#5. The Pit Stop
Don't have room in your vehicle for that backseat tent shitter we showed you earlier? Wait, there's still hope.
This portable urinal is intended for truckers who don't have the time to pull over and do their business because they absolutely, positively have to get a load of hot pants to Seattle by six in the morning.
Designed for men or women, because pissing while you're driving is equal-opportunity gross, the Pitstop is just one of dozens of portable urinals available on the market today, but is probably the only one so obviously designed by a trucker who had previously rigged up a funnel, a hose and a gas can then decided he could sell the idea to others.
As you can see it also comes with a bracket that'll let you bolt it to your thigh.
#4. Do it Yourself Compost Toilet
What an age we live in. Finally, as a people, we can take the big toilet companies to task for their price fixing and constant gouging of all of us working shmucks. We're gonna make our own toilet. And not just any toilet, a fucking $25-or-less toilet. You can't even take a shit in New York for less than $30, and that's a fact we heard from some guy we met at a party.
Anyway the DIY toilet is, in a nutshell, a box you make with a bucket inside and a hole in the top. We bet you can guess what happens from there. But just in case you think it's as easy as all that, rest assured you need some sawdust to make it a fully functional crap receptacle.
Wait a second, why did we ever have all that flushing and plumbing and other such nonsense when a box and some sawdust is all it takes? You'll find out.
#3. Portable Washlet
The Japanese come to the rescue again with the portable washlet, invented for those people who can't stand how public toilets don't squirt them in the ass with water. So now they take this little device, fill it with water, extend "the wand," jam their hand between their legs in the bathroom stall and squirt around until they hit the bull's-eye and achieve satisfaction.
Once again there is surely no possibility of a mortifying mishap when using this device, even if, say, a wacky friend decides to fill it with maple syrup.
#2. Blue Light Rest Rooms
One of the worst things about public toilets, aside from hobos bathing in them, shit on the seats, piss on the seats, piss on the floors, shit on the floors, people having sex in the them, a lack of toilet paper, no doors, George Michael, shit on the walls, clogged toilets, pay toilets, someone's love juices on the lock, no hand towels, crappy dryers that don't work and no hot water, is the damned heroin addicts.
Who wants to go into a bathroom and have no idea the guy in the next stall is shooting up until sometime later in the week they hear about it on the news? Well now there's nothing to worry about, beyond those 16 other things we mentioned, thanks to blue light rest rooms.
How are the lights going to keep druggies away? Because blue light makes it impossible to see your veins, and thus discourages people from shooting up. Yes, that's seriously what it's for.
It also has the added benefit of making the restroom look like an awesome nightclub, albeit one with shit on the walls.
#1. DCBA Urinal Elephant
What did we tell you about the Japanese? Now, in an effort to prove ludicrous cartoons are the answer to everything, a giant, blue piss-sucking elephant exists to clean urinals in Japan.
The robot, designed to look like an elephant because the designer felt that was a logical reversal of a urinal's drain, can clean one out in 10 seconds and save 8 liters of water. This is touted as labor saving while not addressing that the robot weighs 220 lbs. and some poor bastard has to push it around from urinal to urinal.
It's also unclear how just using a brush and some Toilet Duck for a couple seconds then flushing the urinal was wasting both water and man-hours previously. But if we understood any of that we'd understand the need for a piss-drinking elephant robot that weighs as much as a full grown man.
As it is now, all we know is every time we use the bathroom in Japan, we're going to be glancing over our shoulder for fear we'll see this damned thing stalking us.
If you liked that check out Ian's rundown of 8 Classic Movie Robots That Actually Suck at Their Job.
More of Ian Fortey's stuff can be found at ScenicAnemia.com.