5 Superhero Movie Scenes They'll Never Let You See

#2. The Doom Patrol's Monkey-Fucking Robot

Depending on who you talk to, this DC Comics super-squad was either a rip-off of the Fantastic Four or ripped-off by the X-Men. Perhaps this is because we've heard this same plot over and over again. A team of superhuman outcasts (blah, blah, blah) genius team leader (yadda, yadda, yadda) society fears them (blah, blah, blah) leotards.

In 2006, Variety reported that screenwriter Adam Turner was writing a Doom Patrol vehicle, but the film is currently stewing in development hell. Remember, superhero movies are like locusts--it took 25 years to get Spider-Man off the ground.

What We Probably Won't See:
The Doom Patrol's most famous archenemies, Monsieur Mallah and the Brain, shared a mutual interest in evil and, um, each other. This may not seem too extraordinary until you realize one was an uber-intelligent simian and the other was disembodied grey matter who occasionally stole a robot body.

If 51 percent of American moviegoers aren't ready for gay marriage, then they're sure as shit not ready for a love affair that combines homosexuality, bestiality, robophilia as well as a little amputee fetishism for good measure. Perhaps this romance could work in the hands of a director like David Lynch, but the first (and last) time Lynch had a blockbuster budget, the final product was exponentially more homoerotic:

That's right, we mean you, Sting in Dune. Apropos of nothing, Monsieur Mallah and the Brain recently died in the comics. For their villainous deeds and carnal impropriety, we presume they are in Hell. Gorilla Hell.

#1. The Adventures of Tintin

Though not a superhero per se, Tintin is one of the world's most popular comic characters. Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson are helming a CGI-animated adaptation of Belgian cartoonist Herge's boy adventuring serial, due for a 2009 release. Yes, we're thinking they may sell some merchandise on this one.

What We Probably Won't See:
Unless Spielberg and Jackson wish to commit career suicide, they best keep clear of any reference to Tintin in the Congo, published in the good old racist year of 1931. This comic has the unique ability to offend 99 percent of humanity, making it more or less the Mein Kampf of the funny pages. There's something for everyone in here to be pissed off about, from animal lovers (yes, that's him filling a Rhino with gunpowder and then detonating it) ...

... to the entire continent of Africa ...

... to AMA-certified witch doctors.

We further suspect that the Tintin film will avoid any plot overlap with the 1999 bootleg parody Tintin in Thailand, a comic that gave a whole new meaning to the phrase "boy adventuring."


For more wild speculation about upcoming comic book movies check out 5 Upcoming Comic Book Movies That Must Be Stopped. And don't forget to find out what's happening this Week in Douchebaggery (it has to do with boobs). Or head to the brand new Official Cracked.com Store and become a startlingly attractive walking advertisement for our site.

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