God's busy, alright? He doesn't have time to sift through every prayer asking for help with a dog bite or syphilis. To help out, over the centuries the Catholic Church has recruited patron saints to act as sort of receptionists to sort through your requests.
And lucky for you, there is a Saint for everything. And we mean everything.
8Saint Barbara: Patron Saint of Fireworks
How'd She Become a Saint?
Barbara was daughter to a wealthy heathen named Dioscorus. When she converted to Christianity, he decided that the best way to demonstrate his displeasure would be to have her tortured and then to behead her with his own hands.
But, while strolling home from an execution well done, he was struck by lightning and died. This proved once and for all that the Christian God could cast lightning bolts with every bit the accuracy and velocity of Zeus.
So Why Fireworks?
Because of the deus ex machine death of her persecutor, Barbara was first invoked during thunderstorms, then against sudden deaths in general. But then somebody invented gunpowder and artillery, creating a whole industry where accidental sudden death was a daily risk. Suddenly Saint Barbara was very popular in all the explosion-based activities, and thus became the patron saint of fireworks.
Though we assume she'd be even more popular if she had become the patron saint of smiting your enemies with lightning.
"I don't need all five back, but if you could help me find the index and thumb, that would be terrific."
"Oh Saint Barbara, may you guide my roman candle square in the back of my stupid little brother."
7Saint Isidore of Seville: Patron Saint of the Internet
How'd He Become a Saint?
Born circa 560 in Spain, Isidore began his life similar to most modern day American kids, as a really lousy student. Then again, students of those days were expected to complete the Trivium and Quadrivium, meaning if you mastered grammar, logic and rhetoric you were still a dumbass who couldn't make time for geometry, astrology, music and arithmetic.
Burned out on book learning and unable to plagiarize from Wikipedia, Isidore did something unlike American students: he turned to God for help, instead of weed and gallons of alcohol.
After this he became one of the most learned men of his time, writing a dictionary, encyclopedia and complete history of the Goths (that is, the historical barbarians of eastern Europe, not brooding Hot Topic dwellers.)
So Why the Internet?:
He has been widely recognized as the patron saint of both computer users and schoolchildren. Since 90% of what schoolchildren do with computers is surf the internet, it seemed like a pretty logical step. So, in 2003 it was proposed he become the patron saint of the internet and while he still technically hasn't gotten the title yet, we're assuming he doesn't have a lot of competition.
Here's to hoping that with Saint Isidore on board this hell hole can get a makeover, no more with the girls and their tubs and 1 cups.
"I can has absolushun for mai sinz?"
"I LOL'd at my BFF's IM, but got 404, WTF? OMGZ like s4v3 me, kthxbye."