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11 Baseball Legends Who Were Legendary Assholes

#5.
Ugueth Urbina:

While probably the least well-known person on this list to the casual baseball fan, Urbina was still a solid player, racking up 234 career saves, winning a World Series in 2003, then retiring to his native Venezuela where he sat on a rocking chair on his patio, drinking sweet tea, and committing attempted murder. Yes, attempted murder.

For you see, one day Ugueth had a bit of a scuffle with five farm workers on his property, and well things got a little bit heated. So what was Urbina to do? Why, grab a machete and start chopping some motherfuckers, that's what. While the machete approach proved unfruitful, Urbina was a determined man and he remembered the old adage: If at first you don't succeed (to brutally murder people with a machete) try, try again (by means of attempting to set them on fire).

That's right, the big U (as we imagined he would like to be called) decided to bust out some gasoline and started dousing his enemies. His fleeing, terrified enemies. However, Urbina proved to be better at closing baseball games than murdering people, and the men got away.


"My only regret is that I didn't kill those farm workers."

Fortunately, this story has a happy ending as Urbina is currently serving a 14 year prison sentence, which he clearly deserves.

#4.
Kenesaw Mountain Landis:

You would think a man who had Mountain for a middle name would be pretty badass, but you'd be wrong. Oh, he was ornery for sure, but badass, no dice. Unless you just drank a shot of paint thinner, you'll remember the Charlie Comiskey entry. Well, the man who is responsible for the lifetime ban of every member of the 1919 Chicago White Sox? Commissioner Landis, of course. Even when it became obvious that some of the members were innocent of any wrongdoing, Landis refused to reinstate them. And if you thought that was the worst thing he ever did, you haven't heard his motto: Tough on gambling, tougher on black people.

Landis is probably the main reason the color line stayed in baseball for as long as it did. He was baseball's first commissioner, serving from 1920-1944, and he picked up right where he left off as a judge, when he got black boxer Jack Johnson banned from boxing for life for transferring a white woman over state lines.

Many times people petitioned Landis to allow black players in the major leagues, and every time Landis voted it down, then presumably leaned back in his throne of skulls and drank the blood of kittens. Mercifully, his tyrannical reign came to an end in 1944 the way all tyrant reigns end; with his death.

Less than three years later, Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier and Landis has been spinning in his (hopefully urine-soaked from angry black people pissing all over it) grave ever since. It seems a tragedy for a man with a name so awesome to be such an enormous asshole, but such are the ironies of life.

#3.
Marge Schott:

Schott will live on in baseball infamy because of one phrase, her little pet name for her black players: Million Dollar "N-words". Of course, she didn't have the tact or simple human decency to censor the phrase as such.

Other than on the field however, no black people were allowed to be hired by the organization. Not one. Her racism wasn't saved for just black people, however. She also had it out for the Jews, and she even admitted to owning a Nazi armband, and didn't see a problem with it, and also said she didn't see why the racist slur "Jap" is offensive.

Quick posthumous tip for you, Margie: Want to know why the phrase is offensive? Because Japanese people are offended by it, you horrible, horrible bitch.

Enough offenses for you? No? OK, howsabout this; she wouldn't let her players wear earrings because "only fruits wear earrings." Probably the least egregious thing she ever did in her life was let her St. Bernard, Schotzie, run around on the field all it damn well pleased, which of course led to big steaming piles of dog shit being left on the field.

Seriously, Reds players often complained about having to avoid stepping in dog shit while playing in professional baseball games. When one of the nicer things you ever did in your life was make your players play on a dog shit-laden field, you truly deserve the title of one of the biggest assholes in baseball history.

#2.
Barry Bonds:

You knew he'd show up here eventually.

The breaking of an all-time record is usually a joyous thing. It makes grown men cry, women swoon, and dogs hump trees like there is no tomorrow. So what happened when Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron's all-time home run record, perhaps the most hollowed record in ALL of sports, not just baseball? A lot of people got pissed. That's how much Barry Bonds is hated.

