#2. The Motels' "Suddenly Last Summer"
Why it's Scarring:
You might think this starts out innocently, what with an ice cream truck rolling through suburbia, but as any connoisseur of fine horror cinema knows, those involved in the ice cream industry are anything but pleasant.
Pictured: Unadulterated Terror
But, like just about every music video from this decade (apparently), this one stops making sense as soon as possible. We quickly jettison the ice cream man plot and observe as a young woman has a decidedly not PG-rated dream inspired by her beloved trashy romance novel. Things get bizarre when a group of onlookers in matching uniforms shows up. Things get downright terrifying when the ice cream truck rolls back into frame.
We crap our collective pants when the young woman wakes up and finds that the population of the retirement community down the block has invaded her home and are JUST. STARING. AT. HER. And the worst part is, she doesn't even care! Leading children who saw the video to conclude that waking up to a room full of stony-faced geriatrics wasn't uncommon when you grew up.
Most Terrifying Moment:What the hell do you think?!
#1. Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart"
Why it's Scarring:
If your sanity survived that descent into a highly choreographed hell, we'll assume you've had time to digest what you just saw, and understand why it was scarring. So, uh yeah ... it appears that Bonnie Tyler once did a stint working at an educational institution that makes Hogwarts look like your typical suburban public school. Once night falls, campus transforms into a labyrinthine nightmare populated by mutant bird-people, ninjas who sneak out from the shadows, and FLYING CHOIR BOYS WITH GLOWING EYES. If Clive Barker and Twyla Tharp got together to make a music video, it would look something like this.
All of which begs the question: What the hell does all of this have to do with the lyrics to the love song? Which one of these abominations of nature could Bonnie Tyler possibly really need tonight? Apparently, it didn't matter if your song was about the douchey move of rocking shades after dark, masturbating, or overwrought breakup metaphors, '80s music video directors were going to serve up some psychological trauma, lyrics be damned.
Most Terrifying Moment:
Those glowing choir boy eyes couldn't have been what Bonnie Tyler had in mind when she wrote the line "Turn around, bright eyes." But that didn't keep us from wetting our pants everytime they played the song at middle school dances.
How about some good ol' fashioned Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics to lighten the mood. Or check out our look at 6 Famous Songs That Don't Mean What You Think.