9 Insane Cases that Prove the US Legal System Is Screwed

Exhibit 7: Playground battle goes to the courts

In a case sure to make every professional involved question their lives, profession and the state of the human race, two Honolulu kids have escalated a playground squabble to full courtroom status.

It all started when, after a game, soccer pro David Beckham signed and handed his jersey to a pair of friends, ages 9 and 10, neither of whom wanted to let go of it. A dispute that should have been resolved by upper body strength, a ripped jersey and an important moral lesson about sharing, turned legal when the parents brought in lawyers to decide exactly which kid grabbed the jersey first.

Judge Dredd, where are you and your humorous ability to punch through civilian heads when we need you?

When a nine-year old comes home complaining about not getting an autograph from their football hero and the parents hit "SPEED DIAL-LAWYER," any functional legal system would immediately deport both kids and parents to another country, preferably one without quite enough food.

Exhibit 8: Unruly teen in an adult's body angers judge

Adam Reposa, an Austin lawyer who apparently cleared the bar late one night while nobody was watching, made the sarcastic "jerking off" hand gesture to a judge in court. The judge in turn made the "take this man to jail" gesture to the bailiff, thereby winning this particularly high-stakes version of rock-paper-scissors.

The lesson? Don't piss off judges. And if that has to be explained to you and you're not Ralph Macchio's cousin Vinny, than maybe you should think about a career other than "lawyer." In the real world being sent to jail takes a while--you need police and, for long sentences, court proceedings. When you're already in those damn court proceedings, the guys are standing right there. Hell, they probably get paid extra. It makes it a lot harder to get away with shit.

We refrained from animating this

Worse, he was only representing a DWI client at the time. When you're dealing with somebody else's traffic offenses and you manage to get yourself jailed, you might just be the worst lawyer in the entire world. That's like a pyromaniac becoming a firefighter.

Exhibit 9: A pyromaniac becomes a firefighter

Mary Wolski was firefighter! Mary set house on fire! Now, Mary not firefighter.

This story, which could not be simpler if it was printed on chewable pages with thick-lined drawings, still leaves enough of a sliver of gray area for the legal system to play with. Wolksi's attorney is arguing that even though she admitted she burned down her father's house, she should have her job back and to deny it to her would be discrimination.

We have only one question: How did this lawyer escape from Gotham, and who's representing the Arkham Asylum inmates in his absence? Discrimination is not automatically bad. For example, discriminating against firefighters who set houses on fire. That's some pretty damn good discrimination there. She would have better luck appealing that, in a purely literal sense, she was obeying the job description of "fireman."

Wolski tries to drum up some business

The appeal forced the Civil Service Commission to actually write down, on real paper, the phrase "The act of establishing a fire in a residence is wholly incompatible with the role of the fire fighter" which makes you wonder if a system that has to put that into writing at all has any chance of survival.

If you enjoyed that, but are tired of reading about people you want to kick in the groin, check out Luke's article about The 6 Most Badass Stunts Ever Pulled in the Name of Science. And then watch the video that shows how Once Jesus Got Famous He Changed, Man.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!