There are two universal truths people know about Barry Bonds; One, he is the face of the steroids era and two, he is a huge dick to pretty much everybody. Barry is known to be one of the worst teammates possible and openly hostile with the media. In college, he feuded with teammates and his manager. In Pittsburgh, he feuded with teammates and his manager. In San Francisco he was given essentially half the locker room to himself and big comfy recliner chairs out of the hope he wouldn't bitch.

When Bonds is not enjoying being a totally arrogant dick to teammates and reporters, he likes to spend his down time with his family. Or his mistress, Kimberly Bell, whom he had an affair with from 1994 until 2003, which means it started about the time he divorced his first wife, left him undeterred from getting married in 1998, and kept on keeping on. In Barry's defense though, at least he was nice enough to buy her a house in Arizona. So he had a place to bang her.

Now, you may be asking, "Well this is all fine and dandy, but do you have any crazy anecdotes that make Bonds seem incredibly immature to the point of pyschosis?" To which we retort, do we ever!

In the 2001 off season, Gary Sheffield decided to take up Barry on an offer to work out with him, particularly because Barry told Sheffield he had a regimen that would help save him from injuries. Hard work and vitamins? No you silly goose, he was talking about steroids, giving cute little nick names like "the cream", "the clear", and "red beans".

However, the fun was just beginning. Apparently, Bonds insisted Gary not bring his own car. Then, after he arrived, Bonds would intentionally leave Sheffield stranded at the house. No big deal, right? Probably just a misunderstanding. Gary just rented a car.

Bonds was furious. Why? Don't ask us, we're not fucking crazy. But for whatever reason, Sheffield having gained a means of transportation caused Bonds to flip out, and he locked Sheffield out of the house. We're not completely sure what Bonds was planning for their stay together, but the apparent plot to imprison an all-star baseball player in his home makes us picture something from the movie Misery.

#1.
Ty Cobb:

What's there about this man that wasn't detestable? During his career he stole a lot of bases, which is impressive. Of course, the fact that he sharpened his metal cleats and was not shy about gouging them into a man's leg if they got in his way of stealing a base probably helped out a tad on that front.

Then of course, there was the racism, which to be fair was no more virulent than your average southern folk back in the day, and certainly we have let the repulsively racist actions of those in the past slide in favor of other attributes on the occasion in the country (see Jefferson, Thomas). Plus, there is a distinct chance he fixed a game or two in his day.

But what makes this racist douchebag stand out amongst the rest of the racist douchebags who used to plague the sport? How many of them can claim they once violently beat up a man with no hands? None of them, we imagine. That's right, you read that correctly and we'll say it again for emphasis: Ty Cobb once beat up a man with no hands.


Above: The eyes of a madman.

Said man, named Claude Lueker who had lost one hand and three fingers of his other in an industrial accident was giving Cobb a hard time from the stands. If you've ever been to a professional sports event, you have heard some drunk moron yelling things so heinous you begin to wonder if you are even the same species. However, to the players' credit, they manage to keep their cool. Mr. Lueker then accused Mama Cobb of being *gasp* half-black. This was enough to send Cobb into the stands ready to kick some severely handicapped ass.

As onlookers begged him to stop pummeling a man with no hands, Cobb retorted, "I don't care if he has no feet" which proved Cobb had a quick wit to go along with a soul as black as coal. Needless to say, Cobb was suspended by baseball. Inexplicably, his teammates refused to play another game until Cobb was reinstated. We guess it's not too unreasonable. Sure, he was a miserable, racist bastard who had beaten up a man with no hands, but he was their miserable, racist bastard who had beaten up a man with no hands.



For some folks with balls that manage to make Jose Canseco's look even smaller than they probably are, check out The 7 Ballsiest Sports Cheats. Or find out about the sporting event of the century in Dan O'Brien's post: Unknown Blogger To Challenge Google to Death Race.
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