Scientology Wants Miley Cyrus: So Which Should Be Scared?
It was recently reported that the Church of Scientology is recruiting 15 year old Disney star Miley Cyrus to be a part of their organization. In his below “Letter to Miley Cyrus Regarding the Evils of Scientology,” resident expert in getting Cracked sued Michael Swaim tries to save Hannah Montana. Dan O’Brien thinks he’s got it backwards.
Miley,
You may not know me. I come from a place where people openly discuss you fornicating with diseased animals and thereby spawning monstrosities the very existence of which is an offense to God. In fact, if you were to shit your pants in public tomorrow, I guarantee you this blog would Digg that video so hard you’d think we were all fecalphiliacs, which would only be half true.
I’m telling you this, Miley, because I want us to start off our relationship on the right foot. I want to be honest. And, honestly, most of the crew I run with want to see you dead. Not just dead, either; maimed. In front of your family.
But I don’t. Because I know, deep down, that you’re just an impressionable young pop star, falling into the same stupid traps our obsessive culture sets for all of your kind.
Miley, listen to me, because I may be the only person speaking from a place of truth on this one. We already know the people making your decisions at the moment aren’t exactly out for your well-being. If they were, I wouldn’t be masturbating to you as I write this.
Does that creep you out Miley? Well, try to get past it, because I’ve got some deep shit to lay on you and I’m not going to stop.
Miley…DO NOT JOIN THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY.
I know they’ve had Travolta hounding you, and I know he’s cool. Damn cool. I mean, the guy’s licensed to pilot 747’s, and rocks one of the meanest upside-down goatees I’ve ever seen.
But you know who else piloted 747’s? Terrorist hi-jackers. And you know who else has awesome facial hair? Biker gangs.
And you want to know a dirty little secret? They’re all Scientologists. Scientology is more than harmless idiocy; it’s a dangerous cult, a confluence of all the world’s evildoers. Even Beck.
Don’t believe me? Ask literally anyone who isn’t a Scientologist about Scientology, and watch what happens. They’re either going to laugh at you or shake their fist in anger, and neither is a good endorsement when choosing a faith.
Look, I understand if you’re looking for some meaning in your life right now. I would be too if I were just getting old enough to realize what an empty shell of a human being I’m going to have to live as for the next eight years before I die on a Heroin overdose in a truck stop bathroom.
But if you’ve got to go in for a crazy fad religion, why not Kabbalah? I don’t know that much about it, but Madonna’s pushing it pretty hard and as far as I know she’s one of the only of your kind to make it into her thirties with some semblance of a career.
I’ve read Dianetics, Miley. It’s long. It’s got big words. And the only pictures are diagrams of things like your “potentiality matrix” and “beingness curve.” Then at the end there’s an agreement you’re supposed to sign that gives Church members the right to come over to your house any time they want and chill out, without even calling first, and eat right out of the fridge.
And may I remind you, not all Scientologists are huge celebrities like Tom Cruise and Leah Rimini. Most of them are just lonely people so chock-full of Thetans they’ll believe anything they hear. Or, wait, do they have no Thetans? Are Thetans bad to have? I think so, but then they give you an operating Thetan level that goes up as you improve. See?! It’s crazy Miley! Get out of there!
And if someone offers you an “E-Meter reading,” kick them in the crotch and run like hell. I heard that’s when they drop the cages on you. And “auditing session” is just slang for a chloroform-soaked rag.
I learned these things, Miley. On the streets. Sticking my nose in where it didn’t belong. Digging up the bones of L. Ron Hubbard and pissing on them. And I impart this wisdom to you, in the hopes that I can keep another of our young people out of the alien clutches of the Church of Scientology.
Godspeed, snake monster.
Yours in Christ,
Michael “I just finished” Swaim
And for the dissenting view, check out Dan’s Open Letter to Scientology Regarding the Evils of Miley Cyrus.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael rescues America’s youth from the deprivations of organized religion as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
June 13th, 2008 at 10:39 am
[...] > Blog > » An Open Letter to Scientology Regarding the Evils of Miley Cyrus « Scientology Wants Miley Cyrus: So Which Should Be Scared? 4 Reasons You’re Going To Hate The New Mike Myers Movie » An Open Letter to [...]
June 13th, 2008 at 11:41 am
The shit fetish is actually called corprophelia. I learned that from Murderface in Metalocalypse
The more you know!!!
June 13th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Wow it feels good to be #1. Down with Tom Cruise! Down with Scientology!
June 13th, 2008 at 11:42 am
And even though my goddaughter loves her… down with Miley Cyrus… evil succubus!
June 13th, 2008 at 11:43 am
aww guess I wasn’t #1 after all…..
June 13th, 2008 at 11:46 am
“Are Thetans bad to have?”… Swaim <3
Unfortunately, I think my chances are pretty low, as I’m female rather than canine.
June 13th, 2008 at 11:55 am
It seems that she is dating online now. I saw her profile on dating site “M y I n t e r r a c i a l M a t c h . c o M” last week. It is said she is dating young black on that
site.
June 13th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
I’m sorry my friends, but that is not all we must worry over. The next nig thing, is here. Yes, most of you must know our dilema by now. The Jonas Brothers have the same cause here. They are mindcontrolling the world as we know it. Look now, brothers, and soak in the fear.
June 13th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
In my eyes, she is too thin and young. I like to hang out with mature big curvy beauties @ PlusMeet.c o m___, where many big boob womne, big booty women and big manful guys meet and seek fun&love online.
