#3. Hawkeye, AKA Clint Barton
Barbara Morse, AKA Mockingbird
Hawkeye has the typical cachet of better-than-usual abilities. He's an expert hand-to-hand fighter, accomplished gymnast, all of which we're assuming lets him perform admirably in the bedroom. If a cut-rate Captain America without the jingoistic overtones gets your motor running, look no further than Clint Barton.
"The High, Hard Shaft" and Other Titles That Marvel Editorial Overlooked
As hard as it is to be married to any superhero, it has to be harder to be married to a gimmicky B-lister. You have to imagine that as Mrs. Hawkeye you'd constantly be trying to boost his spirits with such encouragements as:
"I'm sure next time we fight Doctor Doom you'll get to do something before Iron Man carpet-bombs the area."
"You know, you'll be technologically relevant if we get sent back to the 16 century! It could happen!"
You wind up living with a man who has a crippling inferiority complex, often making weak attempts at justifying the whole 'bow and arrow' thing. For instance:
"Are you sure? 'Cause we could just untie--"
"NO IT MUST BE WITH ARROWS."
Pop quiz, fellas: Your wife confesses to you that she was raped, and that she allowed the rapist to die after fighting him. Do you:
A) Wholeheartedly support her actions, only regretting that you weren't there to kill the man yourself.
B) Tell her that all that matters is that she's OK now.
C) Freak out, refuse to believe her, and take the side of the rapist.
If you picked an answer other than C, congratulations! You're not Hawkeye.
Yes, all of that happened to Mockingbird (the rapist was Phantom Cowboy, it's a long story). Mockingbird eventually tells Hawkeye of the events, and we are treated to this bewildering exchange:
By the way, as you can guess by the villain's name, he's a phantom. He doesn't actually die, he just inhabits another body, so basically his "death" was a mild inconvenience for him. Yet, Hawkeye takes his side. "Psychotic Phantasmal Bros Before Hos, Am I Right, Fellas!"
#2. Yellowjacket, AKA Goliath, AKA Giant-Man, AKA Ant-Man, AKA Henry "Hank" Pym
As you can probably tell from the many different names, Henry Pym is constantly finding new ways to make his 'growing and shrinking' superpower seem fresh, displaying a certain creative flair. He's also a whole hell of a lot buffer than you'd expect your typical super-scientist to be.
Not to put too fine a point on, but Henry Pym's kind of an asshole, and an incredibly sketchy one at that. If he isn't feeling insecure about his abilities ("I'm just not big enough!"), he's building robots who eventually go insane and murder billions galaxy-wide.
"Stay out of the garage, honey. I'm working on something."
Oh, yeah. That's Pym giving his wife a good superhero smacking. According to the writers, WHAK is the sound it made.
That happened while Pym was facing an Avengers court martial for being a crazy jackass. This would have effectively branded him a supervillain and given Thor, Iron Man, and Captain America full license to tap dance on his skull. Pym, thinking long and hard, decided that the best way to convince his friends that he wasn't a threat was to ... build a killer robot to attack the court martial hearing. Wait, what?
OK, so his plan was to defeat the robot by himself, thus convincing the assembly that he was still a hero. The Wasp overhears Pym's deranged mutterings and plays Devil's Advocate, suggesting that sending a giant robot to attack your super-friends is, um, kind of insane. Pym refuses to tolerate any backsass to his genius, and fetches her a nasty backhand, knocking her unconscious.
Wow. Do they get worse than that? Cold, distant, and emotionally unavailable? Check. Gradually alienating all mutual friends and coworkers? Check. Verbal and physical abuse? Check. The only reason for him not topping the list being that there's one man who does it all better ...
#1. Mr. Fantastic, AKA Reed Richards
Susan Storm, AKA The Invisible Woman
A winning smile, a smooth talker, and a penis that can actually stretch a county mile.
Let's look at some examples of Mr. Fantastic's philosophies towards marriage:
Mr. Fantastic on Communication:
Mr. Fantastic on Reconciliation:
Mr. Fantastic on Shutting Susan Up:
Let's be honest: any of the above pictures are enough to condemn Reed Richards as a lousy husband, and a total dick to boot. But we here at Cracked pride ourselves in going that extra mile when denouncing imaginary jerks, so try this gem on for size: Reed Richards shut off his own son's brain.
Young Franklin Richards, budding mutant prodigy and apple of his mother's eye, was an issue of some concern to his father. Franklin apparently had a godlike supply of reality-altering power, which Reed was afraid he might lose control of. His solution is enough to make anyone remotely familiar with an Oedipus complex bite clean through their cigars.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Coma Ray:
Reed "There's No Problem That Rayguns Can't Solve" Richards
Reed may look conflicted in the picture, but you just know that in the back of his mind he's going "Excellent! My calculations regarding the Vegetomatic Tranfusor were spot on! Truly, this a glorious day for science!"
The fact that Reed Richards is both the worst husband on this list while being the only one who's still married is probably a testament to just how good Reed Richards is at spinning his dick moves. Keep in mind, this guy got superpowers in the first place by taking his fiancee and her dopey teenage brother into dangerously radioactive areas of space (on said fiancee's dollar). That he became known as a superhero at all shows he is one smooth motherfucker. Well we're not fooled, Mr. Richards.
If you liked that, you'll probably feel insanely jealous while watching the new Those Aren't Muskets video Comic-Con: The Musical!. Or for a list of characters who aren't quite marriage material check out The 6 Creepiest Comic Book Characters of All Time