#3. The Whizzer
Whizzer is one of the earliest Marvel characters created and, to prove we're not shitting you, we are simply going to copy and paste his actual origin story, courtesy of Wikipedia:
"The origin of the Golden Age character begins while Robert Frank is on a trip to Africa with his father, Dr. Emil Frank, where Robert is bitten by a cobra. Dr. Frank saves Robert by a transfusion of mongoose blood, and soon discovers that he has developed super-speed."
What Went Wrong?
You need to know right now, or at least before you try to go camping, that blood transfusions are not a cure for cobra bites as far as modern science is concerned. Not even with mongoose blood. Especially not with mongoose blood.
But aside from that, his entire origin story seems like it was created by filling in a mad-libs page.
Robert Frank is on a trip to ________, where he is _______ by a ________. Dr. Frank saves his live by a transfusion of __________.
Seriously, take that to a ten year-old kid and have him fill it in, he'll wind up with a story that makes more sense than theirs. Don't fill it in yourself, you'll just wind up writing in "boobies" four times.
With that out of the way, let's take a closer look at the costume:
No, we are not sure if it's Whizzer talking here, or the cartoon chicken on his helmet. We like to think it's the chicken.
Is there anything going in favor of this guy? Well, no. We're pretty sure that even in the era when the character was written, "whizzer" was slang for "pisser." But we're thinking even a superhero who uses a magical stream of urine to thwart crime would be substantially less retarded than this guy.
#2. The Elongated Man
Ralph Dibny was a regular guy who invented a secret formula that made his body super-elastic. So yeah, he was pretty much a Plastic Man rip-off. So much that his creator admitted he created him only because he was not aware DC comics had actually bought the rights for Plastic Man a few years earlier and there was no need to make up another one.
Wait, it gets sadder.
What Went Wrong?
Young Ralph was a big fan of circus rubber men and wanted nothing more than to be like them. We guess this is like a girl being a very big fan of bearded ladies, in which case testosterone injections might help; but Ralph was not so lucky so he had to research his own way to reach the glamorous world of circus freakdom.
And research he did! Ralph discovered that all the rubber-men in the world drank a soda called Gingold. Yes, all of them; he went around the world and asked them.
So apparently there is this commercial soda being sold around the world that gives elasticity powers and only a few people have noticed that? Apparently Gingold is only drunk by circus freaks and other outcasts of society, like RC cola.
Using the gingold fruit, Ralph managed to make a super concentrated version of the soda and gave himself elasticity powers becoming the Elongated Man we all know and love; or at least know.
No, it isn't.
While The Whizzer's origin story is a dragon-punch right in the balls of science, it at least involves a cobra bite and bleeding that poor mongoose to death, so it's kind of hard core. Elongated Man's story, on the other hand, involves a kid with a sad obsession with freak shows and a beverage badly in need of a recall.
What could possibly be stupider than that? Just wait...
#1. The Black Condor
Thomas Wright was a Senator of the United States; who when not doing whatever the hell it is that Senators do, dressed in the manner of an exotic male prostitute to fight crime and Nazis as the amazing Black Condor. Yes, he was one of the many, many superheroes from around World War II who nobody remembers (or in this case, perhaps repressed the memory).
What Went Wrong?
Do please sit down, because this one is a doozy. Little Richard Grey was born in Mongolia during a scientific expedition his parents were members of. The expedition was attacked by bandits and everyone died except for baby Richard, who was later found and raised by condors. If huge carrion eating birds don't know how to raise a baby, then who does?
Not bad for a bird that doesn't even live in Mongolia, or anywhere near Asia for that matter.
By the way, did we mention that the condors taught him how to fly? Yes, apparently being raised by birds means you can slap aerodynamics in the face. If you were a comic book writer back in those days working for peanuts, you wouldn't give a rat's ass what you put on the page either.
Richard was later found by an old hermit who taught him how to speak and sent him back to America, where Richard found his next conceptual victim: Democracy.
Richard uncovered a plot to assassinate U.S. Senator Thomas Wright. Since Richard only has the power to fly and possibly also the power to eat rotten dead things, he tried to save the guy's life and failed miserably. But every murderous cloud has a silver lining. Richard stole Wright's identity and that's how a barely literate orphan raised by birds and a crazy old man in the desert became a senator.
We understand that during World War II, America needed heroes, and you could say that even completely nonsensical and shitty heroes like the Black Condor were better than nothing. You could say that, but you'd be wrong. We don't think we're stepping out of line here when we say that a world ruled by the Fascists would probably have still been better than a world governed by undercover super-powered feral bird men.
For some more well known origin stories that just don't make any damn sense, check out Marvel Comics vs. Science: 5 of the Most Absurd Superhero Origins or get your comic book movie JD by studying up on 8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow.