Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: The Global Reach of One Vagina
Paris Hilton to Osama Bin Laden
From Paris Hilton to Lindsay Lohan
Hilton and Lindsay Lohan notoriously feuded after a heated nightclub argument. The tiff gave the world the word "firecrotch," coined in a verbally explicit video by Hilton's pal, oil heir Brandon Davis, who also made the improbable claim that Lohan's clitoris is seven-feet long. Judging by the widely available upskirt photos, it's not.
But her fellow vagina-flasher Hilton should know for sure: The publicist who claims Hilton had a Sapphic fling with Britney Spears says she walked Lohan's well trodden red carpet as well.
From Lindsay Lohan to Jude Law
One video reveals Lohan taking time between lines of cocaine to brag of her plans to fly to New York to have sex with Law, and widespread media reports of them together suggest that she made good on her boast.
From Jude Law to Cameron Diaz
Law and a recently single Cameron Diaz bonded while making The Holiday in 2006, resulting in the two enjoying a week-long series of dinner dates the following year, and then a vacation to Hawaii. Though they denied reports of a relationship, eyewitnesses report the two nuzzling and Diaz kissing Law's neck.
"Jude is charismatic, fun, open and charming," Diaz told the press. "It is very easy to fall in love with him." How couldn't you love every little hair left in his head? It's certainly easier than enduring his wooden acting.
From Cameron Diaz to Djimon Hounsou
In 2007, Diaz showed that diamonds are a girl's best friend by hooking up with Blood Diamond star Djimon Hounsou on the dance floor of an LA club. "They were dancing really close, bodies pressed together," a source told People. "They were totally vibing each other, lip-on-lip action."
According to the New York Post, the couple cozied up to each other at a table before leaving together in Diaz's black Prius, with her all smiles and him with his head down, hiding his face under his cap. We're assuming that "face" here is a polite replacement for "visible erection."
From Djimon Hounsou to Kola Boof
A woman claiming to be Hounsou's girlfriend says Sudanese author Kola Boof slapped, punched and threw her to the ground after she discovered Hounsou and Boof in a torrid embrace next to his bed. Ingrid Lessey told the Associated Press, "This woman is nuts! For the last eight months, she has called me a white bitch, thrown a Frisbee in the street and then locked me out of the gate of my own boyfriend's home when I went to get it, slapped me, thrown ice cubes at me and my sister, killed my goldfish, stolen jewelry that Djimon bought for me and refused to give it back, and she's just a total evil, vicious person. She's bonkers! She needs to be in a mental institution."
From Kola Boof to Osama Bin Laden
Speaking of totally evil, vicious people, Boof is also notable as the former mistress of terrorist Osama Bin Laden.
Morocco's Prince Fabrizio Ruspoli confirms that bin Laden imprisoned Boof as a sex slave at Ruspoli's estate for six months in 1996, where she says he raped her violently and repeatedly. Just in case you needed confirmation that he was a bad guy, this is about as bad as it could possibly get--almost.
Well, that just about does it. If that doesn't convince you that all of humanity is really a single organism connected by the common thread that is Paris Hilton's vagina, then nothing will.
Oh, all right. One more.
Paris Hilton to Adolf Hitler
From Paris Hilton to Robert Evans
Hilton is also rumored to have broken up the sixth marriage of septuagenarian Hollywood playboy Robert Evans, after wife Lesley Ann Warren grew jealous of his spending too much time with the socialite.
Hilton conspicuously shouted, "You're so sexy, Bobby!" and "Bob, you're so hot right now!" while Evans gave a speech at a party for Hilton's former fling, Brett Ratner. But frankly, this affair is hard to believe. What could an ambitious young starlet like Hilton possibly get out of sleeping with a famous old film producer?
From Robert Evans to Grace Kelly
And now we come to some hard choices. Truth be told, this article could have been populated wholly with names leading from the myriad paths stemming from Paris Hilton's unholy union with Evans, including such unlikely choices as Dracula actor Bela Lugosi and playwright George Bernard Shaw. But then it would have been an article about Robert Evans' legendary skankiness, not Paris Hilton's. And so we must choose one path to follow. Here we go.
From Grace Kelly to John F. Kennedy
Before marrying Prince Rainier of Monaco, Grace Kelly enjoyed what Dennis McDougal's The Last Mogul calls "a distinguished history of Hollywood promiscuity," with collaborators including Evans, Bing Crosby, David Niven and the Shah of Iran.
Another notable tryst took place in the early '50s with randy future president John F. Kennedy, who was then using Hollywood as his personal playground. (Incidentally, JFK Jr. links to both Madonna and Princess Di--a chip off the old block.)
From John F. Kennedy to Inga Arvad
Of course, from JFK, one can easily link to Jacqueline Kennedy, and then to Greek shipping magnate Aristotle Onassis, the predecessor of Hilton's former beaus Paris Latsis and Stavros Niarchos III. Or one could link to Marilyn Monroe, whom Hilton considers her own predecessor. And from there, one could link to slugger Joe DiMaggio, playwright Arthur Miller, and JFK's brother Robert F. Kennedy.
But instead, let's link to Inga Arvad, a Danish journalist whom JFK dated as a young naval officer from 1941 to 1942.
From Inga Arvad to Adolf Hitler
Inga Arvad is also known for having one of the best seats in the house when Jesse Owens shattered the idea of Aryan racial superiority by winning four gold medals at the 1936 Summer Olympic Games in Berlin, as she was there as Adolf Hitler's companion.
Hitler said she was the perfect example of Nordic beauty. In return, she said, "You immediately like him. He seems lonely. The eyes, showing a kind heart, stare right at you. They sparkle with force." She later claimed that nothing happened between them, but so would you.
Peter can usually be found writing at the always hilarious Man vs. Clown, where he will be posting even more baffling Paris Hilton hookup chains in the coming days.