Coming Soon: The Most Unnecessary Comic Book Reboot Ever
What if I told you that a decades-old comic book character known the world over was about to get a massive, multi-issue prequel/relaunch that would massively redefine all we thought we knew about said character? Then what if I told you that character was Archie? You’ve just experienced nerd blueballs.
Unless of course you’re one of the Archie fans who has, according to this article apparently written by Jughead himself, been “clamoring” for such a wild tale of non-threatening coming of age in an increasingly anachronistic version of the 1950’s. Except, you know, not so racy.
And despite the potential for confused threesomes between Arch, Veronica, and Blondie (Or is it Dagwood?), I doubt that me and the “Clamoring Archie fan” in question would get along very well. Mainly because I assume a lot of things about his physical appearance and manner, which kind of makes me a dick.
And what else have the “countless Archie fans” been “clamoring for?” The environment, naturally, which is why the Archie prequel issues will be printed entirely on recycled paper. This creates two distinct advantages: Archie and the Gang’s raging acne won’t be nearly as noticeable through chunks of embedded wood grain, and if you accidentally use the pages to wipe your ass, no harm no foul.
Of course, you run the risk of offending ace Archie writer Batton Lash, who also penned the homoerotic rape fantasy comic “Archie Meets the Punisher” in 1994, but didn’t have sense enough to kill Archie off in a whips and chains malfunction.
He’s The Punisher, Batton. He kills everyone. Yet this gang of Riverdale punks outflanks him? That’s not my Frank Castle. My Frank Castle is still tormented by memories of rooting elbow-deep through Jellybean’s entrails looking for a key of Colombian blow.
Hey! Let’s do this now!
Batton Lash, I know you read the blog, because the entire plotline of the “Archie Goes to a Dance” issue was ripped off from my post about Shia LeBouff’s arrest. Put no less than three of the above points into the Archie prequels, and all is forgiven.
Although I won’t be reading them, so if you do, write and let me know.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael avenges the murder of his family as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
June 16th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Homoerotic? I have Archie Meets the Punisher, and I only recall one or two isntances of mutual masturbation between Archie and Jughead. That’s hardly homoerotic.
I was so hoping the homoeroticism would have been Betty, Veronica, Midge and Big Ethel getting “it” on, though.
June 16th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
You never fail to leave me with almost nothing to say. I’m gonna recommend children subscribe to your blog posts.
June 16th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Aw man, you KNOW that comic fans around the world have been waiting for this day! lol. The funniest parody I ever saw about Archie comics was in a collection of MAD magazine’s best articles published in the 50s. Even then Archie was a dork. Why, oh WHY would he seem any cooler or relevant now? Batton Lash, just stop. Just… please. Don’t do it.
June 16th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
You’ll notice I entirely intentionally used the word ‘isntance.’ That’s a negative word, like an unevent (which isn’t unhappening, DOB). That means the comic has no homoerotic scenes in it.
That’s it, Gregory is totally fired.
Gregory: O shit
)
June 16th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Carrie, for the record, the best parody of Archie is Cherry Poptart. It’s a proven fact. Proven with science!
June 16th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
All those parodies got sued into oblivion by the Archie lawyers. Archie’s legal team is top notch.
June 16th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Archie’s legal team is still alive? Man, you really do sell your soul to Satan to become a lawyer.
June 16th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
I love your alter ego in these blogs swaim- you “mysterious, yet physically irresistible blogger” hahaha!!!
June 16th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
In all actuality “Achie versus the Punisher” wasn’t that bad. That being said, I would totally do Big Ethel.
June 16th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Gregory just as long as your not really not kingmonkey’s pet name for his penis, you can come work for me.
June 16th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
Gregory only wishes he was my penis! Now that he’s fired, he’ll get less action than even my minuscule, 3-balled penis.
June 16th, 2008 at 11:48 pm
I stoped reading at the alice cooper joke. 1) Alice cooper is no woman. 2) Alice Cooper is a band. The Coop that everyone knows is Vincent Furnier 3) Alice Cooper (Vincent) is a Christian, and therefor can not be satanic.
Back to reading.
June 17th, 2008 at 3:24 am
you do know that alice cooper was a witch too though, right? before vincent took her name? maybe, but just maybe, that’s the alice swaim is referring too. but not likely
June 17th, 2008 at 8:12 am
Archie vs the punisher was the best crossover comic EVER!!!! Really!!! EVER!!!! Not just by a standard, but ever!!!!
