It's that time of year again, when school is out and we plan a nice vacation that hopefully doesn't end in any kind of death or mutilation for us and all of our friends.
To make sure your trip goes as smoothly as possible, here are five steps to follow from a reliable source: Hollywood slasher movies.
Step One: Choosing a Location
Many of your classmates will head back home or to classic vacation standbys such as Virgina Beach. To hell with that! If you want to make this break extremely special, you and your attractive, one-dimensional friends should pick somewhere a little more secluded and off the beaten path. Some things to keep in mind:
Hotels: The cheaper and more sparsely populated the surrounding area is, the better. It's more authentic that way. Or something.
Activities: You'd think those locations would be abandoned because they're boring. On the contrary, plenty of desolate locations are chock full of potential for fun outdoorsy activities, if you know where to look. For instance, ancient Aztec ruins are a great place to go hiking with your friends, as are abandoned caves and mine shafts.
Step Two: Selecting Travel Companions
First of all, if you have any African-American friends, you should probably bring one of them. Not more than one mind you, but at least one. This tends to make others around you more comfortable because they know you're not racist.
He'll also act as a canary in a coal mine, warning you about anything that might threaten the less expendable members of your group by being first to turn up in his tent with a knife sticking out of his neck.
Also, see if you can coerce the college slut to come with you.
From House of Wax. Two characters destined for violent deaths.
Not only will she also act as a canary in a coal mine, but she's a canary that puts out! Chaste girls are not only a lot more boring, something about their intact lady bits makes them very difficult to kill.
Do you have that one guy in your group of friends who everyone hates, but who always hangs out with you anyway? Of course you do. If you don't, you're probably that friend and you don't even realize it. Tough break.
But if you're not that friend, you should make sure you bring him with you.
From Cabin Fever. Nice hat, asshole.
While these dickheads might be irritating, they can be a great source of comic relief. Plus, it'll sting a lot less when his blood gets sprayed all over the slutty girl's face.
To recap, that's one black dude, one asshole and as many slutty girls as you can fit in your shitty van.
Step Three: Packing
Most people tend to overpack, or forget to pack items that could be crucial to properly enjoying their break. Here's a rundown on some of the necessary and totally unnecessary items to bring along on your trip.NECESSARY: Revealing clothing/bathing suits.
From Turistas. Not pictured: sleeves.
In an emergency, it's of utmost importance that you be able to move freely, and that you not overheat. Thus there is never a reason to wear an entire shirt.
UNNECESSARY: Walkie-talkies/working cell phones
You do want to get away from it all, right? Why ruin the trip by allowing yourself to have any contact with the outside world? Really, what can possibly happen?
UNNECESSARY: First-Aid Kits.
If you're going to Eastern Europe you can generally pick these up on location, otherwise you're going to have to bring your own weed and ecstasy. In general, though, you should do your best to obtain on-sight, preferably for free from some remarkably generous stranger.
UNNECESSARY: Spare tires.
If you get broken down in some out-of-the-way town, the locals are sure to help you. Speaking of which ...
Step Four: Dealing with Locals
The locals: Ideally, the locals should be semi-retarded, suspiciously friendly, and laugh a lot for no reason.
Just remember that you're a college student, and unless they're getting you high or having sex with you, there is no reason to take any interest in them whatsoever. Is one of them trying to warn you of something? Don't worry about it, people are always a lot more superstitious around that area.
And don't worry about pissing them off--you'll be leaving in a few days anyway, right? What can they possibly do to you?
On the other hand, if you're more of the social type, Eastern European clubs and raves on deserted islands are a great place to meet supernaturally attractive, emotionally empty women.
From Hostel. Don't worry. They're probably just fond of Americans.
Try not to think too much about why they're being so nice to you. They probably just really love Americans. Take full advantage of whatever they want to give you. Follow them to the amazing, secluded locations they tell you about. Make them a copy of your room key.
If you're going to a locale where English is not the primary language, don't worry. You can get by with hand gestures and talking very loudly. Don't bother to learn the language or even purchase a guide book. A couple of weeks of immersion in their surroundings will let you learn their strange customs.
From Turistas. Helpful locals giving a scenic tour.
Step Five: Emergency Management
In the extremely unlikely event of something bad actually happening on your trip, there are a few basic steps you can take to get out of any nasty situation unscathed:
Split up. Large groups of people make for easy targets, and can't cover as wide an area as a bunch of people heading off in different directions. Streamline your group by having everyone head out on their own. That way, by the law of averages, at least one person is guaranteed to make it out alive.
Run around aimlessly. If you stay in one place, you're never going to leave that place. The best way to find an exit is to just run around until you find one. Don't try to over-think it, just follow your intuition and burst into whatever random rooms you come across. If you get cornered, find a sure-fire hiding place.
From Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Bonus Tip: Meat is an excellent hiding place.
Scream your head off. Not only does it make you feel better, but it will draw the attention of friendly locals who will almost certainly carry you away to safety. Also, if you're cornered and there's no other way out, most people, even violent sociopaths, tend to respond well to shrieking pleas for mercy.
From Hostel 2. Moved by her screaming, the killers immediately released her.
Don't be paranoid. If the killer is lying motionless with a weapon still in his hand, it's probably because he's dead. If you're not 100 percent sure, just get up close and check the pulse.
If all else fails ...
Don't be afraid to replace one of your arms with a chainsaw.
From Schindler's List.
For more glib commentary about movies we actually enjoyed, check out what would happen If Juno Were 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest. And don't forget to find out what's happening this Week in Douchebaggery (it has to do with boobs). Or head to the brand new Official Cracked.com Store and become a startlingly attractive walking advertisement for our site.