4Sexual Harassment Monkeys
As if Indian monkey gangs weren't bad enough, in Kenya the monkeys are basically unrestrained, drunken frat boy villains from a bad '80s movie.
In the small Kenyan village of Nachu, about 300 asshole monkeys make a habit of stealing the village's crops on a daily basis. And sure, that's a pain in the ass but hey, they're hungry. Where the people of Nachu draw the line is when the monkeys started sexually harassing the village women.
The monkeys are typically afraid of males, but have taken to mocking the women who try to save the grain out in the fields. According to one woman, the monkeys gesture at them while "pointing at their private parts" like tiny, hairy construction workers on their lunch break.
The female workers attempted to trick the monkeys by wearing men's clothing, at which point the monkeys would reportedly point at the breasts and then continue to steal potatoes. Seriously.
The villagers have begged for help from the Kenyan Wildlife Service, who we're assuming wrote the whole thing off as an elaborate prank (they admit they had never seen that kind of monkey behavior before). They did eventually send in a team to observe the monkeys and, since it's illegal to just shoot the little bastards, to "relocate" them somehow.
We're going to say right now that whatever plan they come up with to try to deceive and round up the horny monkeys will go down in history as the wackiest thing to ever actually happen. It will probably involve a man in a monkey costume wearing a dress, and at one point all of the wild monkeys will wind up running amuck in a snooty restaurant.
3Moscow Dog Packs
Moscow, Russia has a population of 10.3 million people. According to official figures, you're more likely to be attacked by a dog than be mugged there ... and that's not because nobody gets mugged. In 2007, there were 20,000 dog attacks in the city--8,000 of them bad enough to require police intervention or hospitalization.
Many of the dogs live in the subways, because if CHUDs knew nothing else, it was that the underground is a kick-ass place to attack humans. The dogs are so commonplace in the subway tunnels, they actually wait on platforms and will board trains with passengers to go for rides. Some commuters have told horror stories of running to catch a train, only to have an entire pack set upon them, which while awful, also gives us a kick-ass idea for an excuse the next time we're late for the office.
Back in the Soviet days, they dealt with the stray dog problem the same way they dealt with all of their problems: by rounding the culprits and shooting them in the head. But it's a different time over there, sort of, and they decided to go the more modern and humane route of sterilization.
Unfortunately for Moscow animal control, dogs are pretty good at not getting caught when they realize their balls are on the line. They've only been able to round up about 20 percent of the strays they'd need to if they want to make a dent, so the result is there is still a pantload of dogs roaming free.
These days many Moscowvites actually leave the house strapped with pepper spray or, even better, with sausages. Seriously, joggers will take sausages with them so they can toss the links to the dogs when they attack. So while it doesn't appear Moscow has solved its pooch problem, the dogs of Moscow have solved their human problem beautifully.