June 17th, 2008 at 8:55 am
Boyhowdy, i realease of i comic i never wanted to read. Can’t really fucking wait.
Also, what’s the beef with Garfield? He’s a comic character, a being that he’s avoidable and if you come into contact with him, it’s your damned fault. And if yous seek something (say, Garfield) only to moan and bitch about it, then you’re dick dangdoodle dickwang with no dick.
June 17th, 2008 at 9:23 am
I think JcDent has a good point, but I can’t quite be sure.
June 17th, 2008 at 9:25 am
@poison: did you read that on wikipedia, because as far as I can remember that’s merely an uncomfirmed rumor.
June 17th, 2008 at 9:28 am
oh and kingmonkey +1 I thought you were illiterate. Who’s typing for you now?
June 17th, 2008 at 10:48 am
All of kingmonkey’s typing is done by his infinite amount of monkey subjects during their breaks from writing Hamlet.
June 17th, 2008 at 11:30 am
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June 17th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Hey! How come Archie doesn’t have any regular characters who are overweight? Moose is big, but he’s not fat. Only Archie’s dad, Mr. Weatherbee, Pop (from the “malt” shop… whatever that is).
http://www.archiemingle.com
June 17th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Poison… he said “Mrs. Alice Cooper” so settle down and quit telling everybody things we already know. It doesn’t make you sound smart. Did you know that water is made from 2 Hydrogen atoms and 1 Oxygen atom? See? Did that make me sound smart?
June 17th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Change Archie to Betty in the last point and you’ve got something.
June 17th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
This Archie must be something I should know about! So many comments, but i didn’t catch any of the jokes and even couldn’t comprehend a single sentence! That means I’m either stupid or not a comic geek…or whoever are those people who actually have something relevant to say about this.
June 17th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
If you want to give Archie a makeover, have Mrs. Grundy blow him after class. Then have Chuck giving Sabrina some Alabama blacksnake in the men’s room while Mr. Weatherbee takes a shit and beats off. Then have a threeway with Betty, Veronica and Jughead while Hot Dog’s hot dog goes peekabo. Then have Moose walk in on Reggie and Midge and get so mad that he plants ten right in Reggie’s cornhole. And then finish with Dilton continuously walking by Big Ethel and sniffing her pussy.
June 17th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Did anyone here read the classic Mad Magazine parody of Archive? Absolutely genius stuff, and it was pretty adept at pointing out how laughably bad Archie was at mirror youth culture, even during its heyday.
June 17th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
David Gee… you are exactly the target audience for Cherry Poptart.
June 18th, 2008 at 1:29 am
And I’d never even heard of Cherry Poptart until today. The similarities to Archie are hilarious. By the way, I’ll assume that was a compliment!
June 18th, 2008 at 3:35 am
@ poison:
Actually Alice Cooper is the on stage persona of Vince, he’s said so in interviews.
After the band broke up in the 70’s he took the name to mean him personally on stage.
Way to seem like a sanctimonious butthurt fan though.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
funny
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June 18th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
For some reason a quote by Gen. Phil Sheridan comes to mind.
June 18th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Alice Cooper is indeed a Christian, but of the born again sort, he definitely wasn’t back in the day when he rocked out hard. Rumours of Satanism are unconfirmed though
I believe he now runs a Christian School of Rock, helping youngsters find God and Music.
Hehehe.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
The other day I was watching an episode of the Muppet Show. Alice Cooper was the guest star.
He absolutely confirmed that he worked for Satan! Maybe it was Santa, I don’t know but evil either way.
He tried to get Kermit to sell his soul to his “Boss”. Kermit refused, but Gonzo tried to.
Mildly amusing!!!!!!!!!!!!!
June 19th, 2008 at 4:23 am
What other comic is there about a guy who really enjoys eating hamburgers?
June 19th, 2008 at 7:41 am
Melissa, there’s WImpy from the Popeye comics.
“I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.”
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June 19th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Shudders - they already did a reboot of this in the 80’s: the New archies. It was horrific!
June 19th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
I think the Archies got a bad rap. They really had some good songs. Like this one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7eR-hAF7vQ
June 19th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
re the article in the first link: The only things an Archie fan has ever clamored for are for a member of the opposite sex to show interest in them in a non-ironic fashion and more pie.
June 19th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Wait… There are Archie fans? Do they have a convention? With twister?