They walk among us! Some even fly among us! They may even take the bus among us from time to time! Homosapiens-Superior is here, and can do things that have scientists scratching their heads.
We're carefully tracking their progress, so that one day soon we may gather them together and fight crime. Or maybe commit crimes. We haven't decided yet.
#7. Das Uberboy
Real Name: Unknown
Uberboy's name is being kept secret, presumably to protect the lives of his loved ones once Uberboy dons a mask and begins patrolling the streets of the world righting wrongs.
Superpower: Bona fide Super-Strength.
One day in 1999 a little baby boy was born in Germany, at first glance no different from any other. But, the nurses noticed that the baby's muscles were twitching and called the doctors to check him out. We can only assume Uberbaby was showing off his guns to the ladies since when doctors examined the kid, they reached a unanimous conclusion: he was ripped as hell.
But how did this happen? Was there a fully equipped gym inside his mom's uterus? No, as it turns out that's an extraordinarily stupid idea. It's actually a real X-Men-style genetic mutation that changes the way his body controls muscle growth. Cattle farmers have been intentionally using it for years to breed huge, muscular cows.
It's not clear what will happen as Uberboy grows up. All we have is this quote that is from The Washington Post despite sounding like it's from a Marvel origin: "But inasmuch as no one has ever encountered a child such as this boy or studied animals with defective myostatin genes into old age, his health--and eventual strength--remains unknown."
What we do know is that at 4-years-old, Uberboy could lift six times more weight than an average kid. If in a few years you see a guy clubbing a bank robber in the head with a minivan, you'll know what the hell is going on.
Scientists, instead of building giant laser shooting robots to hunt him down, decided to study him and try to find ways to use this new knowledge to help people with muscle dystrophy. And by that we assume they mean turn regular people into muscle-bound supermen to populate their Army of Doom.
#6. Captain Sonar
Real Name: Ben Underwood
Superpower: Super Echolocation
That's a fancy way of saying he can "see" with sounds. Basically he's Daredevil, minus the girlfriends who become porn stars in Mexico, getting killed by ninjas and being Ben Affleck. So much, much better when you think about it.
Human echolocation is not really new. You can ask James "the blind traveler" Holman all bout it, assuming you have access to a working Ouija board since the guy has been dead for a century and a half. There is even an organization called World Access for the blind that teaches people how to use echolocation. But, few people have been able to take echolocation as far as Ben Underwood.
Ben was diagnosed with retinal cancer at the age of two and had his eyes removed at three. While this can easily go into our upcoming article "Top 7 Most Horrible Things God Can do to Children," Ben's story takes a different turn when at five, he learns he can detect things around him by making quick clicking noises with his tongue.
He's gotten so good at it that he's now capable of Rollerblading, skateboarding, playing basketball, foosball and even video games.
Wait, video games? How's he doing that? Actually, we don't want to know. All we know is that if you get this kid and a bunch of bad guys in a completely dark room, only one of them is walking out.
#5. Mister Eat Everything (aka The Human Goat)
Real Name: Michel Lotito
This basically means the guy can eat and even digest metal, glass and even toxic, poisonous material without going "Oh, shit! What was I thinking!" before puking blood and dying, which is what normally happens when other people try.
Michel Lotito's stomach lining is twice as thick as normal, a rare condition that most doctors agree developed in the womb, though nobody is sure how. Was a pregnant Mrs. Lotito bitten by a radioactive billy goat giving goat genes to Le Fetus Mangetout? We're forced to assume so until prove otherwise.
Lotito knew that fate had endowed him with special powers, so he answered the call and when he was 9-years-old, he started eating a television set. In the years since, Lotito got himself a career in entertainment eating bicycles, supermarket trolleys and even a coffin (there was no body inside ... or so he claims).
Lotito even entered the Guinness book of records when he ate a goddamn airplane. Sure, it took him two years to do it, but he ate two pounds of metal per day during the whole thing. Recent X-rays show he still has pieces of metal in his stomach and even a chain still stuck in there.
As journalists, we feel compelled to draw your attention to the fact that his special power wasn't eating an airplane, so much as it was shitting an airplane. Anybody can swallow a foreign object. The other side of the equation is where it gets hard, and on our team of real-life superheroes, we're thinking the plane-shitting would actually be more useful than anything the Das Uberboy does (hey, we have some specific goals in mind).
Real Names: Numerous Buddhist monks
Superpower: Generating magical heat energy from their bodies.
Experts have been studying Buddhist monks for more than 20 years, trying to figure out just how in the hell they're doing what they do. By using a meditation technique called Tum-mo, these monks can lower their metabolism by 64 percent. To put it in perspective, your metabolism only drops 10 to 15 percent when you sleep. And yes, you should feel bad that there are people who make you look uptight when you're asleep.
But far more awesome than that, the monks can also increase the temperatures of their fingers and toes by 17 degrees. No one knows how.
After hovering there for a few seconds, the ball burst into flames
This control over their body temperature allows the monk to comfortably survive in temperatures experts call "scrotum-negating, penguin-urine cold." Not only that, in an experiment that sounds more like outright torture, a group of monks were put in a cold room with cold, wet sheets draped around them. We're not sure if some asshole scientists simply yelled "Hey, I found Nirvana inside this room," and then slammed the door shut after the curious monks went in to check. But using their body-temperature-controlling meditation the monks managed to avoid becoming very holy popsicles.
It's believed the monks' techniques can one day be taught to astronauts to be used during space travel, since during their meditation they consume far less resources. And once the astronauts arrive on another planet, they'll likely find a group of Buddhist monks waiting, having effortlessly teleported themselves there with their minds.