A Very Scary Cracked Round-Up
It was a fear mongering week here on Cracked. We were scared of everything from robots, to fear itself to, well, robots again. But more importantly, we provided a critical piece of information that will let you go forward with your life, deprived of the most dangerous of emotions: inspiration. That's right folks, it turns out that Rudy and the dude from that Bob Dylan song about the wrongly accused boxer were both assholes. Sure it might make you enjoy a movie or two less than you did before, but it will also save you from the illusion that you or your tubby kid should go out for the football team. And in the end, isn't that the most important message of all?
You've gone a whole week without hating anything, let Gladstone teach you how to hateagain. Or, just have sex with robots. Bucholz has all of your Robo-boning questions answered. Or, for something less gross but just as retarded, let Swaim give you a glimpse into the mind of a young, stupid Brendan Frasier.
AAAAHHHHHH! |
 6 Absurd Phobias and the People Who Actually Have Them
In all seriousness, Billy Bob Thorton should be worried about a lot more than bright colors. Did you see the Astronaut Farmer? If he doesn't get called to be in any more movies, we can tell you right now that it has nothing to do with rainbows. |
Notable Comment: Mark says "I'm scared of heights, foreigners and old people." Then take our word for it, Mark: Avoid the Eiffel Tower on Senior's Day.
AAAAHHHHHH!(again) |
 The 7 Creepiest Real-Life Androids
Dear Scientists,
If there was ever a time for RoboCop, that time is now. Now, Scientists.
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Notable Comment:KingRing says "I hope to live long enough to see a rampaging horde of waist high simroids, cruising down my street with reckless abandon for whats in front, running into everything, and then backing up, and running into it again." The American Dream, sir.
LIES LIES LIES! |
 7 Movies Based on a True Story (That Are Complete Bullshit)
It turns out the people they make movies about are really drug abusing egomaniacs just like the people making them.
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Notable Comment:Fendergurl920 asks "How did 'Fargo' not make the list? It wasn't even a fabrication of true events; the Coen Brothers invented the entire story!" Mostly because you pretty much just summed up everything there is to say about the topic. They put some words before their movie to fuck with people. No truth. No half-truths. And as the old saying goes, "A job that can be done by someone named Fendergurl1920 probably isn't worth doing at all."
BAN AND DELIVER! |
 13 Things You Won't Believe Are Against the Law Somewhere
It's really nothing shy of a miracle that Cracked hasn't been banned in more towns. |
Notable Comment: Derfel says "could add wearing the wrong tartan in scotland, technically still illegal." If you're from the streets like we are Derfel, you'd know that most cities in America enforce the same laws, only you get killed just for wearing the wrong color. Or really any tartan, regardless of color.
AAAAHHHHHH!(in conclusion) |
 5 Famous Sci-Fi Weapons That They're Actually Building
Remember that time that Darth Vader blew up an entire planet with a laser? Yeah, so do defense contractors. |
Notable Comment: Onodera says, "The excrement in my pants is a far better weapon." We're not sure if this is a 2001-inspired allusion to how man is really just a monkey despite all his fancy weapons, or if it's the most retarded comment we've ever had on the site. Either way, it's a poop joke, and we can get behind that.
YOU YOU YOU! |
 25 If Everyone on eBay Was Forced to be Honest
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about:
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WINNERS!The Craption Contest!
Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.
7.11.08:
"Brokeback Mountie"
by GeeGee
Editor's pick:
John reached down and realized he wasn't carrying his gun. Needless to say, he felt ridiculous.
by thatdrunkdude
7.10.08:
Where will you be when diarrhea strikes?
by guitarfaces
Editor's pick:
Dude, your bird is totally hanging out.
by kaffro
7.08.08:
Somewhere else fourteen guys are enjoying a monster truck race.
by Mr_K_Twig
Editor's pick:
Has been it funny up with coming craption impossible they since removed brain my.
by mellowd
7.07.08:
Inside the glass dome, an inflatable orange woman is undressing.
by KenBuddha
Editor's pick:
An AOL guy orgy.
by TechnoCupcake
7.06.08:
Now remember, kids, safety first. Notice the man wore his helmet.
by mellowd
Editor's pick:
Marcus was disapointed by the lack of attention his mohawk was getting
by Spirit
7.05.08:
The U.S. military is now developing a $30,000,000 stick to put through the spokes.
by maple_man
Editor's pick:
They would be invisible to the naked eye in a field of bushes and roller-coaster parts.
by BigPineDan
7.04.08:
No one's buying it, Mexibot. You're still getting deported.
