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What happens when you take a really skanky sex story and dress it up in a lot of flowery words? You get the Bible. Or large chunks of it, anyway.

Sure, rather than using phrases such as "reverse frog squat," or "slinging manjam," Biblical sex is referenced almost exclusively as "coming in unto" (a phrase still used by porn stars who tend to drop the "in unto"). But once you get past the unimaginative verbs, the Bible has some nasty, nasty stories. Such as:

Lot Has Drunk, Drunk Sex in a Cave. With His Daughters.

Sunday school lessons tend to focus on God turning Lot's wife into a pillar of salt like she's starring in one of Sarah Connor's nightmares from T2. It's the sort of imagery that might distract you from something like flagrant incest. But sure enough, at Genesis 19:30-36:

Something tells us Lot's daughters would lose any drinking game centered around "Never Have I Ever." If you've done it in a cave--and you've done it with your dad--you've probably also done it tangled in Fruit By The Foot or by accident with a vegetable.

"Say, I've got a neat idea."

They were so eager to secure some seamen that they nearly polluted the genetic pool for all who came after them. Or maybe they just thought that a world populated by exponentially degenerative DNA sounded funny. To their credit, maybe that's why we have viral videos today.

To Make it Even Weirder...

Speaking of people who might want to steer clear of drinking games, the Bible seems to blame the whole thing on booze, a strategy you'll recognize from work the morning after karaoke night. The alcohol in this case is wine, which raises the question: how much wine do you have to drink before you became oblivious to the fact that you were having sex with your daughter ... a second time?

Jacob, Two Sisters, And What the Hell, a Handmaid

In Genesis 29: 21-28, Jacob had taken a job where he was to be paid entirely in woman. His boss, Laban, promised his daughter Rachel in exchange for seven years of work. After the seven years, Laban pulled a fast one and swapped in his ugly daughter, Leah, instead:

Unless Leah and Rachel were sisters of the identical "Mary-Kate and Ashley" variety, there is very little reason why Jacob wouldn't realize fairly early in the process that he had the wrong sister. Who knows, maybe they were serving some of Lot's date-rape wine at the party.

The Torah offers further exposition in Megillah 13b: Jacob and Rachel had actually expected Laban to perform the wife-swap and devised a secret signal to reveal that it was really her under the veil (apparently lifting the veil was too obvious a solution).

However, in a last-minute display of womanly wile (what Toran scholars agree is "bitchiness" in modern English), Rachel taught Leah the signal, and she used it to double-double cross Jacob, fucking him in every possible meaning of the word.

After waking up to the presumably hideous Leah, Jacob offered to work another seven years just to get Rachel. This teaches Christians today that the Rachel of Genesis was hotter than the Rachel of Friends. Leah, however, was named after "hidden beauty," or "butterface."

Leah (left) with sister Rachel.

To Make it Even Weirder...

If you read the passage again you'll notice that right in the middle of it is mention of a third woman: Zilpah, Leah's "hand maid." She's right between the verse commencing the night of boning and the verse concluding it. What was she doing there? Watching? Is it our fault that we're picturing that whole scene as just a writhing Chex mix of sex organs?

"And some sheep, too, why not?"

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God Gives You Tips on How to Hold Your Load

Painting by Amy L. Rawson.

If you've ever heard masturbation referred to as "onanism", well, you've got one guy to thank. Onan was apparently one of the pioneers in the art of ejaculating somewhere other than into a sex partner, as we see in Judah 38:8-10:

Onan's the one in the background, walking away to go masturbate behind those rocks.

Now there's something a woman never forgets. You're getting busy with your husband's brother, he splooges on the ground, and promptly gets slain by the LORD. Talk about awkward.

This particular verse was taken slightly out-of-context when it gave birth to "onanism," which refers to both coitus interruptus and masturbation. It's probably just as well that he died, and didn't have to walk around the rest of his life listening to people refer to jerking off as "Doing an Onan."

To Make it Even Weirder...

This story became the basis for Christian arguments against masturbation. The story does not address the counter-argument: what if God has no righteous purpose for your semen that particular day, and you're just bored?

God: Hard on Masturbation.

