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Science is a Dick: The 5 Most Evil Robots Ever Invented

Since Czech writer Karel Capek popularized the concept in 1921, humanity has had a charming and amiable relationship with the robot. We saw a future where helpful robots would do all the menial tasks humans would rather avoid. The only problem? Some people are just dicks, and they can build robots too.

#5.
Bum Bot

What the Hell is That Thing?

Designed by bar owner Rufus Terrill, the Bum Bot was built to shoo transients and drug addicts off his property without exposing himself to danger. Terill was deeply concerned about the plight of his degenerating neighborhood, so he decided that the most logical idea was to slap some steel, plywood, old gym mats, a meat smoker, a walkie-talkie and spare parts from a 1997 Chevrolet into a fighting street robot--a feat of technological improvisation so ingenious that it makes MacGyver seem like an Amish stroke victim by comparison.

Though why such a creative inventor went with a dull name like the Bum Bot is beyond us. Why not load it with Peter Weller quotes and call it Hobocop? And that's just off the top of our heads!

Why It's a Dick Move

If you need it explained to you that inventing robots to harass transients is a dick move, you're probably strangling a drifter for cheap kicks as you read this. So, first off, way to multi-task!

Secondly, the field of terrorizing bums just does not need technological advancements. Winter and feral dogs have that shit pretty much covered. So if you're the kind of guy that sinks enough money and time into manufacturing a robot that fucks with hobos, smart odds are that you probably find fucking with hobos enjoyable.

We note that Terrill also mounted a camera on the robot, and streams video of its bum-fighting antics to the high definition television back in his bar. This is ostensibly to monitor its actions for safety reasons, but you can't help but to wonder if it's also so his patrons can laugh at the dramatically uneven bout between an armed robot and a drunken hobo.

#4.
Robokiyu, Corpse-Eating Robot

What the Hell is That Thing?

Meet Robokiyu, a rescue robot commissioned by the Tokyo Fire Department. Robokiyu is meant to take over the dangerous task of rescuing people asphyxiated by smoke inhalation inside burning buildings. Japan's thinking, as always, is that if something's worth doing, it's worth building a giant, dangerous, steel automaton with hooked claws to do it instead (though made less intimidating by designing it to look like a retarded Transformer celebrating a touchdown).

Why It's a Dick Move

Well, officials were so impressed with Robokiyu's versatility in the many tests it's performed so far that they've branched it out into several other fields ... including corpse removal.

Now, handling the dead is a fairly tricky situation. Corpses need to be moved, handled, processed and disposed of. There's no arguing that, but seeing deceased loved ones taken away is an emotionally wrenching process. Often coroners have to walk the line between doing their job well, and treating the deceased with dignity and respect.

We can't imagine it helps the grieving process if, after finding your father collapsed on the floor, Emergency Service Workers arrive and send a perky little robot into your house to drag his corpse into its mouth. Try explaining to your already traumatized kids that death is a natural part of life while a giant Tonka truck is eating their grandpa in the living room.

Wait, it gets worse. They've also given it the job of moving the "dormant" peoples of Tokyo to safer locations. Dormant sounds like a nice, politically correct way of saying "passed out drunk," or maybe just "homeless."

If you need any more convincing that this robot is a dick, try drinking a few bottles of scotch next time you're in Shinjuku and then--after waking up in a cramped, cold, pitch-black robot stomach filled with corpses--you can get back to us about our "ridiculous fears of robot domination."

#3.
Intelligent Surveillance & Security Guard Robot of Death

What the Hell is That Thing?

This is the Intelligent Surveillance & Security Guard Robot, an armed sentry 'bot by the Techwin division of Samsung. It was originally funded by the government of South Korea to guard the North Korean border, but it's now on sale to the general public at $200,000 a pop. That's a price that pretty much limits the market to rich, bored, thrill-seeking eccentrics, the exact demographic you want buying deadly military hardware.

The Guard is equipped with ultra-high definition cameras, infrared lenses, image/voice recognition software ... and a swivel-mounted K-3 machine gun. The robot can recognize and target intruders from over two miles away day or night, and can be programmed to either fire on unauthorized intruders perceived as threats, to require a password and only use deadly force if the incorrect answer is given, or possibly just to murder drifters going for the baited malt liquor you left in the alley behind your loft.

Why It's a Dick Move

The Guard is not remote controlled, it's fully automated, and while that's a neat technological feat--one that's increasingly sought after in our cute robot dogs and sex-bots--perhaps it shouldn't be handed over to death-dealing sniper bots.

Now that we think about it, wasn't there another robot back in the 1980s that was designed to serve these precise functions. It monitored the premises for intruders, recognized threats independently, used lethal force if the target didn't verbally comply--what was that called? Oh yeah, our good friend the ED-209.

As hard as we are on the ED-209, its performance was mostly positive, with only a 50 percent failure rate that turned human beings into meat pudding.

But of course, the ED-209 was a fictional villain, and we're sure the kind and responsible designers at Samsung would be very careful to avoid any and all similarities to a robot mostly famous for its tendency to murder everybody in the room when its recognition software fails, right?

Which brings up another sticking point, if there's one thing you really don't want your life depending on, it's the success rate of current generation voice recognition software. Although it can be argued that some of the most advanced software in this field is now rather successfully in use all across the board--from GPS systems to customer service phone lines--the main difference here is that when you try to pay your cellphone bill and the automated system says "I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Could you repeat it?" It doesn't shoot your body into salsa.

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