The 7 Ballsiest Sports Cheats Ever or now that the Olympics are ending, find out about 6 Insane Sports That Could Be in the Next Olympics.