A Slightly Depressing Round-Up

We've got a fun week's worth of fun articles for you! Fun! Articles about death, articles about people who disappeared, another article about death and an article about people who ruined sex! Well, actually this has been a pretty morbid week. Jesus. Even the blog seems extra whiny this week. Just try to enjoy the articles below and we'll try to go back to talking about video games by this time next week.

EAT SHIT, DEATH!

7 People Who Cheated Death (Then Kicked it in the Balls) There's beating a heart seizure, and there's beating the shit out of a heart attack. Which one do you think made this list?

Notable Comment: Karen whines "Wow,this article really makes me feel like a sissy cuz I have a cold and I've been whining about it all day.I can barely handle the pain of a papercut,much less hacking off my damn arm." Aw, Karen, it's not the article that's making you feel like a sissy, it's you. It's always been you, the whole time. (You are a giant sissy.)

BOOBS!

5 Sex Experts Who Made the World a Worse Place (To Do It) You know, it's incredibly difficult to ruin sex. We'd hand it to the people on this list, if we didn't hate them so much.

Notable Comment: Onodera pleads "Let's not have a circumcision discussion here..." And then do you know what happened? A circumcision discussion totally happened. Happened right all up in our shit and everything. Even though Onodera begged, and even though nothing in the article screamed "Talk about circumcision IMMEDIATELY," you crazy bastards did it anyway.

GROSS!

The 6 Most Terrifying Items People Actually Collect Stamps. Stamps are nice. Coins, too. Nothing weird about coins. Why would you need statues of dicks? Why? Why?!

Notable Comment: Rosie wonders "Hey! I'm one of the peeps who collects crap about serial killers!....but i'm still normal right?" Thanks for asking! No.

HIDE AND SEEK!

6 People Who Just Fucking Disappeared If you're reading this, people on this list, Cracked will give you $6 if you come out of your hiding place. 6.

Notable Comment: Kilvas says "Amelia didn't dissapear, she just hasn't finished her trip yet. Her plane is really shitty." Typical women drivers. Zing! Zing around the rosie!

AAAAHHHHHH!

5 Creepiest Death Rituals From Around the World Why don't you just fucking bury it?

Notable Comment: Bearman says "I want my ashes brewed into a batch of barley wine made in my brewkettle and aged for ten years after my death before anyone drinks it." I think we can guarantee it'll be aged for a little bit longer than 10 years, there, guy.

YOU YOU YOU!

20 Features the Next iPhone Should Totally Have We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about: Website Warning Labels

7.24.08:

Warning... do not keep mentos in your car when parked that close to a Coca-cola truck!!!!
by Leaf

Editor's pick:

Buk-car-ke.
by mellowd

7.23.08:

Slowly, Ed casually dipped his hand into his backpack filled with crap. His revenge for yesterday's feces-throwing incident would be unexpected, and devastatingly complete.
by GeeGee

Editor's pick:

"Okay, here's some change, but you better not spend it on booze."
by geniuswaitress

7.22.08:

Lincoln Logs Ahead: The Musical
by supergrover

Editor's pick:

Now that Lance has retired, Clint Howard can begin to dominate the Tour de France.
by Gatt

7.21.08:

"Well, just don't open the glove compar..."
by Mr_K_Twig

Editor's pick:

Wait, I think I see the problem.
by Jeepster

7.20.08:

Warning...Lincoln Logs ahead!
by grantsean

Editor's pick:

In case of crash, please try to land on one of our conveniently placed floating marshmallows
by tim23891

7.19.08:

This photo should really come with a spoiler alert. I haven't seen Dark Knight yet.
by Wicket

Editor's pick:

"... and this green bracelet means i support cancer research. The rest of the outfit just matches it"
by griztron

7.18.08:

"Our next eligible bachelor is 3'6", 84 lbs,, works in the aerospace industry, enjoys romantic, candlelit dinners, and gives a mean anal probe. What do I hear as an opening bid, ladies?"
by GeeGee

Editor's pick:

Finally a real Miss Universe competition.
by Nimby