OK, you guys are gonna be mad. We're gonna tell you something and, trust us, you're gonna be a bit mad. May, as in, the month that's ending today, was National Masturbation Month and we, uh ... forgot to tell you ... until right now.
We're sorry. We know it's our responsibility. If there's one site on the internet that should remind its readers when to masturbate, it's Cracked.com and we totally screwed the pooch on this one. It could be worse--we could be telling you about it tomorrow. At least now you can squeeze some fun out of the holiday.
Allow us to make up for our horrible oversight with a week's worth of comedy!
Boy, Gladstone sure hates things. Because this week's HBN is related to music, you might say Gladstone's angry Hate Days A Week, right? Are we right? Let's move on. Check in with Chris Bucholz and the shocking amount of dick he brought to the blog. Not to be out-dicked, Ross highlights his flying contribution to the dick world. Also, in one of the most epic, non-dick-related battles to happen to this blog, Swaim details why Scientology is bad for Hannah Montana while DOB documents why Hannah Montana is bad for Scientology. Check out Swaim's wild defense and DOB's equally wild rebuttal, and then decide who's right. Unless you have something better to do. And you almost certainly do.
LOS LOCOS KICK YOUR FACE!
The 8 Least Intimidating Gangs in Movie History
Finally, some gangs the Cracked staff can beat in a fight. Probably.
Notable Comment: GOTI says "Ahh. I thought that said Furries in the last one there. I was really confused." If we were to include the furries on this site, GOTI, you can bet your ass that it wouldn't on a list of the "least intimidating" anything. Those crazy bastards are horrifying.
8 Medical Terms Your Doctor Uses to Insult You
Next time your doctor uses a term you don't understand, call him an asshole and slap him in his face. And then die when he refuses to treat you.
Notable Comment:Drunkpiano says "That was actually really cool. And, as a side benefit, my girlfriend hates Cracked, but since she's a nursing student, I can use this article to get her interested. Then she will be as huge a loser as me." Yeah! Do it, Drunkpiano! Your girlfriend will totally get interested in Cracked, if "get interested in Cracked" means "dump the hell out of you." Girlfriends hate Cracked, and that's the truth.
POOP ON YOUR FACE!
History's 9 Most Terrifying Beauty Tips
When you look around Hollywood and you see people spraying tans on and stabbing themselves in the face with needles just to look slightly prettier, it's a comfort to know that we've always been idiots and we'll never learn anything.
Notable Comment: Coltonwhite realized in horror that he's"NOT original for chewing charcoal? Dammit." Sorry, buddy. But, according to our research, no one has ever regularly bathed in wolf urine. You could be the first on your block to bathe in whale urine. Would you like that? To bathe in whale urine? You could do that.
SCIENCE! SCIENCE! SCIENCE!
6 Most Badass Stunts Ever Pulled in the Name of Science
The guy who stabbed himself in the heart has a Nobel Prize? Bullshit. Judging by this article, we are more than qualified to be doctors, we do stupid shit all the time. Someone nominate us for a Nobel thing already and get this over with.
Notable Comment: Orangemti says "Excellent list. These guys could kick a pirate in the face with his own shoe! I know some seriously ballsy doctors, but nobody could match ball gauge with Dr Stapp: he is the BUSINESS.." You know a bunch of ballsy doctors? Like, more than one? That's just a weird thing to say. We don't personally know a whole lot of ballsy doctors. One even. Weird.
GRAND THEFT EAT SHIT!
5 Innovative Ways the Gaming Industry is Screwing You
It's kind of nice, though. Just think about it: In a few years, you won't even have to leave your TV to get screwed out of your money by evil corporations. Progress.
Notable Comment: There was a long and pointless debate about a Craption that happened Thursday. What a perfect place to have this debate, too! Right? Right!?!
Apparently Real Moms Aren't Like the Ones on Milfhunter.com.
But if there are any out there--and we mean it, even one mom--who are like the ladies on Milfhunter, contact Cracked immediately.
YOU YOU YOU!
20 Business Cards They Will Never, Ever Forget
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about Ill-conceived Super Hero Movies and you can be.
Sometimes you lick the bull...sometimes the bull licks you.
Where's the clown?! Someone told me there'd be a fucking clown!
Upon actually seeing it, Tommy decided Universal Studios' new ride, "9/11: Ride the Terror," was less fun than it looked like in the commercial.
"Flame On!.......Flame on, dammit, flame on!!!
"Romeo and Juliet On Ice" was much more successful than its predecessor, "Romeo and Juliet On Trampolines."
By taking this job, he knew, one day, he would find the penis that killed his father.
"Oh no, no, no! Turning around and pissing where the hose ends would be completely unacceptable!"
I think the LSD just kicked in
Low self esteem momemt # 135
Realizing that a santa doll posted on cracked has a better car, a hotter bitch and more friends than you do
Sadly, when Debbie broke her leg during her pirouette, she had to be put down.
You know what... yeah, this will do it. This will actually get me to watch ballet. Funny all it took was some guns and a nut with a mask and a stick.
The real tragedy is that they were defeated by a single speed bump.
Because marching is for sissies.
Lucky for her R. Kelly spotted her in the water, pulled her out and promptly pissed all over her.
OK honey, now open your eyes.