6 Hilarious Old-Timey Versions of Modern Vices The 5 Worst Things About Getting a Job in a Small Town The 6 Most Undeserving Lottery Winners in History

The 10 Most Terrifying Guides to Sex

#5.
Make Your Own Sex Toys: 50 Quick and Easy Do-It-Yourself Projects

The Book Says:

"Ranging from the kinky to the cozy, these simple and budget-friendly toys can all be made from materials found at home, the hardware store, or the supermarket."

Reviews Say:

"I rather struggled with the hydraulic probe, but there was an intense burst of satisfaction on completion!"

We Say:

A This Old House approach to sex with the addition of foreign objects is probably best saved for only the most penny-pinching couples ... and even then, only if one of them is an absolute master craftsman. Approaching your lovers genitals with something you made yourself out of a bicycle pump, electrical tape and party balloons is a recipe for a hilarious story the emergency room staff will definitely retell later, again and again.

As a fun side note, the writer of this book also wrote a book called What Shat That?: A Pocket Guide To Poop Identity, meaning it may behoove you to think twice about following his directions in designing something meant to be inserted in your body.

#4.
More Family Jewels: Further Explorations in Male Genitorture

The Book Says:

"The word genitorture might bring some frightening images to mind, but in reality it is not always about pain. It can incorporate a full range of sensations from sensual to painful."

Reviews Say:

"How many TV shows and movies tantalize us with the exciting threat? Everyone from James Bond to Jack Bauer has hooked our viewing to scenes of men getting their privates worked over."

We Say:

Genitorture is a word that only exists in dictionaries found in the bowels of Hell.

Also, we're not at all comforted by the book's assertion that it's not always about pain. As soon as you start throwing around a word that combines "genital" and "torture," we don't hear anything else you have to say. We're too busy crossing our legs and avoiding anything that looks like an alligator clamp.

Somewhat more unsettling than the very premise of the book is the reviewer's reaction to filmed torture scenes which are meant to demonstrate some seriously awful, crippling, horrifying shit.

The kind of people who get turned on watching James Bond have his nuts mashed into paste at the end of Casino Royale are the kinds of people who give innocent perverts like furries and adult babies a bad name.

#3.
How to be the Best Lover: A Guide for Teenage Boys

The Book Says:

"Best Lover introduces teenagers to the heart of relationships--not shying away from telling them about oral sex or making love ..."

Reviews Say:

"I purchased the book online and read it immediately. I have since insisted that my husband read it, all three of my daughters have read it, and it has since moved on to the boys they are involved with."

We Say:

What teenage boy doesn't want to learn about sex? Now what teenage boy doesn't want this man to teach them to be the best lover?

Those two questions have distinctly different answers.

A sex guide for teens isn't inherently odd. But there's something unsettling about proclaiming your sex guide will turn the 14-year-old boys of the world into the best lovers ever, which up until this point has been one of those nefarious NAMBLA goals most people don't discuss in polite company, or outside of the special wing of the prison in which they're held.

Sure, you're setting them up to peak awfully early. But mostly you're just being creepy. The realm of creep has expanded in the hands of readers, like the reviewer, who apparently hands this book to their daughters' potential boyfriends as something of a how-to guide in pleasing them, something you really don't want to discuss with your girlfriend's mom unless you're living in a porno.

#2.
Intimate Invasion: The Erotic Ins & Outs of Enema Play

The Book Says:

"Author and experienced practitioner M. R. Strict addresses issues of psychology, physiology, and personal safety with regard of using enemas for foreplay."

Reviews Say:

"There are two kinds of enema lovers--those who find enemas erotic in a regressive/submissive setting, and those who eschew such settings in favor of purely 'cleansing' or 'erotic' activities."

We Say:

Apparently there's no end to the things someone is willing to write a how-to book about, even topics that are generally covered in the "directions" panel on the sides of enema packages the world over.

Somehow the author of this book took that information, which we assume amounts to "squirt this thing in your ass" and stretched it to 144 pages.

It's possible those extra 143 and 4/5 pages are filled with the eroticism promised in the title, tips like telling your lover how positively glowing they look as you fill their anal cavity with Fanta or whatever passes for a sexy enema elixir these days. Or maybe doing it on a bed of rose petals and a sensual tarp to manage any overflow.

Or maybe they added a subplot about diamond smugglers or something, we really don't care what's on the rest of the pages as long as it's not pictures.

#1.
A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting

The Book Says:

"This long-awaited guide by Deborah Addington has been approved by three fisting-positive physicians."

Reviews Say:

"I would say this is a great book for details regarding how to put one's whole hand into a vagina."

We Say:

How many patients do you think those three fisting-positive physicians see in the average day? Were there any additional fisting-positive physicians who did not approve of this book? Like how in toothpaste commercials only 4 out of 5 dentists agree that Crest is best for preventing cavities. Is it possible there's a mystery fourth fisting-positive physician out there who read this book and just couldn't in good conscience lend his support to it and is biding his time until a book on fisting comes out that meets his exceedingly high standards?

Not that it matters, as the review provided by an enthusiast who assures us he's "super into fisting" pretty much cuts to the heart of the matter and confirms this book indeed explains how to get one's hand into a vagina. And we suppose it's better that people discover how from this book rather than, say, as the result of a very awkward accident.

Find more of Ian's stuff at ScenicAnemia.com.

For more ways to make your sex life resemble something out of a post apocalyptic horror film, don't miss our look at The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys, or check in with our first and second looks at the most disturbing sex acts being solicited on Craig's List. And don't miss your chance to see where the ideas for porn come from.
  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

283 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!