The 5 Most Baffling Sex Scenes in the History of Fanfiction

#2. Indiana Jones Has His Way with Lord Voldemort

The Scenario:

When Tom Riddle (the alter ego of the evil Lord Voldemort from the Harry Potter books) goes looking for an artifact that can grant him immortality, he's going to need a guide. And who better to guide this nubile young man, not just in his quest for the artifact, but also in his quest for self-discovery (read: dong) than Dr. Indiana Jones, everyone's favorite middle-aged whip-wielding archaeologist?

Or so it goes in this heartwarming story. After leading nineteen-year-old Voldemort out into the Egyptian desert, alone, Indy does some shameful things to him, including rubbing his boner on him in his sleep, interrogating him about his sexual preferences, and generally being roguishly good-looking.

But It Really Gets Creepy When...

Indy continually refers to Riddle as "kid," even while pounding him in the ass, and takes Tom's lack of argument as consent:

"You're touching me. That's not considered appropriate behavior," Tom whispered, his bottom lip trembling while his limbs felt frozen.

"Maybe not. But I don't think you're going to stop me." Indiana stroked his hand up Tom's hip, and pulled his shirt from his trousers. Tom's eyes fluttered shut when he felt Indiana's fingers touch the skin of his lower back. But he forced them open again and stared into Indiana's determined eyes.

"I should stop you." Tom knew he should. This was a Muggle. Not to mention a man twice his age. But that didn't bother Tom as much. This was a Muggle, and Tom was a wizard, and this Muggle had no right to lay a hand on the heir of Slytherin.

"Stop me," Indiana said, and made it sound like a dare.

"I fucking dare you."

So now in addition to archaeologist, professor, Nazi hunter, and badass, Dr. Jones can claim the title of "sort-of rapist." Naturally, in the end, Riddle is forced to reveal that he's a wizard, which leads to some awe-inspiringly ridiculous innuendo.

Tom remembered how good he'd felt the previous night, how good Indiana's cock had made him feel. He gave Indiana a lopsided grin. "We could play cards. Or we could discuss music." He got up on his knees and pushed Indiana down on the sand. "Or we could make magic," he whispered, slipping his wand from his pocket.

In fact, it would take an expert to determine where exactly the innuendo stops up there.

Plausibility Factor: 7

As far as Harry Potter-related fuck stories go, this one makes a lot more sense than the whole Lance Bass/Weasley Twins debacle earlier. And we admire that the writer tried to line up the time periods. They both exist in a world of magical artifacts, so they get some extra leeway there.

However, every Harry Potter fan knows that Riddle would be highly unlikely to accept help from Indy, a lame-ass Muggle. Compounded onto that is the fact that we just refuse to imagine Indiana Jones halfway molesting teenagers. We'd never look at Short Round the same way again.

#1. Dr. McKay From Stargate Atlantis Beds a Comic Strip Character Somehow

The Scenario:

Jason Fox from the comic strip Fox Trot is all grown up, and doing things Bill Amend never dreamed of. Gentlemen, get ready to have your minds blown.

See, this is the problem with the Internet: anonymity. Online, you can post multi-chapter porno fantasies about the Sunday comics, then you get to return to your normal life without people realizing they probably need to avoid you.

This tale starts when Jason is hired to work in Atlantis for...some secret project. While trying to find his way around, he stumbles across Rodney McKay, resident snotty 40-year-old genius. McKay, previously straight, is instantly attracted to the now-adult Jason Fox, carefully avoiding the fact that he only exists in two dimensions:

Rodney was all set to give the guy a glare, but it faded away when he got his first real look at him. In point of fact, his mouth went a little slack and there may have been some drool.

After three more chapters of awkward, repetitive rambling in which they've become BFFs, they sit down for a heart-to-heart chat and decide they'd like to do it. It happens in the kind of blunt dialogue exchange that every sexually repressed "friend" dreams of:

"You're my friend, Rodney, probably the best one I've had in a long time. I like talking to you, hanging out with you, and I even like listening to you complain about dumb stuff. And now that you've pointed it out, I think I might like trying sex with you."

The result is about as hot as you'd expect.

But It Really Gets Creepy When...

Here's the description of Jason, from Dr. McKay's point of view:

Yellow blond hair in an untidy mop that was more high school boy than professional academic. Bright blue eyes and thin framed glasses. Incredibly smooth, fair skin that screamed of a complexion blessedly free of acne and other skin problems. A fine-featured face that was more pretty than handsome with a pink-lipped mouth that already seemed heavily kissed.

Yes, that's exactly how we'd describe this guy, if we had to:

Plausibility Factor: 0

The only part of this that makes sense is that Jason probably could grow up to be an astrophysicist working on top-secret projects. That does not however overcome the fact that he exists in a two-dimensional world of primary colors, where all humans have what would be considered gross deformities in our world. Any act of sex between them is unthinkable, therefore we're not going to think about it any longer.

You can read more of Kate's stuff at her blog, Kate and Jimmy Improve Your Life.

Watch Cracked's own far more believable brand of fanfiction in The Schwarzenegger Conspiracy: Deadliest Cover Up Ever.

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