It's official. It's Summer. Just look at it outside. So muggy. So humid. So hot. And look at all those children running around. Those little bastard children running around like they own the place. (They do not.) And listen to the ice cream truck blaring its filthy hate music. You don't want any part of that, right? Right. Just stay inside. With the air conditioning and your computer. Let Cracked take care of you. Don't you worry about summer, let us worry about summer. You just sit here and enjoy our articles. And never leave.
You've gone a whole week without hating anything, let Gladstone teach you how to hate again. Or, check out Chris Bucholz who, in his epic battle with Gladstone, talks about a few things he didn't hate. Sick of hating and loving? Join Ross and just get confused as hell. Or, do none of those things and just help Swaim count down the late Stan Winston's best creations. Meanwhile, see which female celebrity DOB is stalking this week. Guy's just begging for a restraining order.
5 Superpowers Science Will Give Us in Our Lifetime
Because buying a powerful Iron Man suit sure as hell beats working out.
Notable Comment: DANISMYHERO says "I'm inventing something to prevent my farts from stinking. I'm gonna be rich!" Not really sure which superhero had nice smelling farts as a power, but you have our support all the same.
The 6 Most Terrifying Allergies You Can Actually Get
See? We're allergic to exercising. That's totally a thing. You can't hold it against us ... You can buy us some of those super Iron Man suits though. Just throwing it out there.
Notable Comment: This was interesting. Gdinelli said "A friend of mine is allergic to his own semen (he told me, I never saw such a creepy thing)." Immediately, our warning flags went up. How did your friend find out? Why did he tell you? Why are you telling us? These were the questions we expected the Cracked commenters to hop on. Instead, we were treated to lengthy and surprisingly thoughtful discussions about a)the nature of semen allergies, b)questions about whether or not the "friend's" testicles had hives on the inside and c) the process by which semen is created. Week after week, Cracked commenters, you manage to surprise and terrify us.
6 Great Action Heroes Who Should Be Convicted of Murder
You know, Batman saves the day but he does it without killing civilians. Do you guys think you're better than Batman? Is that what you think? You're not, OK?
Notable Comment: BearMan says "I wish I'd gotten further into Fantastic Four to have seen that part. There was just entirely too much suck for me to keep watching though. Jessica Alba was talking waaaaaay too much. I liked her better in Sin City where she said very little and danced sexy from time to time." We have a feeling you're going to love our new movie. It stars Alba and it's sort of like The Eye except instead of being blind, she's mute! And instead being a cellist, she's naked! And instead of being about monsters or whatever, it's about a mute naked girl who can't stop having sex with members of the Cracked editorial staff. It's a concept film.
NERDS GONE WILD!
Patheticon: The 8 Saddest Excuses for a Geek Convention
On the plus side, the possibility that a bunch of freaks will get together to throw a Cracked convention is looking very, very real.
Notable Comment: The comments section of this article revealed that our readers know way, way too much about Yaoi. This was a difficult realization for us to stomach.
CHUG CHUG CHUG!
James Bond Boozing: 10 Amazing Flasks for Undercover Drunks
"How could I be drunk, officer? These are clearly binoculars. Nothing suspicious about them ... "
Notable Comment: rplay28 says "Is it bad that I drank to this article at nine in the morning?" Well, we drank to this article while we wrote it. And at work. And on the drive home. So you're probably in the clear.
YOU YOU YOU!
Jobs Too Awesome to Exist
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about If Tattoos Told the Truth and you can be.
Barack Obama's appeal for votes in the south fooled nobody.
That is the most polite ICP fan ever!
There's a cardboard black guy in the back seat.
Officer Kowalski looked on helplessly as the car sped away. As much as he wanted to pursue, the third dimension was simply out of his jurisdiction.
No longer content with a boring old human cannonball show, the British circus prepares to load the first human machinegun.
Photographer, "Raise your hand if your a rapist"
Later that day, Phone Man accidentaly hit a pedestrian. Luckily, the number 911 was punched by the impact.
quick, to the mobile-mobile!
"Sir the Robospider first quarter figures are in... people are saying it's good but it's just not evil enough"
"Can we convert it to run on the corpses of dead babies?"
"Now THAT is why you're the CEO of Deathstruco Industries sir!"
Seth wished he could get the in-dash navigation without having to upgrade to the Robot-Claw package.
He's not with us.
Canada's latest military technology was no match against Mother Earth's greatest weapon: the hill.
The Society for the Blind had a rigid system: one member wrote the signs, and the other chose the uniform.
"So it's agreed--we take down the Naked Cowboy and divide Times Square between us."