June 13th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
That is disturbing, at least tom cruise is short and a bit of a twat, if they recruit someone like that girl, it will bring HUGE support to the scientology church by teenage girls. However look on the bright side, the following child rape cases should put a dent in it’s reputation.
June 13th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Huge support from teenage girls or tween or whatever the hell children of that age are called i meant to say.
June 13th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I have to walk past the Scientology center in Minneapolis pretty regularly (it’s down town) I am contstantly surprised to see people in there taking the e-reading or whatever. I really can’t believe that almost every day there are a few more dumb/desperate people who go in there and sign up.
June 13th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Ask the scientoligy people to prove it, that might slow ‘em down a bit.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
@Lambman, ditto, i pass one scientology outlet whenever i take the train to university, i even took one of their tests.
The bullshite they come out with, they watch what you say and try and get you to talk about depressive things and get you to open up, see how impressionable you are. Quite prying.
Also they ask you to hold these bars which they say is used to measure the electric fields or some such bullshite that resonate with your mood or some such, after a little bit of testing i found out they just read the pressure produced by your hands, IE the more stressed you are, the more likely you are to grip the bars, i questioned the bloke on it and it took no small amount of time to admit it, twat.
Thinking if i have the time and muster the effort to go back and see if i can join, see how they react and the processes involved. Though after hearing about what they are like probably not the best idea to give them any contact details.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
c’mon cracked, this is old.
i still love you though. at least you pic funny ones to re-post.
June 13th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
“I just finished”
Hehe, I found it funny. Hell, I still do.
June 13th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
In my eyes, she is too thin and young. I like to hang out with mature big curvy beauties @ PlusMeet.c o m___, where many big boob womne, big booty women and big manful guys meet and seek fun&love online.
June 13th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
i believe that the Flying Spaghetti Monster created us and all.
Just prove me I’m wrong and I’ll drop my religion.
Regards,
olie
June 13th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
oh and scientology is as serious as ‘knowlegareligioncrapability”
June 13th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
She’s hot.
June 13th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
I should call her up and tell her not to join scientology cause Michael Swaim said so. I totally got her number. It’s in my address book, next to that stuffed bear that Elvis gave me last week.
June 13th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
Don’t really think this is the sort of thing that makes people who are against Scientology look good.
June 14th, 2008 at 12:10 am
I viewed many hot videos and photos about them at ——–Ukinterracialmatch.com ——–the NO.1 free dating club for interracial singles to have fun together in UK. I found there are so many single celebrities and their funs there. Also there are many black and white singles who are serious about love!
June 14th, 2008 at 1:52 am
dude cracked rules!!! u fuckin put it to those scientology bastards. there gay as hell
June 14th, 2008 at 4:12 am
this is the first cracked article i have ever read that not only wasn’t funny, but actually made me hope the subject (miley cyrus) would never read it. totallt uninspired and needlessly mean spirited. honestly, i’m surprised. this is the funniest website i know.
June 14th, 2008 at 5:34 am
its actually spelled coprophilia.I don’t know why I know this
June 14th, 2008 at 8:31 am
LOL, you mean part of their “CULT” LOL, organization, thats funny.
JT
http://www.Ultimate-Anonymity.com
June 14th, 2008 at 9:06 am
For a recycled article, it sure has a lot of spam in comments.
Still, “Godspeed, snake monster” is awesome.
June 14th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Scientology can have that bitch! I sure-as-hell dont want her!
June 14th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
The Jonas Brothers! I came onto the computer the other day, and found a wallpaper of them on my desktop! Put there by my sister! They’re taking over!
June 15th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Great article. Someone should really dig up the bones of Hubbard and piss on them.
June 15th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Scientology = crazy, nutso, strange beliefs.
Christianity = the same.
People who are the latter, but still talk about how crazy Scientology or any religion is = hypocrites.
I defy anyone to provide a counterargument which doesn’t include the concept of faith. Lawl.
June 16th, 2008 at 1:13 am
Istark:
god = big bang
all matter that is = from the big bang.
and, Yeoshua bin josaiphas, being made of the same matter as the big bang, is the son of god, and we are god’s children.
and you, Istark, are the red-headed brother no one likes.
law-elz
now atheists = nutso, strange beliefs, flatearthers with twice the delusion and 0% of the charm.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
looking for some good muslim brothers and sisters to conversate about Islam with
Seekmuslim.com will help you find exactly what, and who, you’re looking for.
Website : http://www.Seekmuslim.com
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June 19th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I’d hit that.
June 21st, 2008 at 4:06 pm
edc:
NO!
Science = big bang
All matter = big bang = science
Evolution = science = all matter = science
Rational thought = Intelligence
Intelligence = Logic = Fact
————————
God = Magic’d the universe into existence
Magic = blind faith in god
Blind faith in God = stupidity
Stupidity = intelligent design
Intelligence = something your offspring will most likely lack
Nice try, thanks for playing!
June 22nd, 2008 at 1:48 am
In my eyes, she is too thin.
I like to hang out with mature big curvy beauties at___PlusMeet.c o m___, where many big boob women, big booty women and big manful guys meet together for fun and love.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Why’d you change the title of this article from “An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus Regarding the Evils of Scientology”?
Now the title of Dan’s post doesn’t make as much sense. It was funnier before!
Or was it a legal thing?
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