Every time a new console comes out, there's a flood of accessories made to help people get the most out of their gaming session. Customized colors, shapes, decals for the style conscious, game genies for those who like to play a game on God Mode and comfort grips for the endurance gamer. Then there are accessories made by companies that are clearly run by mad scientists.
You can play the Wii in your car.
You can crash your car while playing the Wii in your car.
We don't think that manufacturers actually decided to build these specific power adapters and LCD screens for the Wii, but rather decided to throw a Wii tag on stuff they had lying around in the warehouse. No thought was given to the horrible, horrible consequences.
Don't get us wrong, setting up a small screen hooked up to a PlayStation 3 or an Xbox 360 in your SUV or minivan can be a great way to pass the time on a long trip. If you're the kid you won't get bored and start whining, and if you're the parent who won't have thoughts about late-age adoption or vasectomies.
But then we have the Wii, a machine based entirely on the concept of flailing your arms around while you play. Only now it's confined to the cozy backseat where you're three inches away from the passenger beside you (instead of the recommended three feet for some Wii games) and within arm's reach of the driver's head.
Yes, to play the Wii in your car is to laugh in the face of death. In a couple of years, we won't see teenagers drag racing, they'll be pairing up and playing cross-car matches of Wii tennis.
Finally you'll be able to feel like you're part of the game. When you punch, your guy punches, when you kick, your guy kicks and when you do a jump kick you'd finally be a little closer to becoming an international super-ninja.
Released in 1993 when Sega had an incredible 65 percent market share in the video game industry, the Activator seemed like a gift from the video game gods, sent decades ahead of its time. No more clunky A, B, Up, B, for finishing moves in Mortal Kombat. Just reach on down to the ground and whip your arm back up to remove your opponent's spine.
Well, no. Instead of button mashing you had to move your arms into one of the eight quadrants that made up the activator.
So to do Sub-Zero's fatality instead of pressing Forward, Down, Forward, A, you just had to throw a punch exactly in front of you, then one exactly behind you, another in front, and then one more punch behind you on either side.
Kano's finishing move combo? Turn, pivot, slide, jazz hands.
Even if you did move your arm at the right time and in the right area you had to deal with your ceiling screwing everything up. Yes, if you didn't have a low, flat ceiling without ceiling fan and no ceiling lights/chandelier, then you couldn't use the Activator because all the magical infrared beams would get distorted.
The instructional video also warns against using it with mirrored ceilings. Hell, Sega, that eliminates every room in our house! We suppose you've got something against leather curtains and satin leopard-skin sheets, too?
This monstrous controller will increase your efficiency in all your computing duties, from writing email to doing up financial spreadsheets while also allowing you to become the master of every video game ever made.
The AlphaGrip's idea of making things easier is by simplifying the keyboard and mouse that PC gamers are so used to, and cramming it all into one controller. While the average PC game controller has 12 to 15 buttons, the AlphaGrip makes things easier by having only 42. So it's like simplifying Shakespeare by translating it into Klingon.
Wait, there's more
The 42-key design was to allow all 10 fingers to be in use at the same time. Apparently the makers felt that your pinky finger was getting left out of all the fun. The makers also couldn't think of 42 functions for the buttons so 6 of the buttons are SHIFT keys.
There is a capital-shift, punctuation-shift and number-shift on both the left and right sides of the controller (don't worry, they didn't forget caps lock). The creators obviously know that when you've just died on screen you can never find that shift key fast enough to type out OMG H@XoRz!!!!
If you count the shift-key combos, you can do 700 different functions, none of which will help you get a girlfriend.