It's that time of year again, when school is out and we plan a nice vacation that hopefully doesn't end in any kind of death or mutilation for us and all of our friends.
To make sure your trip goes as smoothly as possible, here are five steps to follow from a reliable source: Hollywood slasher movies.
Step One: Choosing a Location
Many of your classmates will head back home or to classic vacation standbys such as Virgina Beach. To hell with that! If you want to make this break extremely special, you and your attractive, one-dimensional friends should pick somewhere a little more secluded and off the beaten path. Some things to keep in mind:
Hotels: The cheaper and more sparsely populated the surrounding area is, the better. It's more authentic that way. Or something.
Activities: You'd think those locations would be abandoned because they're boring. On the contrary, plenty of desolate locations are chock full of potential for fun outdoorsy activities, if you know where to look. For instance, ancient Aztec ruins are a great place to go hiking with your friends, as are abandoned caves and mine shafts.
Step Two: Selecting Travel Companions
First of all, if you have any African-American friends, you should probably bring one of them. Not more than one mind you, but at least one. This tends to make others around you more comfortable because they know you're not racist.
He'll also act as a canary in a coal mine, warning you about anything that might threaten the less expendable members of your group by being first to turn up in his tent with a knife sticking out of his neck.
Also, see if you can coerce the college slut to come with you.
From House of Wax. Two characters destined for violent deaths.
Not only will she also act as a canary in a coal mine, but she's a canary that puts out! Chaste girls are not only a lot more boring, something about their intact lady bits makes them very difficult to kill.
Do you have that one guy in your group of friends who everyone hates, but who always hangs out with you anyway? Of course you do. If you don't, you're probably that friend and you don't even realize it. Tough break.
But if you're not that friend, you should make sure you bring him with you.
From Cabin Fever. Nice hat, asshole.
While these dickheads might be irritating, they can be a great source of comic relief. Plus, it'll sting a lot less when his blood gets sprayed all over the slutty girl's face.
To recap, that's one black dude, one asshole and as many slutty girls as you can fit in your shitty van.