But more importantly, what about women? They don't have seeds to spill at their whimsy. Yet female masturbation never come up in the thousand or so pages in which he rambles about everything from having almonds in your diet to how he owns an awesome robe. Surely a fair God who loves all his children equally wouldn't allow women to masturbate and not men!

Or we could just point out that if God killed everyone who masturbated, Japan would have ceased to exist sometime in 2005.

I Thought She Was a Prostitute, But She Was My Daughter-in-Law!

Try to find all the things wrong in this passage, from Gen. 38:15-16:

You'd think the Bible would've just edited out all of the misconceptions involving veils, considering how many times people accidentally have sex with the wrong person in this book. Pesky veils, and now our only excuses are ... like ... alcohol, right, Lot?

"Odd. This feels exactly like strangling my daughter-in-law."

Of course us modern westerners probably don't realize the kind of impact a veil can have on a relationship. Our women are free to just walk around with their faces flapping in the wind, heralding their identity to the world. You have to hand it to the countries where women still wear veils: it must be a lot easier to write sitcom episodes that revolve around wacky cases of mistaken identity.

To Make it Even Weirder...

Note that the frisky femme above is the same femme (Tamar) who got to witness Onan being slain by the LORD for coitus interruptus. Getting right back on that horse, Tamar! Only instead of a horse, it's Judah--Onan's dad. Score!

If you don't think that's hot, you've ... never been to a really drunk family reunion where everyone's wearing veils and no one is aware it's a family reunion.

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Solomon Gives Boobies 10 Fingers Up

Solomon's Song, which he creatively titled Song of Solomon, was mostly about boobies. The below references can be seen in 1:13, and 2:6, and 4:5, and 4:16, and 5:4, and 7:7-8 . . . and 8:10... OK, the whole thing was pretty much "Titties, titties, I love titties." Take a look:

Damn. We don't know why this is in the Bible, and we don't care! If Danielle Steele wants to write songs about Solomons and throbbing members and shit, who are we to tell her no? Not Biblical scholars, that's who. If Soloman had stuck around to write the whole Bible, we might've gotten a more ripped Jesus and bodice cleavage so awesome it deserves a cinematic vehicle all its own.

The reference to women with tower-breasts has caused some confusion, though. Since we prefer a literal interpretation, we think Solomon's concubines had breasts that were three stories tall with look-out posts in the cleavage. Either way, the Bible is a bigger supporter of breasts than a push-up bra. If you don't like that, then you can be the one to explain to God why you chose to illustrate every book of the Bible except this one.

To Make it Even Weirder...

Here's a challenge: see if you can envision any possible metaphor for 5:4, "My beloved put his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him".

Gods and Girls

So you'll notice that most of these are from Genesis, the early days of the Bible when apparently mankind was first experimenting with just how creepy and weird sex could get. But probably nothing in the book tops what happens in Genesis 6:4:

Just to be clear, because there is some confusion: we here at Cracked are not doctors. We know a suspicious amount of information about sex, yes, and are pithy like House, but are not technically "doctors."

However, we did take fifth grade science, which probably mentioned Gregor Mendel and his famous pea study. In case you haven't taken fifth grade science, it basically something about how ... when two things ... and then ... something about traits. Like we said, we're not doctors. We do know that the baby of an African person and a Chinese person looks kind of African and kind of Chinese; from this we can infer that the baby of a giant and a woman would look kind of like a HUGE baby.

This did not deter the women of the day, who may have gone along with the whole thing based on a preconception about giants and giant genitalia. We're guessing that didn't last long, as thresholds for pain eventually give way and even if they don't, vaginas do.

And nine months later, surprise! You're giving birth to a veritable six-year-old! Hope you've been having so much giant-sex in the meantime that your vagina is approximately as passable as a Slip N Slide, because that's going to come in handy when Junior runs out of it, already holding a Nerf ball.

To Make it Even Weirder...

This happens right before God causes the famous flood that destroys everything on the earth (except for Noah and everybody on his boat). So of all the perversions mankind has ever invented, it appears the giant sex was the one thing that was just too weird for God, to the point that everyone else had to suffer for it.

Nice going, guys.

For more reasons to stay awake in Church check out 5 Superpowers From the Bible That Put Marvel and DC to Shame or find out about The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses.

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