by Roland1232
Editor's pick:
The Star Spangled Bender!
by joeyc
alight, thanks
Replyand yea, this would be the right way to post a comment or compaint, not tell me to die
Removing it won't make the site great, but it would still be an improvement. It's just in bad tastes. When you're dealing with racism, I think it's easiest to find the line by thinking about whether or not you would actually said to someone of that ethnicity's face if they were your friend. Like, I've got Asian, Black, and Jewish friends that I'll drill with stereotypes when we're drunk, but it's all in good fun. I'd never tell my black friends they're scientifically less intelligent than me because they're black. Nor would I tell them America could never have a black president because it "wasn't meant to be". Obviously, because neither are true statements and stating them as such is quick way to get these "fuck off and die" responses you're getting. Focus on a positive stereotype like black people having huge dicks, and you'd probably never hear a complaint. Focus on a completely meaningless stereotype like how much they love chicken and you might see some people shaking their he
ReplyI think some of these photos are downloaded from B l a c k s ug ar m o mm y do t co m, the finest dating site on which the young handsome guys persuing mature wealthy woman? I viewed many hot videos on that page, and it seems this woman is hanging out on that page.
ReplyHow can you say "please go to my website" and then tell people not to go to it after it has already offended them?
Replyis the black people article your only complaint? say i removed it
Reply"Jordon", your web address clearly has "Alex" in it and all of your lists end with "- Alex" as if you're signing off with your name. Obviously, we're going to assume your name is Alex.
ReplyAnd like I said, I think racism can be hilarious. I love the Harold and Kumar movies and that's their entire basis. But there's a difference between jokingly saying black people love orange soda and blatantly stating as fact that they're inferior to white people because of a failure to evolve - particularly that they're less intelligent.
Did you even read the full article you yourself linked to as a reference? Even that article says that the rest of the scientific community will "roundly reject what appear to be Dr Watson's personal prejudices."
Also, as others have said, spell check/grammar check might also help you a bit.
Normally I'm not one for dog-piles but top5 you really need to cut your losses here and go fucking shoot yourself.
ReplyI'm sorry Top-5 guy, but your website is horrible. You can't even spell properly. YOU are the reason that free websites should not exist. I hope Freeweb are ashamed.
ReplyThat still doesn't explain how your 'The Top 5 Dumbest Movie Moments' is giving me a 'blatantly copied from Cracked' sense of deja-vu.
Replyposts, as in the one I'm writing now, not my website
ReplyI said my POSTS weren't meant to be funny. As in, the post I am writing right now and the 3 others on this website. Yes, my website is trying to be funny - if you don't think it is, no problem, just don't go. Bitching about how it's not funny will not make it funnier - just don't go to the site
ReplyWAIT, thetop5, your posts "weren't meant to be funny" yet it says on your shit site that its a humor site. That plus if it isn't meant to be funny, the negro article is therefore blatantly racist. fail.
Replywasn't trying to be funny at all in my posts. But anyway, again if it's not funny don't go to the website, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out
ReplyWow thetop5, your comments are so funny my bladder exploded, I considered dying and came back from the brink to reinvent sarcasm. Really, WTF, dude. "They haven't evolved? Weak.
Replyfirst off, I don't know where you got alex, my name's jordon. And secondly, take a chill pill - if you don't think it's funny just don't go there. If the racism bothers you don't read it (though I am in no way racists, and plan on an article about whites (me) and mexicans). And third, you fuck off and maybe consider dying
ReplyThat was the most racist thing I have seen in a long, long time, Alex. There weren't even jokes in there, you just straight up said black people are angry monkeys. You should probably seriously consider fucking off, and then look into maybe dying.
ReplyHey that guy was my friend from New Jersey. We used to carrot-tan together all the time until we were driving one day and his lips attracted the sun and he couldnt see and crashed and died. I planted carrots at his grave, everyone looked at me funny.
ReplyIa agree shishkabob3787, and all the spelling mistakes don't help either. It's like looking at a website done by your little brother, who wanted to do soemthing like Cracked, only it's exactly the same and without the funny. Still though, E for Effort thetop5.
ReplyAlex, racism CAN be funny, but your Top 5 Reasons Why The Negro is angry fails to meet the requirements. #5 was the closest to being funny, but everything else? Seriously, say you like black people all you want, but even Carlos Mencia has higher standards than the rest of that list.
ReplyAnd I'm white.
YESSSSSSSS! I am mentioned in this weeks Cracked round up!!!
Replystep 1 of my life goal has been accomplished. initiating step 2: laying down and waiting to die.