A Very Special Cracked Mother's Day Round-Up

We know what you're thinking: "Oh shit, tomorrow's Mother's Day and I'm wasting time reading Cracked in my underwear!" Well, you're right and wrong. Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and you probably are still in your underwear, but reading Cracked is certainly not a waste of time, because we have the best Mother's Day gift of all: Knowledge. Impress your mom tomorrow with interesting tid-bits you've learned based on the articles mentioned below. Wow her with your vast knowledge of ridiculous mythical beasts. Leave her speechless with your apparent obsession with superheroes that may or may not engage in beastiality. Sweep her off her feet with a few well-timed dick jokes.

Are you out the door on your way to get her a present yet, idiot? Good boy. We suggest flowers and maybe some kind of manicure/pedicure gift certificate.

The Official Cracked Blog!

Did you ever wonder how you could learn to hate things just like a Cracked blogger? Repeatedly watch Gladstone's hate by numbers and you just might. Meanwhile, Chris Bucholz personally welcomes Cuba to the internet for the first time ever. Even more meanwhile, Mike Swaim unveils exclusive Scientology video, and slightly less meanwhile, Ross gives you a brand new reason to hate Disney and chihuahuas.

PENIS OGRES!

Gay Bigfoot and the 7 Weirdest Mythical Creatures in the World

Do we recognize the danger in publishing an article that gives tips on how to murder strange monsters from various foreign countries? Nope! Fly out to the Philippines and kill anything that looks weird, Readers!

Notable Comment: Zephyr97 said "Thank you! Finally an article that isn't about sex or penises. I hope it's a good read!" And he CLEARLY said it before reading the article. You know, the one that talks about a Penis Ogre in the very first entry. That must have been a disappointing realization.

YOU MIGHT BE CRAZY!

5 Psychological Experiments That Prove Humanity is Doomed

We here at Cracked have an obligation to point out to the world just how pointless and awful life is.

Notable Comment: The HymenHitman says "I conducted an experiment where I masturbated on the street, and not a single woman stopped to help. What is this world coming to?" We hear you, brother. It is a sick world.

MAGNET--OH MY GOD!

The 6 Creepiest Comic Book Characters

Also Beastiality. That's the other thing we like to talk about here at Cracked. Like, a super-lady getting plowed by a super-horse? Totally our thing.

Notable Comment: Almost this entire comments section is about Canada, which is appropriate because the article was about "12 Things Canada Can-" oh, oh wait a minute, no it wasn't. This wasn't an article about Canada at all. Not a god damned bit. Weird.

FUCK BALLOONS!

The 5 most Ridiculous Causes Ever Supported on the Web

We keep running our mouthes off and one of these days someone's gonna come after Cracked. Hopefully with as much luck as the chumps on this list.

Notable Comment: A very intuitive the.melsa notes that "some of the comments posted here lead me to believe that everyone in the world has a pickle in their ass." A lot of things give you that feeling don't they? Science won't own up to it, but damnit, it's time everyone knew the truth. But how can you prove your wildly implausible conspiracy theory about everyone in the world having a pickle in their ass? Wait a second ... do you know html?

JUST BLOW STUFF UP!

The 5 Most Convoluted Terrorist Plots in Film History

Seriously. Just find shit, and blow it up and keep blowing more shit up. Eventually, we do negotiate with terrorists. There's no need to stick complicated wristwatch bombs onto a bus full of police officers.

Notable Comment:

Jayzon says, "Nice article -- but you forgot Swordfish. 'We're gonna show the world how strong America is, and we'll do it by stealing from America. Despite the fact that we have a corrupt Senator on our side, our plan hinges entirely on enticing some dude with Halle Barry's breasts until he gives us what we want.' Swordfish would have been an amazing addition. Especially the ending, where Travolta's entire plan to fake his own death hinges on a computer hacker grabbing a rocket launcher for the first time and shooting a helicopter out of the sky. Do you want to know why we didn't use it? Because there would have been 800 comments telling us that the terrorists in that movie weren't actually terrorists. But not you Jayzon, you understand us.

YOU YOU YOU!

20 T-Shirts That Will Make Women Have Sex With You

We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about What The '08 Presidential Campaign Would Look Like if the Candidates Had Balls. and you can be.

The 5 Biggest D-Bags of the Week: Barbara Walters and Beyond

Barbara Walters, a douchebag? Say it ain't so! Friend, we're just getting started.

WINNERS!The Craption Contest!

Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

5.8.08:

When he undresses you with his eyes...you know it.
by hamlet

Editor's pick:

A physical manifestation of what goes through guys minds when their looking at a great pair of tits.
by HeywoodJablowme

5.7.08:

On the back of the shirt it says "OFFENDER"
by Fairview

Editor's pick:

His twin aqua-hammers and Gauntlets of greater thorns would be helpful, but Larry knew that if he was to have any chance out there, it would be because of his breastplate of +5 charisma.
by bpaw

5.6.08:

In America people eat eggs, and there are dog-catchers.
In Vietnam people eat dogs, and there are egg catchers.
by Hydrashok158

Really? Editor's pick:

"Have some eggs pooper scooper. num num num...
NONE FOR YOU BLUE BUS!"
by 13.tattoos

5.5.08:

15 people die in warehouse fire while PETA manages to rescue pigeon.
by Hydrashok158

Editor's pick:

Although his talents are loved by his fellow fire fighters, perhaps now is not the best time for Ken to sculpt his ash pigeon.
by Mudbone25

5.4.08:

As you can see, our floating head collection comes in two models: earnest fellatio and angry cuckold.
by knightwhosayni

Editor's pick:

Antonio stepped back and admired his work of art. Soon everyone would be talking about 'The many sex faces of Michael Chiklis'.
by TheJake

5.3.08:

"What, Mardi Gras is next Tuesday? Shit. Can we see your tits anyway?"
by Fairview

Editor's pick:

Whatever is going on in that store window behind them is obviously much more impressive.
by cybrweasel

5.2.08:

MSNBC Chris Hansen's mobile command post.
by Hydrashok158

Editor's pick:

If someone would throw a jar of mayo at the back of that van it could easily be the most disturbing thing ever.
by gliscameria

10 Comments

ijhuhuy

I actually HAVE told my mother about a couple of the psychological experiments.

Posted on 5/13/2008 9:59:08 AM

Rihanna

Every time I signed in __ Bigblackconnect.com __ and there were always many women would talk to me ... It is a funny and interesting place to talk to these thoughtful women.

Posted on 5/11/2008 8:50:27 AM

StickManJr

Aww man... I didn't get a notable comment this week. Oh well! My 2-week reign has ended! By God, I'll get another one!

Posted on 5/10/2008 11:29:45 PM

BondFiction26

The craption about Michael Chiklis is literally the funniest thing I've ever seen come out of that competition.

Posted on 5/10/2008 8:14:26 PM

Gypsum

http://www.mindhacks.com/blog/2008/05/addiction_to_addicti.html --Cracked's "things you didn't know you could be addicted to". Just in case y'all didn't know.

Posted on 5/10/2008 6:31:49 PM

kewl

Dear Cracked Round-Up: The editor's pick for the craption of 5.6.08 is almost identical to the one for the 4.30.08 craption. I expect my craptions to be both fresh and hip. Do not disapoint me in the future.

Posted on 5/10/2008 5:43:22 PM