God's busy, alright? He doesn't have time to sift through every prayer asking for help with a dog bite or syphilis. To help out, over the centuries the Catholic Church has recruited patron saints to act as sort of receptionists to sort through your requests.
And lucky for you, there is a Saint for everything. And we mean everything.
#8. Saint Barbara: Patron Saint of Fireworks
How'd She Become a Saint?
Barbara was daughter to a wealthy heathen named Dioscorus. When she converted to Christianity, he decided that the best way to demonstrate his displeasure would be to have her tortured and then to behead her with his own hands.
But, while strolling home from an execution well done, he was struck by lightning and died. This proved once and for all that the Christian God could cast lightning bolts with every bit the accuracy and velocity of Zeus.
So Why Fireworks?
Because of the deus ex machine death of her persecutor, Barbara was first invoked during thunderstorms, then against sudden deaths in general. But then somebody invented gunpowder and artillery, creating a whole industry where accidental sudden death was a daily risk. Suddenly Saint Barbara was very popular in all the explosion-based activities, and thus became the patron saint of fireworks.
Though we assume she'd be even more popular if she had become the patron saint of smiting your enemies with lightning.
"I don't need all five back, but if you could help me find the index and thumb, that would be terrific."
"Oh Saint Barbara, may you guide my roman candle square in the back of my stupid little brother."
#7. Saint Isidore of Seville: Patron Saint of the Internet
How'd He Become a Saint?
Born circa 560 in Spain, Isidore began his life similar to most modern day American kids, as a really lousy student. Then again, students of those days were expected to complete the Trivium and Quadrivium, meaning if you mastered grammar, logic and rhetoric you were still a dumbass who couldn't make time for geometry, astrology, music and arithmetic.
Burned out on book learning and unable to plagiarize from Wikipedia, Isidore did something unlike American students: he turned to God for help, instead of weed and gallons of alcohol.
After this he became one of the most learned men of his time, writing a dictionary, encyclopedia and complete history of the Goths (that is, the historical barbarians of eastern Europe, not brooding Hot Topic dwellers.)
So Why the Internet?:
He has been widely recognized as the patron saint of both computer users and schoolchildren. Since 90% of what schoolchildren do with computers is surf the internet, it seemed like a pretty logical step. So, in 2003 it was proposed he become the patron saint of the internet and while he still technically hasn't gotten the title yet, we're assuming he doesn't have a lot of competition.
Here's to hoping that with Saint Isidore on board this hell hole can get a makeover, no more with the girls and their tubs and 1 cups.
"I can has absolushun for mai sinz?"
"I LOL'd at my BFF's IM, but got 404, WTF? OMGZ like s4v3 me, kthxbye."
#6. Saint Drogo: Patron Saint of Unattractive People
How'd He Become a Saint?
Drogo's mother died during childbirth, something he felt responsible for because, well he was responsible for it. Because of this he practiced the extreme penance of self flagellation (not to be confused with "X-treme penance", which is slamming a Mountain Dew while surfing a waterfall of lava).
At age 18 he disposed of all property and became a pilgrim, devoting his life to God. Witnesses claim in later life he could magically bilocate (appear in two places at once). This meant he worked the fields and attended Mass simultaneously, miraculously doubling his boredom.
So Why Unattractive People?
During a pilgrimage he was stricken with disease that caused gross deformities. The townsfolk were nice enough to offer him a small cell attached to the church where he wouldn't frighten babies anymore.
Showing an unbelievable amount of self respect he merely survived on water and the Eucharist, and didn't once charge a dollar to let kids peer through the window and throw peanuts at him. 12th century freaks were a classy bunch.
He's also the Patron Saint of coffee houses, presumably because that's where ugly people hang out when "finishing" their novels.
"Oh Saint Drogo, I'm on homecoming court and I don't want a pimple. Could you help me? Preferably by making me look as little like you as possible?"
"So do you make unattractive people hot or just accept themselves for the way they are? Because I'd much rather it be the hot thing."
#5. Saint Genesius of Rome: Patron Saint of Comedians
How'd He Become a Saint?
Put on your funny pants, because this story of sainthood is a real knee slapper. Hired to work in a play that made fun of Christian Baptism, Genesius suddenly received a word from God and realized the truth of Christianity, converting on stage. Naturally, Emperor Diocletian tortured him and when he refused to renounce his faith he was beheaded. It's just like that one episode of Seinfeld.
So Why Comedy?
He's known as the patron saint of actors and performers in general, since that was his profession. But why would he also be the patron saint of comedians, when his big act of sainthood was to stop a comedy performance?
Because we all know Christian comedy is the best. It's laughter with a message! And guilt! Are we right people?
"Is this thing on? Seriously Genesius, could you turn this thing on?"
"Please bless me with hack material that robs idiot college students and rednecks blind. SuFi, Git-r-done and good day."